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it feels so complicated

(20 Posts)
aussiemumtobeuk Mon 08-Aug-16 10:29:19


Apologies as I feel this could get a little incoherent. I am feeling pretty down lately and a bit hopeless and I would appreciate some sdvice.

I'm from abroad and have lived in England for almost 10 years. When I got married my husband said we would move back to my country in 2 years. But he has a now 12 year old boy. I believed him. And shouldn't have really but I was honest saying that was where I wanted to live. Totally understand since becoming a mother myself that it would be really difficult for him to leave his son.

We had a massive argument where he was vile to me after going out all day on a work social do and came back pissed up. Issues were - me being upset about a song which reminds me of my ex boyfriend who committed suicide 9 years ago. He said he would put that song on just so he could see me cry. He said I would never leave him as he is too successful. And a few other things but these were the most upsetting. Slept on the sofa that night (and I'm shaking as I type this, it upset me that much). He knows that I can't talk to him when he's like this because I am scared of him, but he is not violent.

And he and I disagree on his sons behaviour. They have a family saying (can't mention as it will be too incriminating) but it's to do with anger issues and the red mist. DSS was rude to me about the amount of syrup on his pancakes if just made him and stropped off, then was asked to apologies and stropped more. I said don't bother making him as it upset me more that he wouldn't apologies (he had had time to cool down) so dh was upset with me as I should just get over it. It's just one event that's indicative of the ongoing battle.

We are also ttc child no 2. But I do feel very alone as I have very few friends, live and work surrounded by his family and often feel like running away back to my parents. I realize this isn't the answer but I feel hopeless to improve the situation as I never know when I'm next going to upset dh and struggle to cope with DSS s moods.

I realize that I am not perfect and part of the problems also as I'm withdrawing to protect my feelings and making it worse.

Any positive advice on how I can improve my attitude to the situation or how make things seem more positive would be really appreciated.

Sorry I cant really offer advice other than personally I would look into making a life on my own or trying my best to return to where I want to be. He isn't so successful you cant leave him and undoubtedly that arrogance will fuel your desire ultimately to get as far away from him as you can. I really hope you do, the situation sounds awful for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Aug-16 10:58:37


Why are you together at all now?. What do you get out of this relationship?. This man likely never had any intention whatsoever of leaving the UK; he has strung you along throughout.

Goodness alone knows what their family saying is; that does not sound at all healthy either.

You seem to be always walking on eggshells not to upset DH more; those are all the actions of a person being emotionally abused.

I would not bring a second child into this at all so you need to cease ttc with this man; the dynamic here is well and truly dysfunctional, not to mention abusive.

This 12 year old boy treats you with the same levels of contempt that your H does, like father like son in this case. He's not above being abusive to you either; his dad has shown him how to treat you (i.e by abusing you) and you're getting similar from his son now.

I would contact Womens Aid in your situation and talk to them further; their number is 0808 2000 247. You are married to this man so your legal position itself is quite strong.

Naicehamshop Mon 08-Aug-16 11:05:01

He sounds awful tbh (your DH not dss). Would it be possible for you to start the process of leaving him and accept that it might mean living without him in the UK for a while before you are able to move back home? In other words, take it one step at a time; leave him first (you may find you feel an awful lot better when you don't have to put up with his unpleasant behaviour ), and then try to work out how you will get home. Good luck.

Lweji Mon 08-Aug-16 11:11:06

The only positive advice is to leave the bastard.
For me putting the song to see you cry should be enough. That is simply cruel.
You shouldn't be living with someone who is deliberately cruel to you.

He won't change. You can't change him.

So, all you CAN do for yourself is to walk away.

aussiemumtobeuk Mon 08-Aug-16 11:12:29

Thanks for the messages. I really do appreciate you guys taking the time to respond. I don't want to sound ungrateful but I just don't know that I am ready to leave. He has finally just admitted he has a problem with alcohol and I am (probably stupidly) hoping that it might be the first step? I know that I probably do want to leave him but I am scared and sad for my 2yo DD.

aussiemumtobeuk Mon 08-Aug-16 11:19:34

I realize that it probably sounds pathetic but it's really not that bad on a day to day basis, just these issues keep simmering under the surface and I'd like to resolve them.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Aug-16 11:21:37

You can't resolve them if he doesn't think there is a problem

He thinks if you just STFU all will be peachy. Maybe it will. But who wants to live like that ?

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 08-Aug-16 11:22:24

That is not respectful at all to you op. That is emotional abuse and I think you need to find a way out. It will just get worse..

Lweji Mon 08-Aug-16 11:28:55

He may have a alcohol problem, but if he does it's only showing more how much of a nasty man he is.

Him admitting to that problem is just to keep you going and you putting up with his abuse because it's the alcohol.

Has he even done anything about this problem?

In any case, you shouldn't have to suffer for it. You have a child to think of and this is not a man I'd like to raise a child with.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Aug-16 11:34:15


You did not answer my question about what you get out of this relationship so I guess you cannot answer it in words. What does that tell you about the state of it.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; if they were no-one would want to be with them. You are very much stuck in what is known as the cycle of abuse and that is a continuous cycle. As it is you are walking in eggshells trying to prevent the next outburst from him. Whatever you do is not enough for him, he will keep moving the goalposts around.

You also now state that he has finally admitted to having an alcohol problem (a deal breaker actually in its own right) and you are hoping this may be the first step to resolution. You cannot resolve his problems for him, he has to want to do that for his own self. Staying just prolongs the emotional agonies for you and in turn your own DD.

Abusive people like this man do not change; he has also strung you along throughout. He never had any intention of doing anything like emigrating because he did not want to do that.

It is also for your DD that you should leave this man; you really want to do your bit here to show her that it is ok for women like her mother to be treated abusively?. She will learn about relationships a lot as she gets older, you want to teach her positive lessons about these. It makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

aussiemumtobeuk Mon 08-Aug-16 13:51:15

Thanks you're advice all. I think I wanted love and security but I can see logically that it does seem conditional and quite the opposite. I just don't think I'm ready to give up yet, if I walk away I want to be sure I have tried everything so I have a clear consience?

HappyJanuary Mon 08-Aug-16 14:37:12

Why are you ttc with this man, given that you already have doubts about him and the future of your relationship?

It's too late now, but didn't you hear alarm bells when he promised to leave his child in the uk and move to your country? I don't think I could respect a man who was capable of that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Aug-16 14:42:37

I just don't think I'm ready to give up yet, if I walk away I want to be sure I have tried everything so I have a clear consience?

There is nothing to give up on; this relationship was really over a long time ago. That type of thought above is linked to the "sunken costs fallacy" which is common in relationships. It causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions and keeps them in bad relationships.

I think you have tried more than hard enough already to be honest with you. He has never been honest with you from the very beginning has he?. Re a conscience I doubt very much that he has that anyway.

If you want love and security you won't get that with him. You need instead to love your own self for a change.

thestamp Mon 08-Aug-16 15:03:05

If you have to stay, for God's sake don't ttc. Don't bring another innocent life into this situation.

Your dd is learning that women should put up with abuse from their male family members... you may not want to leave but just remember the longer you stay, the more unhappy your dd is going to be when she's an adult. Your choice... you take the pain of leaving now, or look forward to watching dd suffer when she's grown up

Lweji Mon 08-Aug-16 15:19:33

There is nothing you can really try.

What you still seem to have is hope, for some reason. But it really doesn't depend on you. It takes two to build a relationship and only one to ruin it. He is ruining it by not respecting you and hurting you purposefully.

He does not love you, so there isn't even that on which to build anything.

I imagine that you haven't yet been through a moment where you say "enough". It's relatively small things that add up, particularly when you are already used to being badly treated, each event is only a little worse than others, so where do you draw the line?

It may help to make a list of the good and bad things. To look at the worst events individually.
Would you stay with him if you were dating?
Importantly, what would you advise your child in the same situation? Would you urge her to stay or leave?

Geraniumred Mon 08-Aug-16 15:34:16

Would leaving be a possible thing? Could you imagine planning for it and doing it? Have you got family back home that could help?

AnyFucker Mon 08-Aug-16 16:14:21

If you must continue to flog this particular dead horse, at least don't bring another child into it

aussiemumtobeuk Mon 08-Aug-16 22:38:56

Thanks for all the advice. Sorry I went awol I had an emergency dentist appointment and then treated my daughter to a fun afternoon to make up for it. I will take some very wise words away with me. Xxx

newname99 Mon 08-Aug-16 22:47:29

The 12 old could be going through the stroppy teen stage.Is he disrespectful/ sulky with his dad as well?

Do you know his ex partner? Why did they separate?

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