Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Rant / Going NC with abusive ex - help!(14 Posts)
Ex (violent and very very EA), has just brought dd (8) back from a foreign holiday . Today is first day of 2 weeks over the summer I have with her. We go away tomorrow - which is lucky as they didn't get back til midnight and she's still asleep - I went to pick her up from his and because he had her suitcase there was lots of ranting about having to unpack (cos i need it).
Feeling a bit peeved that i had her back so late, as when I originally booked time off work, had planned to do stuff. But we'll spend the day pottering and I;ll do loads of washing and drying so we can get away tomorrow!
Just texted him as he didn't return one thing I need for her - cue absolute tons of abuse about me being a control freak, etc etc. Even ended up with loads of abuse about my family.
DD told me last night that although she'd had a nice time, he'd slagged me off a lot. Told her I was a bully etc. it sounds to me like he's spent the week trying to manipulate her to think badly of me. He's got her another 2 weeks at the end of the summer. I ' m not too worried as I;m secure with her but just feel sorry for her having to put up with it.
I'm filing for divorce at the end of the summer - don't want the petition to arrive with him when he has dd.
It's getting so impossible. The only way i can describe what it feels like is to be caught in a cobweb. So I've left, and I'm no longer in the centre and in danger of being eaten, but I 'm still trying to fight my way out of all these sticky webs.
We share a house (I live here not him) but it's an issue as he just comes in. We share a car (I'm going to get a loan and get my own one in autumn - just need to consult solicitor).
I'm just so desperate to stop the links with him. After the summer when I file for divorce I'm going to go no contact. I'm going to get a new phone, no reply to texts only essential emails. I'm going to write to him with a contact plan - at the moment it's done on an adhoc basis and I want a year ahead planned so there is no need to discuss. So alternate school holidays, alternate weekends (picking up and dropping off at school). Sell house as soon as divorce is through. I think i want to specify that handover has to happen at 6pm, not at midnight - he should have got back earlier. It's not fair as it just means my time with her is a write off.
It's been 18 months and I'm still not free. First day of leave today and I've had dozens of abusive texts and I feel shit and angry.
Sorry you are going through this, make sure you keep all the abusive texts and voicemails for your lawyer, is it bad enough for you to a non molestation order ?
Do not contact him at all with your plans , the lawyer should deal with all of that it will only antagonise him, it will put you in a very dangerous situation if he as abusive as you say , just a warning from someone who knows and who has escaped DV and EA
Can you get a cheap pay as you go phone and use that for the time being.
Put your other phone away and get someone else to look as all his abusive crap?
If he's being threatening in any way then take the phone to the police station and get a complain logged for harassment!
I would normally suggest just blocking him but you could have a strong case against him if you can let him rant and rave so I'd be tempted to do so.
But put your phone away. Get a £10 from Tesco and use that for the next 2 weeks so you don't have to deal with his crap.
Have a lovely 2 weeks with your DD and ignore ignore ignore him.
Do NOT respond at all to anything!
I am going to send him a copy of the divorce petition when I file it. Just for my own sanity so I know when he's read it. I am going to put a contact plan in with it, including for Xmas (spent last one together ) , which sounds mad timing but he's so unpredictable and nuts I think I may as well deliver the whole package in one and leave it to him to challenge legally if he disagrees.
I've been so reasonable about his first foreign hol with dd, got 2 days notice, hardly heard from them but I didn't call, made no complaint about late return, and he's still foul. So really think there is no point trying to manage him anymore,I,will just do what's best for dd and I and not consider him.
I can just turn the phone off. I will let dd call him from hols and delete all the texts without reading . I think I'm just going to have to get a new number as he wont believe me if I tell him I'm changed, he ll try old one. So 2 new numbers one pay as u go and give him that and just switch on once a week , if I put it in my existing phone dd can use to call him and I'll just tell her the other one is a work one and saves her having to get tangled up in all this.
You do not need to send the petition to him, it will be sent through the courts, and I would think twice about putting anything in writing to him at all.
Are you able to afford a lawyer, I would get some legal advice before you send anything to him if he is nuts and unpredictable
I delete all his texts. But if they get really badI think the phone co can give me a list ? Just can't stand having them on my phone. Had a non mol before but its expired. I think the easiest thing is just to go out of contact. I can get a new email too and just check his emails once a week/month too. If contact is fixed then there is no reason to be in contact. I'd just have phone with me when dd is with him for emergencies.
Going to talk to dd about going back to maiden name too. Clean sweep!
I've got a divorce lawyer, I could give her the contact arrangements and just ask her to send it in amongst financial negotiations. Seeing her soon so could get her to send the petition copy, so it's not from me so keeps the no contact. She told me to send it to,him ahead of filing for discussion but absolutely no point in doing that!
I want to stop discussing contact and splitting holidays ad hoc. It means every school holiday is a negotiation. If we lay out alternate half terms etc it's set.
I understand what your saying, but I would suggest that you get the lawyer to communicate with him, and to get the non molestation order and restraining order again, as he is so unpredictable, maybe discuss with your lawyer no contact with your dd also, sounds as though this could be quite damaging to her as well, as she has voiced to you that he is manipulating her also.
This is emotional and verbal abuse and you need it to stop for your wellbeing and that of your dd
She doesn't respond when he says stuff to her about me. She avoids topics that might make him upset. I hate it but I don't want to tell her to stand up to him. It feels like he is teaching her all the wrong lessons. All I can do is explain that not being able to say what you want is not a healthy relationship, but then I worry that I'm hurting her by doing that as its criticising him to her I don't think I would be able to prevent contact as a court wouldn't see that as enough .
I'll start keeping texts. I m sure it will kick off when I file. I'll get my solicitor to write to him and warn him about manipulating dd and abusive texts.
It is enough, you and your dd do not deserve to be going through this it is EA and the abuse over the phone and texts will be more than enough.
You are doing an amazing job and well done for keeping the texts .
It will kick off on petition, that is good because you can record everything and it will help towards NC .
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.