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So it's obvious we should split but...

(13 Posts)
Ifitweresomeoneelse Sun 07-Aug-16 23:15:24

Name changed. If anyone else were in my situation, I would tell them LTB but can't do it to myself.

Went to bed early due to headache but couldn't sleep so on MN. Went back through to living room and found DP sitting up looking at porn. He knows I hate it, I know many men and women are ok with it but I never have been and he has promised to stop but anyway for once it's not really the point.

He has gone cold on me for the last few months. Never initiating sex, extremely short tempered and most of all stopped non sexual physical affection - hugs and kisses etc. So I knew he was unhappy as am I but I tried and tried to get it out in the open but he wouldn't.

So I used this incident as a catalyst for a conversation and he basically says is not happy, not sure if wants to carry on etc. Doesn't want to make a decision right now. When he is at his best, he can be a good partner; we were childhood sweethearts etc. But he has always been poor at communicating and emotionally abusive in terms of having a go at me/stonewalling over nothing and once was physically abusive. He has already shown a short temper with DD who is 2 so I know I should leave.

I just worry that we should make the best of it for her sake. I am worried about finding a future partner who I would trust around DD (I was sexually abused as a child) and so may end up single until she's 18!

I work full time but we juggle pick ups and drop offs between us as my job is completely inflexible so am worried about losing my job if I have no back up and thus being unable to support DD.

Anyone up to hand hold and also tell me first steps? Thanks if you've made it this far.

FreeFromHarm Sun 07-Aug-16 23:31:48

Hand hold, you sound very unhappy X hug to

Capricornandproud Mon 08-Aug-16 00:13:18

Sending hugs and bumping op xx

MonicaLewinskisFlange Mon 08-Aug-16 00:26:30

OP I was you twenty years ago. I didn't LTB. Had more kids. Time passed. Nothing got better. I am now deciding to LTB. He has had my best years. Most of my life really. I am not going to waste any more of my life on him though.
Get out now. While you are still relatively young and not so bitter and twisted yet. You have the rest of your life to look forward to. Just take it one step at a time. Don't dither or have faith in him to change like I did. I wish I wish I'd done it twenty years ago. (Only I wouldn't have my lovely DC whom I adore). That's the only good thing from this marriage.

pallasathena Mon 08-Aug-16 07:10:55

He doesn't sound like much of a partner from what you say. There's no love or affection, you both tolerate each other, he has nothing to offer you and you are thinking of staying with him because of the child. Oh yes and he's a sleaze bag too with his stash of porn...lovely!
Quite the catch isn't he?
Meanwhile, you're thinking you should stay together because of the child and because you were childhood sweethearts.
The relationship has run its course. Its what happens when you get together too young. It isn't failure, its just the natural consequence of time passing, people changing and maturing and some things taking precedence over others.

Now, OP, if you know "LTB", you must surely know that staying together in an abusive relationship is not for the good of the child[ren]. The less first-hand experience of bad relationships, the better. Don't let DD grow up thinking this is Ok.

But well done you for recognising that it is abusive.

Look, it's easy for us to just say LTB, but you've got to live with the details. But believe us when we say, having your freedom and safety is worth it all.

What are your practicalities? Do you own/rent, etc?

Ifitweresomeoneelse Mon 08-Aug-16 08:02:12

We own with a joint mortgage. His parents put £20k down for us which I'd like to give back if they want it as they have been nothing but supportive especially with caring for DD. Although I'm the higher earner, not sure I could get a mortgage on a 2 bed alone as I live and work in London.

The thing is, will I ever find a man who is a catch and I could trust with DD. Not that I'm looking to jump into another relationship, just catastrophising about the future. Selfishness unfortunately seems to be a feature of most men I know starting with my own absent father.

When he hit me last year, I did call the police so there is a record of what happened. Hasn't happened since.

Lottapianos Mon 08-Aug-16 08:10:09

Not all men are selfish OP. It sounds like you've just had the misfortune to have many selfish men in your life.

My parents were miserable together but stayed 'for the children'. It was grim. Siblings and I have all had mental health problems and abusive relationships of our own . Growing up being expected to participate in a lie is profoundly damaging. Don't kid yourself that DD won't know what's really going in - she will, and sooner than you think.

Finola1step Mon 08-Aug-16 08:14:56

In your OP you state that he has "already shown a short temper with DD" and he has hit you.

Stop worrying about future men and focus on the abusive one you share a bed with now.

Shizzlestix Mon 08-Aug-16 08:51:35

I think you need to consider what is best for you RIGHT NOW as well as how you want your DD to perceive a healthy relationship. Forget about this worry re a new partner, get yourself sorted and decide what you're going to do.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Aug-16 09:03:52

The best thing to do for your child is to build a new life without him as your partner

smilingeyes11 Mon 08-Aug-16 12:09:05

why worry about a future relationship? Surely being single is just fine - many of us cope with it after LingTB - and you know what, we don't need a man to validate us or be around our DC. You need to call WA and get away from this man, if not for yourself do it for your DC

hellsbellsmelons Mon 08-Aug-16 12:24:10

just worry that we should make the best of it for her sake
So watching her mum be abused and having her DDad getting angry with her regularly and baiscally abusing her is 'making the best of it'??
It's not and you know it!
You KNOW you HAVE to leave.
Mainly for your DD sake.
This will be her model for future relationships.
This will damage her massively.
It's happened to you and it will happen to her.
Get away.
Womens Aid - NOW!!!!

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