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What's the best way to deal with this ?

(14 Posts)
kateshair Sun 07-Aug-16 23:07:19

Hi hope someone can give me some advice ? Or at least I can vent this out..
Back story split with ex partner two years ago due to basically his daily drinking habits he wasn't falling down drunk but it impacted on our life a lot. I asked him to stop or cut back and he wouldn't.
When I told him I was leaving he said go but your not taking my daughter with you. He wouldn't go so I had to leave - I had to rent a small flat alone with no help from him or the government, no tax credits as I was just on the threshold and I mean just !. No housing benefit as some equity in the property- by some I mean again just on the cut off point. House took an age to sell due to him not keeping I clean for viewers, then not moving out.. Then he did move out into his parents house... He's lived there for nearly two years now. Not sure what he pays them but would doubt it's much.. I have had no child support from him as house had to be rented out and he covered the short fall to pay the mortgage - mortgage was more than it was rented out for !!
To say it has been a struggle is an understatement. I have carried on as I feel there is a light ahead - once I get the little bit of equity back I can buy a small place ... He will then have to contribute a little for our daughter ... I just wish I didn't have to deal with him at all.. I can see it in his eyes when he does the drop offs that he hates me, can't forgive or believe I have left him.. He's asked me to meet up with him for dinner with our daughter - the very thought of spending time with him makes me feel ill.. He was quite a difficult man to live with and he always said he was stronger than me.. At one point when I was with him I was on anti depressants and he mocked me Openly for this saying I was a druggie and no judge would let me keep our daughter.. I feel such dislike towards this man and also pity as when I look at him he looks a bloated mess... How can I deal with this also he has threatens that when our daughter is ten she will choose to live with him anyway ! I just feel like he is playing a game and competing with me.. He buys our daughter anything she wants and she is given endless treats with him..
How can I deal with these feelings? Am determinied never to show daughter the way I feel about him..

FreeFromHarm Sun 07-Aug-16 23:15:01

You are not alone , in some ways I am going through the same things as you , it is really hard isn't it , when Dc and I escaped , the hatred from him has just grown and grown ,
You have done so well to leave and sound like you are holding it all together , have you any friends around you ?, please feel free to rant , you are going to be ok, you are strong , meditation helps me and listening to music , albeit it helps to disengage from the control he has over you and it does help .

FreeFromHarm Sun 07-Aug-16 23:17:03

Does he threaten you ? , it is emotional abuse , can you contact women aid ? Is it affecting dd at all ?

HeddaGarbled Sun 07-Aug-16 23:18:10

Don't meet him for dinner!

For the rest, I would just say carry on exactly as you are. You sound amazing flowers

sealmane Sun 07-Aug-16 23:22:12

Hard for you sad.

Sometimes just writing it down helps. And helps you feel clearer.

You don't say how old your daughter is, but she won't be young forever and will soon be making her own judgments and decisions about her 'father'. I doubt she will be choosing to live with him either confused. You too will be free-er then so as far as possible try and take the long view.

You are staying strong and doing the right thing, and he is taking the wrong, immoral path. His unjustified hatred is his problem, not yours. As time goes on, and you work on it, you may find yourself more able to distance yourself from him so that he impacts on you less.

You should give yourself credit for doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter and giving her a safe and happy environment. You should be really proud of your strength and effort in achieving this, no mean feat. Other people probably won't remind you of this, so remember to remind yourself. You are also a great example to your daughter.

kateshair Sun 07-Aug-16 23:58:06

Free from harm- the only threats I have had are when dd is older she will want to stay with him, and that I'm a bitch that has taken away his daughter.. This was via text message he's said other nasty stuff but I've just deleted it and tried to forget it.
I made a deal with myself in the run up to leaving him that I wouldn't shout back at him I'd just disengage from him... That really got to him.. He would stand in the back garden having a cig and shout and swear..
Neighbours must have heard but by then I knew I was going so was past caring really.. At least we won't share a mortgage anymore !
Trying to just keep calm and just focus on the child care arrangements as that's really all we have to discuss but god it's enough !! Wish he'd meet someone then
I'd feel easier... I just need to get on with it don't I ... God no I will not be meeting up with him ! Why ? And why would he even ask me ?

SandyY2K Mon 08-Aug-16 00:30:07

Don't delete his texts. That's your evidence of his abusive behaviour.

He's not a nice man and is just angry you refused to stay and accept his bullying.

Don't engage on non child related or other issues.

FreeFromHarm Mon 08-Aug-16 00:52:04

Keep a diary of any threats whatsoever, as Sandy says it is evidence of abusive behaviour , might come in use at further date
Sandy has it spot on

FreeFromHarm Mon 08-Aug-16 00:57:00

To keep control and play mind games with you ! if you stay dull/ succinct and boring not interested mode he will soon get bored and move onto someone else.

Jessihaka Mon 08-Aug-16 01:13:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeMorePanda Mon 08-Aug-16 01:14:03

Don't meet him for dinner.
Don't let him into your home - he can wait at door for handoevers etc.
Focus on detaching and ignoring. Give him the fingers in your head.

My 8yo dd and I had A chat tonight and she is starting to see her dad in the full light of day now - she's getting his number IYKWIM.

SlinkyVagabond Mon 08-Aug-16 01:26:33

Jess, I think you need your own thread. I'm reporting your message with no ill feeling, so mnhq can move it for you.

Jessihaka Mon 08-Aug-16 01:33:47

Sorry I didn't no how this worked I will delete it sorry

SlinkyVagabond Mon 08-Aug-16 01:49:01

It's ok, go to top of page, it says start new thread. It will be quiet now though, just us insomniacs.

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