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Is she telling me our friendship has reached the end?

(34 Posts)
yummymummycleo Sun 07-Aug-16 22:36:51

I am rubbish at reading people and I am very good at reading too much into things and being over sensitive so wanted a neutral view on this.

I have been best friends with A for 12 years. we ve always had the sort of friendship where we see each other a few times a year and only send the odd text in between. But when we do see each other it's like we saw each other only yesterday. We get on well and have a laugh, likewise with our dhs. She's always been super busy and is quite rubbish at staying in touch. She's a very practical, matter of fact and capable person who gets on with things. At times I ve felt like I ve annoyed her as she's not been in touch so long and when I ve tried to ring her for a chat there's no reply and no call back or acknowledgement.

Previously if I ve bought this up she's reassured me she values our friendship and something had been going on in her life which has then made me feel guilty for questioning her and has reassured me until the next time! She says she hasn't spoken to other friends for over a year so know it's not just me but she manages to ring other friends to make sure they stay in contact and has suggested nights out to them on Facebook.

However, recently I have become more and more frustrated by this, she's meant to be my best friend but I feel like she doesn't care about my life at all. She was my bridesmaid and we went on holiday together and with my dh and her dh Pre-kids. But it's all effort on my part. She lives fairly locally and is on maternity leave but no requests to meet up, text replies are one word answers and no questions about my life. Recently I heard her dd had been ill so sent a msg asking if all ok, no reply. Yesterday I sent a msg as it was a key event in her life and all I got was a thanks. She didn't bother to come abs visit after I had dc2 until I voiced how upset I was at her lack of effort. Her response to the news of the sex of dc2 was that's nice!

I admit I am not that great either and so on reflection I guess the friendship has gone a funny way considering she's meant to be my best friend. We don't ring each other or know about each other's lives on a regular basis , even though I d like to.

Do you think it sounds like this friendship has run its course? Maybe I am being over sensitive ? I am upset as she's my oldest friend and I do struggle with friendships and don't have loads so I am reluctant to let it go, I always end up feeling there's something wrong with me and that's why people aren't bothered by me.

Dh thinks I should call her and see what her reaction is or not to stress about it and just tell her how I feel, the thing is I ve done this before and she doesn't change , she won't change. I end up accepting her reasons and ferlkng stupid. I know what she ll say but I ll end up feeling like this again in 6 months time.

Has the friendship run its course?

IrenetheQuaint Sun 07-Aug-16 22:42:05

It does sound like you're more into the friendship than she is (which doesn't mean she doesn't care about you).

Does she ever initiate contact? And does she describe herself as your best friend too or is it more of a situation where you used to be best friends but maybe aren't any more?

Missgraeme Sun 07-Aug-16 22:43:41

Sounds like a scenario I was in last year but I was the one sending one word answers. And the reason being that that my friend had seriously pd me off and I didn't know how to tell her. We had been bf for 8 years and I didn't want to upset her by creating a big scene about what was on my mind. The texts stopped and I haven't heard from her in a year now. If this is what has maybe happened and u want to sort it then have a whole hearted attempt to call round and see her. Maybe when there are no kids around? Good luck.

HeddaGarbled Sun 07-Aug-16 22:49:36

I don't think that she is your best friend. Best friends make the effort to see each other and communicate regularly and this isn't happening between you.

I don't think that there is any point in calling her to tell her how you feel as she has just fobbed you off in the past.

You don't need to write the friendship off completely, as you say on the rare occasions when you do meet up, you get on really well.

Concentrate on the people you do see regularly for now, but keep the door open.

Not everyone has "best friends" by the way. I know some people are lucky to have really good, close, old friends but not everyone does. Don't feel you are at fault for this - sometimes it's just luck and circumstances.

sealmane Sun 07-Aug-16 22:49:51

I would say Leave It. See if she contacts you again. Don't make the first move. Then you will have your answer to whether she wants the friendship to continue at all.

If OTOH she does eventually make contact it may be that she does want to stay friends but less close and you could make the adjusment or not depending if thats OK with you. Given what you say about her being too busy for you but her having time to see other friends on Facebook, it doesn't sound like she considers you her best friend.

As a woman I can say female friendship issue has often been a real issue in my life. Time often tells the way things are going to go.

yummymummycleo Sun 07-Aug-16 22:53:36

Thanks for replies. Yes I don't think she would describe me as her best friend. She had others as her bridesmaids. But then I am not sure she'd describe anyone as her best friend. She didn't speak to either of them for other a year, no fall out. Another friend she was very close to I asked about and she matter of factly said she hasn't spoken to her for a long time either and said their lives are very different. She didn't sound bothered by this. But saw on Facebook they met up recently.

She's not near enough for me to pop round without arranging it first. The only time I don't have the kids or I am not at work is at weekends.

It's confusing as the last two times we saw each other she initiated it. One was an invite for dc to her dcs party and the other was a how you doing text. A few months ago dh and I went round hers for dinner and she texted afterwards saying what a lovely time they'd had and how nice it was to see us and we should do it more often. Which is ironic as we would if she made more effort!

This kind of thing is the story of my life though. I am more invested in friendships than the other person. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Sun 07-Aug-16 22:56:20

You say she's on mat leave? Is it possible she's in a newborn fug, esp if her DD has been ill

Getit Sun 07-Aug-16 22:57:09

I don't have any words of wisdom but if its any consolation I am always treated the same way by friends eventually. Friend of 20 years doing the same thing to me right now!
If there is a reason I wish they would have the guts to explain..

yummymummycleo Sun 07-Aug-16 22:58:54

Yes livia it is and it sounds like she's getting little sleep BUT this isn't her first Dc and how long does it take to type out a text? I feel there's always something with her. I ve been there myself and have other friends who are there too but they manage to send a message or make a phone call.

HeddaGarbled Sun 07-Aug-16 23:05:51

"We should do this more often" is just one of those things that people say at the end of the evening, like "lovely to see you"', "safe journey home" etc. If she initiated these meetings and clearly enjoyed them, then your friendship is obviously not at an end. It's just not the really close, frequent contact friendship that you would prefer. Don't throw this friendship away because it's not fitting your idealistic picture.

Dutchcourage Sun 07-Aug-16 23:06:34

Hi op,

I'm having this with a very dear friend too about 24 years we have been friends. I'm swimming between I've done something to piss her off or she is going through issues with her Dh (which I know she is)

I know she isn't seeing much at all of our group and is cancelling last min and I feel like her bloody P.A at the moment trying to organise stuff she can attend (3 small kids) but then cancels last min when every one else has changed things around to suit her. This has been going on a while though.

If i was to ring up I'd get the 'oh I'm just super busy, don't worry we will sort something soon' .

I'm going to leave it now - I love her like a sister but I'm too old to chase grown women.

There is nothing wrong with you by the way!

yummymummycleo Sun 07-Aug-16 23:19:26

I think I will leave it. I have done in the past and she's ended up contacting me but it's taken a while.

She initiated the conversation which led to the visit but not the idea of the visit. She especially sent a text saying we should do it again after we left so was more than a flippant comment.

If she does contact me eventually I am not sure I will carry it on to be honest as a close contact, speech frequently friendship is what I want. I am constantly left feeling confused and not cared about by her.

I think there is issues with me. It's too complex to go into but I ve never maintained a frequently see and close friendship. I am not the person people want to confide in and see me like that which is why. Dh has told me why. I probably haven't been there for her enough so she turns to others when she needs someone. I am working on what dh has said.

Dutchcourage Sun 07-Aug-16 23:30:01

Don't blame yourself. Whst has your Dh said ?

Hippee Sun 07-Aug-16 23:30:05

Some people are just more "friends in the moment". My first "best friend" was happy to meet, but she never called to see if I wanted to come out. When she moved, I knew that she wasn't going to keep in touch (as I had been penfriends with her previous best friend the whole time she'd lived near me). I was only twelve at the time, but it taught me early on that there are people who are only friends when it takes no effort from them - so it hasn't hurt me as much in later life when I have spotted this happening again. I do still wonder about her though, and would love to catch up!

yummymummycleo Mon 08-Aug-16 07:12:29

I know. I do have friends who have just been in the moment, especially since having dcs, and I accepted that. But she's my longest standing friend so I guess I thought she wasn't like that. I feel upset another friend has come and gone and this time it's someone who I thought I was close to. She was my bridesmaid. I now have no 'old' friends. This happens to me so much, why am I not valued as a friend?

Dh says it's because I was previously wrapped up in my own life too much, which is robs but true. I am not now but that has left me with no longer term friends. He says I don't show enough empathy to people and don't show I care enough about people. I don't ring them it's all done on text and I am not a naturally giving person. All is probably true. I am not the person people go to if they have a problem or need to chat so friendships stay surface level.

FoxesSitOnBoxes Mon 08-Aug-16 07:30:59

I have friends who I love to bits who I now only see at weddings/once in a blue moon. We get on brilliantly and laugh at how shit we are at keeping in touch. I think that's just how it works when you get older and have families and get busy with life.
The texting asking if everything is ok or asking how often I'm seeing other friends or asking why I wasn't more pleased to find out the sex of an unborn baby would possibly be enough in itself to kill off some of these friendships and would certainly make them hard work.
My advice would be to relax. Arrange to actually see her and stop over analysing things

FoxesSitOnBoxes Mon 08-Aug-16 07:35:23

Also your DH has said some pretty hurtful things to you there. Not sure how helpful of him that was- seems a bit cruel

mummytime Mon 08-Aug-16 07:39:55

What your DH has said could be true.
But it is also exactly the kind of thing that someone very manipulative might say. Especially if the both believe you have neglected them and they are trying to cut you off from your friends.

Why don't you contact her, ask to meet up, and ask her if she believes you have neglected your friendship?

DonkeyHotay Mon 08-Aug-16 07:46:11

I don't think you have to call the friendship off, just maybe adjust / lower your expectations. You can inititate other friendships and keep this one on the back burner. I don't go on holidays with my friend and his family. I see it as a foundation and something we'll always have. We see each other once a year but will always be friends.

It sounds like you're feeling a bit lonely and are ready for company. Are there other friendships you can foster?

yummymummycleo Mon 08-Aug-16 08:25:06

Dh isn't controlling and I asked him for his opinion. Friendships are a long term issue for me on and off over time and I don't think I see things like the average person does. He is the kind of person who everyone likes instantly and makes friends without effort. People want to spend time with him so his view of things interests me a lot. Besides he's right.

I suppose I want all or nothing with this friendship. I don't want it go on the back burner as a once a year meet up. I suppose I want the kind of friendship where we meet/ tall regularly and know what's going on in each other's lives. As she's my oldest friend I thought it would be most likely to be with her. I it's laughable really that she was called my best friend.

I guess she's not bothered. It's hurtful as I know she makes an effort with other people though. One particularly lady seems to have got very close with her and from what I see on Facebook they chat regularly and she sees her a lot. But again, sounds like her going to see my friend. I guess she feels she might have been there for her when a parent died, difficult birth, time after birth whereas I wasn't. I tried to be, sending regular messages, attending the funeral but I find it hard to know how much support people want/need and I find they either don't seem to need it as they're strong or don't need it from me.

yummymummycleo Mon 08-Aug-16 08:26:11

Donkey- I feel like my expectations always have to be lowered. At times I ve lowered them so much I ve been walked all over. I don't feel like I am asking too much.

yummymummycleo Mon 08-Aug-16 08:28:43

Donkey- I go from being fine with the friends I have as I make new friends and have quite a few people to call upon to getting upset and feeling lonely as time goes by and I realise once again I am making the effort.

Shizzlestix Mon 08-Aug-16 08:42:06

Recently, with the Facebook memories thing popping up daily, it's been clear how friendships change over the years. I still keep in touch, vaguely, with people who I spoke to regularly every day over FB etc. People change, time moves on, cliché, cliché, I know, but it's true. Perhaps this is just the case with you and her? It's a shame if she has moved on and you haven't, but perhaps she's genuinely incredibly busy. I seriously don't know how I have time for work when I'm on holiday!

spudlike1 Mon 08-Aug-16 09:10:29

I think your husbands words are very cruel and abusive. Accept the freindship for what it is or move on . If it's damaging to you self -esteem ( like your husbands comments ) move on , take the power back

sonjadog Mon 08-Aug-16 09:41:08

I think our husband sounds really mean to say those things.

I think your friend is still your friend, but you and her approach friendship in very different ways. She doesn´t need friends with lots of contact, she just likes an occasional meet up and chat. That´s just the way she is and there is nothing wrong with that. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with wanting the close friendship that you are looking for. But you are going to have to accept that she is not going to be the kind of friend you would like. It is nothing to do with you and how desirable you are as a friend, it has to do with who she is and what sort of friendship she wants to have. If you were dating, I would say that you are not compatible.

Try not to dwell, focus on other friends and meeting new people, and most of all, ignore what your husband said about you. You are fine just the way you are.

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