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Stay comfortable but sexless for now or leave?

(74 Posts)
ReySkywalker Sun 07-Aug-16 14:16:12

If I wasn't in a sexless marriage with him I would think DH is amazing.
My parents, sisters and friends adore him and how he takes such good care of us.
We live in his home country and we have 2 DC, one 8 and one 2.
I am a SAHM and he does more than half of housework, I get a lie in every second day, I get to go to evening activities twice a week and encouraged to go out whenever I like.
We're not rolling in money but he recently got a bit of inheritance from an aunt. He wants to spend half on the mortgage and the rest towards my going back to college and finishing my degree - dropped out of college years ago due to mental health issues and he knows it's one of my biggest regrets.
He is lovely to my family, genuinely likes them and would do anything for them.
He's truly a great father, all his time is spent on me or the kids, building cubby house with them, reading, playing, volunteering at their school.

But, we're never intimate. We've had sex 5 times in the last 2 years since our youngest was born and before that it wasn't any better. Apart from the first 3 months of our relationship, we'd be lucky to average once every 6 weeks. I'm only 33, he's 40. I can't go on living in forced celibacy. I've talked and talked to him about it over the last ten years and he's said he'll go to the doctors but he hasn't. He now tells me he's always had low libido but the first few years he said there was nothing wrong, making me feel it was me.

I get so sad when I see genuine affection in other couples and so jealous when I hear of their healthy sex lives.

I keep fit and relatively attractive and have a healthy sex drive and I'm heartbroken thinking I'll never be wanted or kissed or have passionate sex again in my life - because of his choice to not bother go to the doctors.

In my soul I know I have to leave, we're mismatched in an essential part and it won't get better but my question is this (after all that)

Would it be terrible to stay until my degree is finished and I'm in a job earning enough to give my kids an equal life to what they have now?

I'm not a citizen and if I left now, I couldn't finish my degree (wouldn't be eligible for student loan)

I feel guilty & selfish thinking this way but other times I get quite angry at his selfishness - he loves the way our life is and being sexless suits him, he can see how upset it makes me and only says he'll change when he sees I'm at the end of my tether, then 2 months later it's back to how it was. I feel tricked

Justaboy Sun 07-Aug-16 18:21:27

And there's a lot of men who could have written their version of that.

However that's not going be of help to anyone but has he seen a doctor at all?, he may not think he has a problem and of course their are people who do have low sex drives asexual even and he might be in that area but are you sure he hasn't got an underlying ED problem of sorts that can affect men of his age as well as the older ones its more associated with .

Seems to me it would be well worth trying to get him to get some help as you say there's a lot going for you otherwise:-)

Seems such a shame :-(

Ineversaid16 Sun 07-Aug-16 18:27:45

If he's working full-time and doing half the house work he's probably more tired than you, which could end up with a mismatch of energy?

Easystreet52 Sun 07-Aug-16 18:43:47

Can a doctor "cure" a low libido?

It doesn't sound great using him to fund a degree then leaving him.

HelenaDove Sun 07-Aug-16 20:18:58

Easy how do you know he isnt using her. He wasnt exactly truthful at the start.

Expellibramus Sun 07-Aug-16 20:23:54

It's not lack of energy, due to a bit of shared housework, things get more and more ridiculous on here.

I'm sorry OP, I totally get this, I'm in your position but a few years older and I don't think it gets better.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crossroads3 Sun 07-Aug-16 21:56:48

I would think of it as having to survive. A divorce has to be planned for and part of that planning for you is to get a degree. I think it's fine to stay and do the degree and also to see if anything changes.... Then if it doesn't you are at least more prepared for a separate life. You have to look after yourself.

WanderingTrolley1 Sun 07-Aug-16 21:59:11

It probably won't get any better, OP...

I'm not sure what to say for the best.

crossroads3 Sun 07-Aug-16 21:59:33

(I am in a sexless relationship - also a bad relationship in general, and it's really not nice. Have 3 dc so the prospect of divorce is very frightening but I know I have to do it sooner or later.)

janethegirl2 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:03:03

Maybe you should diy if you know what I mean. Look at lovehoney website for more info. It seems a shame to break up due to different sex requirements if everything else is working for you both flowers

Overthinker2016 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:07:25

Maybe you should diy must be the worst advice ever hmm

Expellibramus Sun 07-Aug-16 22:38:16

And that's saying something!

Expellibramus Sun 07-Aug-16 22:39:52

Also, he may be a really lovely man and great father etc but if he knows he denying you (and refusing to at least address) something so fundamental that's upsetting you so badly it does put some points on the cons side to be honest.

janethegirl2 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:40:40

Why should diy be the worst advice ever? Is it worth breaking up a good relationship just because one person has a higher sex drive than the other? If it was the man complaining he'd be told to get over it!!

Overthinker2016 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:43:57

The OP has said that being in a sexless marriage is eating away at her self esteem / sense of self and your advice is to check out lovehoney.

Terrible advice. Almost thought it was a joke...

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Aug-16 22:45:35

I think doing your degree benefits both of you, doesn't it? If you earn more, everything would be easier financially.

I appreciate he must be embarrassed going to the doctor, but he really needs to see that you will actually leave if he doesn't try to get it sorted. I think maybe you should make an appointment anyway and talk to the doctor yourself if he refuses to go.

ReySkywalker Sun 07-Aug-16 22:47:02

The thing that makes me most angry is that every time I bring it up he says he'll try harder or go to the doc to shut me up.

It gets better for a while, he's able to maintain an erection and can be passionate but then he can't be bothered anymore. Leaving me waiting to see if it'll get better again, realising it won't, bringing it up and the whole humiliating cycle starts again.

The last two years, since youngest DC came along, he's often said he's the happiest he's ever been, job's going well, how much he loves me, thinks I'm great, smart, beautiful etc. and then I ruin it by bringing up this issue.

He has his life the way he wants it, sex life suits him, wife and kids to fulfill his image as a great guy and doesn't care if I'm upset.

Thanks for replies x

janethegirl2 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:47:46

Take some control for your own sex release. It's not just the man that's responsible. Unbelievable some of these comments!

Overthinker2016 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:48:08

PS I was in a long term sexless relationship for some years. It eroded my confidence. Funnily enough a rampant rabbit from lovehoney.com just wasn't enough to make me feel good about the fact that my bf didn't want to shag me.hmm

Overthinker2016 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:49:13

Jane, you must be a parody account surely?

applesvpears Sun 07-Aug-16 22:49:32

Hi OP. If he really isn't in to sex but you are, have you discussed an 'open relationship'?

Overthinker2016 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:50:40

Jane, she wants a partner who wants her, not just a wank fgs

janethegirl2 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:52:09

People have different sex drives. I would not want to effectively 'force' a loved partner to perform when he didn't want to. There are 2 sides to this. I certainly wouldn't want a 'pity' fuck. It has to be discussed by both parties and an argeement made otherwise it could be considered harassment/ bullying etc.

janethegirl2 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:53:48

I am not a parody account, wtf is that anyway?

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