Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Midlife Crisis ? Affair ? or just doesn't love me ? .....

(126 Posts)
user1470296287 Sun 07-Aug-16 11:47:42

March 26th my husband of 18 years totally out of the blue told me he was unhappy didn't love me anymore and just upped and left us. I have been very confused and trying desperately to make some sense of this as it was something i never would of expected from him.
He was very stressed with work(financial) and for whatever reason has blamed me for this saying he lost respect for me and as a result his feelings have changed. I had no running or financial control of his business at all so its down to his bad management alone its not something i have had a hand in.
This also coincided with him going up North more frequently for the weekend to go out drinking with his friend and his friends sister? and since he has left he goes up there every other weekend saturday to Monday, we live near London so a long way to go for just a pint with mates isn't it ?. He has stayed away from us totally and only ever contacts me through email and then it is only very basic issues to do with house. We have a 15 yr old son together he sees him once a week for about 2 hours for dinner and they make there own arragements. He always asks my son how i am and whats been happening which I'm not happy about as i want my son to enjoy his 2hrs with him and not be reminded of the devastation thats been left a home for us all to cope with.
He lives in a rented room about 5 mins from the house and has been popping to the house to still use the garage and store his motorbike, he took the garage keys so i haven't got access to garage only through the back door and all of his tools are still there. His post still comes to the house. Its 5 months almost and he hasn't really moved on to much as far as still using the house for post and storage and it really annoys me as i feel he should of sorted this by now if he really doesn't want us anymore.
Im really struggling with whats happened and have been in a very low place because of the hurt and rejection i have only just started to dust myself off from this and try and move forward i.e. selling the family home and have cut all communication as a way of dealing with the pain. Im on antidepressants and about to start counselling which is my way of gaining control. I really want to start a new life for me and my Son renting our own house as there won't be enough money to buy a place as house prices and my part-time NHS wage(even full-time) would not stretch to this, i need to stand on my own 2 feet and never have to see him or speak with him again if i have to, it sounds drastic but I'm on my knees with hurt and just can't make sense of why this has happened to us.
So my question really is as i have been obsessively scouring the internet trying to find answers to the reason why as my title says one day i think its definitely Midlife Crisis as he fits the selfish cold way he has done this and i really feel there is someone else OW in the background, then maybe its grass is greener syndrome and he is feeling that he wants more as he told me that he has feelings for me but its not enough as he needs more ? it took 18 years to decide this so who knows. Or he just totally doesn't love me anymore and I've got to accept this and see it for what it is, find that hard as i have never ever doubted his love for me before this and find it hard to get into my head after 18yrs and the fact that we were still having regular sex and he was still saying he loved me until the day he left ???

Sorry for the long post but I'm really interested for any advice or ideas on what the cause of this could be as sometimes other opinions help to un- jumble the thoughts if that makes sense.
I totally don't want the selfish prick back as his treatment of the family has been disgusting but would be interested what the general opinion to his behaviour is.
Thankyou in advance for reading this far and look forward to seeing your comments.
Kind Regards Michelle x

Pearlman Sun 07-Aug-16 11:51:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 Sun 07-Aug-16 11:51:19

Does sound like OW somewhere.

I should get started on the legal side and start returning his post to sender.

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sun 07-Aug-16 11:53:37

He's cheating. I'm so sorry. flowers I think you already knew that in your heart, you just needed validation.

RedMapleLeaf Sun 07-Aug-16 12:53:34

I recommend the book, "runaway husbands".

Heartbroken47 Sun 07-Aug-16 13:31:10

Hey my husband said similar to me after 27 years. The difference is he said he would stay and "try" - he had a breakdown around the time this happened so I thought maybe he wasn't thinking straight. He is seeing a therapist and sees our relationship and history in a very negative way. 9mths on we are no further forward and are about to start relationship counselling. I strongly suspect he doesn't want to be the bad guy so wants me to end it.
I second the recommendation about runaway husbands book - I've been reading that even though mine hasn't physically run away yet.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

SandyY2K Sun 07-Aug-16 14:08:21

Can you email him and let him know you want to file for Divorce as soon as the timeline permits. That will be the only way to cut ties with him, as your son is old enough.

This hanging on just makes you live in limbo and can be torture.

If you file, then you are more in control of the process. Don't let him drag it out.

user1470296287 Sun 07-Aug-16 14:15:16

Hi, thankyou for you replies so far and yes it confirms exactly what i was thinking and i believe there has to be OW tucked away up North he has strongly denied this and why would he admit it as he probably thinks i would never find out as I'm down here in the south. Then i start to wonder why he denies it as he hasn't anything to loose now so its just a straight forward case of he doesn't love me. Im his 3rd wife and he is only 47, he left his first wife in the same way by just walking out the door and leaving her to pick up the pieces of a shattered life. 2nd wife left him(haha Karma) for another man, so he had been married and divorced twice by the time he was 29!!

Ive read Runaway Husbands and it is very similar to the way i have been treated but trying to understand the sudden loss of a life you thought you was living and a future yet to come has really taken some getting used to.
These Men have a lot to answer for don't they its shocking really the way they treat their families just for a cheap thrill as it seems that these flings/relationships never go the distance.
its good to get other peoples views of my situation as it does scream CHEAT doesn't it.
Thanks again
Michelle x

Minime85 Sun 07-Aug-16 14:23:12

Sounds like he has some kind of midlife crisis even if this is in that he doesn't love you anymore. You would think most people recognise relationships have their ups and downs and actually work on building things back up again or at least trying. I agree he you need to sell the house and start to build more separate lives. Ow or not in a way he has gone for another type of life, and for that I wouldn't and can't (was left after 13yrs) forgive the lack of trying. Set time frames for the future and move forward.

He will never admit to a midlife crisis of Ow so let him just a get on with it. Moving on with your life is best thing to do. It may not be the life you expected but you can still make it good.

Kr1stina Sun 07-Aug-16 14:29:25

I agree, there's OW. im sorry

Does he have kids with anyone else and does he still see them ?

Have you seen a lawyer and closed joint accounts, claimed CT for single person and check other benefits etc ? How much equity will you get from the house sale and your share of other marital assets, pensions etc?

Where are you friends and family - are they supporting you ? Have you told your colleagues ?

You need to stop wondering what's caused this. Because I can tell you right now, the cause is that's he's a cheating shit. It's not your fault . It's not because you didn't have enough sex . It's him.

He won't tell you because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy , especially in front of your son . He's old enough at 15 to have opinions about these things . I'll bet you ten to a penny that in a few months you will find out that he's " just met someone " .

Please stop thinking about him and focus on YOU and your son and making a new life for yourselves .

Cary2012 Sun 07-Aug-16 14:33:24

My ex denied OW until he was blue in the face, I thought I was going mad, I knew in my gut there must be an OW, but he repeatedly denied, looked really hurt when I suggested it, said he wasn't that sort of man etc, etc. I thought it was a midlife crisis, he was late forties. He just said he didn't love me anymore, but didn't know why. I threw him out, couldn't take any more EA. Yes, within weeks, about 3, he went away with a woman he said he had just met. Yeah, right...Years later, after he moved in with her, it came out to DD that he had been seeing her for two years prior to the break up. I still find it astonishing that he wouldn't admit it. Trust your gut.

troglodite Sun 07-Aug-16 14:34:57

Could be another woman. However, like Heartbroken upthread there was no other woman in my case - Husband turned out to be depressed and had had a breakdown (financial troubles, death in family) - he saw our relationship in a very negative light- blamed me and there were elements of psychosis just before the "peak". During this time he went out, made new friends, did extreme sports, spent lots of money but "left his fiddle at the door".we had been together for 25 years.

You are doing all the right things to protect yourself - detaching, getting therapy, moving forward with your plans. You must concentrate on nurturing yourself and your DC. If your Husband is ill he needs to want to get better himself - I dragged mine to the GP (a herculean task) but he never took the meds. He wouldn't wait for the NHS therapy but saw someone privately - who he chose (who agreed with his world view). I should have looked to help myself a lot more .

I found Lundy Bancroft's book "Should I stay or should I go?" useful in helping me to make plans and set boundaries. I don't think I will ever get proper answers about what happened but time has helped me start to heal.

newworldnow Sun 07-Aug-16 14:35:23

This happened to my friend. Of course he had an OW she had also met her as she was just apparently a work friend. He then went on to leave and keep her dangling for two years whilst he saved up for his new life with OW.
During this time his post continued to come to her house. So in the end the benefits she claimed 7000 had to be repaid as she had no proof he wasn't living with her.
So please go to a solicitor for a legal separation then you can claim any benefit due to you.
Of course none of this is your fault it is all his.
You are still not seeing him as the man he is now. He is full of contempt and disregard because he is seeing someone else.
Rip him off and practise detachment and you will get there with a future of your

Cary2012 Sun 07-Aug-16 14:58:25

yes good advice from newworldnow. I got tax credits dated from the time I threw ex out, not from date of divorce.

user1470296287 Sun 07-Aug-16 15:01:57

I have cut all communication with him and that is how I'm coping, i will book to see a solicitor tomorrow for my free half hour consultation to see where i stand legally as far as my share from the equity, it will be a good deposit on a house but my earnings won't be enough for a mortgage. I am so angry that he feels entitled to just turn up and use the garage when he feels like it and rev his midlife crisis motorbike up outside for all to hear its annoying and of course i know when he turns up on a monday night to put the bike away that he has been up North doing whatever he is and its like rubbing my nose in it.
I really hope Karma will play a role in this at some point and he gets his dues for being so cruel to us but i suppose thats only natural and we all wish this so they can feel some of the pain that we experience due to their selfish ways.
Michelle x

WingsToFly Sun 07-Aug-16 15:48:42

Hi OP. First flowers for you and sorry you're going through this.

Your name is at the end of your posts. You can ask for it to be taken off if you report it.

That must have been such a shock after a long relationship and you not thinking anything was wrong. if he's done it before maybe he'll never be able to stay in a long term relationship. You seem to be making good steps forward though.

Lilacpink40 Sun 07-Aug-16 15:57:56

My STBXH carried on fairly normally until I found out about OW. I think he was enjoying eating his cake and keeping it. Try as much non-contact as possible to build a new life for yourself.


candybar007 Sun 07-Aug-16 15:57:58

Very easy for somebody to change the lock on the garage door as you have access via another door, I would also change the locks on all the doors to the house myself.

Isetan Sun 07-Aug-16 16:22:29

Midlife crisis my arse, he's done it before when he was in his twenties. This isnt a midlife crisis, its history repeating.

Get your ducks in a row and look after yourself.

SandyY2K Sun 07-Aug-16 17:08:47

Good for looking to see a Solicitor.

Don't let him maintain control of your life like this. It's ridiculous.

He will get his own in due course, but the very best thing is you moving on from him and living a happy life. There's no better outcome than you living a good life and not being hung up on him.

user1470296287 Sun 07-Aug-16 20:21:16

Thankyou to everyone who has posted here today it has really helped as even though its almost 5 months now and I'm not such an emotional mess anymore i woke up to the feeling it was going to be a bad day today.
Its a horrible situation to find myself in as i am now 50 and really didn't expect this part of my life to turn out this way. I I am a very long way from a new relationship but hope i don't spend the rest of my life alone.

I don't think i will ever understand why someone you loved and trusted and had complete faith in could damage someones life this way it makes me feel a fool for being so trusting and the sad thing is i never really thought much about how his first wife must of felt all those years ago when he did the same to her but now its happened to me i can't help but think about what that poor women must have gone through because its the worse feeling ever.
M x

Cary2012 Sun 07-Aug-16 20:29:26

It happened to me when I was approaching 50, OP I totally get how you feel. They don't just rob the years they lied, they rob you of the future you looked forward to. I get that. But actually, I'm ok, it's not how I expected my middle age to be, but it's good, it really is. It will be for you too. Post away on here, it really helps x

SandyY2K Sun 07-Aug-16 20:47:17

Some people don't have the maturity to sustain a long term relationship. They always want that 'new relationship feel' and thing there's better out there.

You don't necessarily need a new relationship to be happy. A friend whose marriage ended started a new hobby and now goes out socially with the group.

It's just a group of ladies, but they have had a couple of weekend breaks, meals out and done other things together.

If you've ever wanted to travel somewhere, now is the time to start working on that.

If you have any hobbies, you can be sure there are online forums about it. Join up and keep yourself busy with like minded people.

You could spend a lifetime wondering why people behave in a certain way and still have no answers.

Socialise with friends and don't dwell on his 'why'. Some people are just prats.

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Aug-16 20:51:26

I think you'll feel a million times better if you take control and make some decisions. It will teach him to respect you, too. It's great you're seeing a solicitor. Keep all communications to the minimum and tell your son to tell his dad that if he wants to know something, to ask you. He's not honest about his own private life and he has no right to know about yours.

flowers to you. You will get through this.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 08-Aug-16 11:08:11

Omg you poor awful. I think op you are being treated really badly and I think you just need to change the locks and not let him back. If he kicks a fuss say you can't lead a double life and feel that you deserve better. Because you do.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: