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What am I doing wrong?

(39 Posts)
Temporaryanonymity Sun 07-Aug-16 10:34:14

I've been single for four years after separating from my exH. Divorced now and it's fairly amicable.

I've had a few dates in this time and have had a long relationship with a FWB (it's complicated, we are good friends and unlikely to go further) and I feel I am ready for a long term relationship. I miss the companionship of living with someone.

I have had a series of dates that have not gone further the first one. Take this week. I matched with someone on tinder and we exchanged lots of text messages prior to our date. We knew each other from school, vaguely, although that was 20 years ago. One of my friends knows him well as described him as "absolutely lovely, but shy."

Date went really, really well. He kissed me very passionately and said he had been wanting to do that all night. We had so much in common and couldn't stop talking. He asked me for another date and it all felt great.

Second date was meant to be last night and his texts had tapered off to nothing from Friday evening. Anyway, he sent me a message on Saturday to say he now couldn't make it out and maybe we could go out again later in the week.

It's a blow off, right? I feel really sad about it. I really liked this guy. And it's worse that it went so well on the night and have so much in common. I have concluded that I am just terrible at dating. How could I read it so wrong?

But mainly I just feel really sad about it all. I love my children but find being a lone parent really lonely. I'm not looking for a replacement parent for them, but someone for me really.

TheStoic Sun 07-Aug-16 10:36:15

Did you respond?

There could be a million reasons why he cancelled, and they won't have anything to do with you as a person.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 07-Aug-16 10:47:13

Yes, he sent a message to say he wouldn't be able to make it out, saying he has spent the day with a family member and they were heading out for a takeaway. I responded with a friendly message to say no problem, what day next week would suit you...and nothing.

I guess this is one to chalk up to experience but my problem isn't so much him but my reaction to this. I've had a few dates but none have progressed further. It's had not to assume it's me.

I usually dust myself off and carry on but I am getting less resilient to this.

It's not really about him, obviously. He owes me nothing and that's the way it goes. I am worried about how this rejection (or my perception of the situation) has made me feel.

TheStoic Sun 07-Aug-16 10:53:22

Yes, it's only human to take it as a personal rejection.

But after one date and some messaging, it's not really 'you' that's being rejected, is it? These men don't even know you yet. They may be busy, not ready for the effort required to get a new relationship off the ground, not over their ex...etc etc.

It can be really, really disheartening. But it's not about you as a person. It really isn't.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 07-Aug-16 10:54:39

It's not surprising it's made you feel like this. But dust yourself off and don't let this rejection put you off looking for another date.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 07-Aug-16 11:15:33

I can usually do that but this one was different. We have lots of friends in common and I am torturing myself that one of them put him off! And it was went so remarkably well I actually thought it would go further. It was much, much better than any other date I have had.

I guess it doesn't help that my children have been away for two weeks and I have missed them desperately. I am a bag of emotions today!

ExH has remarried and has two more children. Easy for him to move on when he never (ever!) has our two. See, a whole lifetime of picking the wrong men...

LesisMiserable Tue 09-Aug-16 00:40:31

I personally wouldn't have messaged him back at all.

Temporaryanonymity Tue 09-Aug-16 07:49:38

Why wouldn't you? It did cross my mind...

LesisMiserable Tue 09-Aug-16 11:25:48

Because he was the one to break the date and its up to him to contact you again to make another one. Which he may or may not. If we know men at all though (which we do, if we admit to ourselves the unpallatable truth) its better to let them do the running at the start. It's nothing but nature. Offering him a choice of days to rearrange his cancelled date is going to put him off and comes off as the dreaded 'n' word.

Temporaryanonymity Tue 09-Aug-16 20:05:06

I see...I told you I wasn't any good at this. I'm not needy at all!

Anyway, he has been in contact asking how I am and apologising for not being in touch. I have not replied, yet...

Cary2012 Tue 09-Aug-16 20:12:43

Reply tomorrow. Keep it friendly, cool. Let him suggest another date,. Leave it another day, text back say really sorry, got a girls' night out planned then. He'll suggest another date, agree to it. There you go, sorted!

Temporaryanonymity Tue 09-Aug-16 20:37:43

I have so much to learn. No wonder I'm single. Mind you I don't think my being a lone parent helps much!

madgingermunchkin Tue 09-Aug-16 20:47:55

I'm in the same boat. I feel your pain sad

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble Tue 09-Aug-16 20:55:25

Sometimes you just have to kiss a lot of frogs , try not to give away too much of your personality on the first few dates leave them eager to find out more , if he cant be bothered to pursue you then hes not the right one , try and just see it as a bit of fun , its not a rejection as such just no connection and really the only way to find out if there is one is to meet up with each other , try not to do too much chatting online beforehand because sometimes they can come across better than they are in real life and then you have the disappointment

Temporaryanonymity Tue 09-Aug-16 23:15:52

It was an odd date for me because there was an attraction and a connection. All of my other first dates have been a bit dull.

I do not have a good track record. One divorce, prior to that I lived with someone and that's it for serious relationships. I'm very independent and every now and again I decide I would like to give the whole dating thing a go again. So I do. And then I remember why I can't be arsed.

I have a FWB. It's much less complicated and no one needs to play by these weird dating rules that I don't understand. Maybe I should just stick with him long term!

Cabrinha Tue 09-Aug-16 23:23:24

You don't have to play silly games.
I do agree that if someone cancels, it's better to wait for them to propose a new date.
But turning down a proposed date is just stupid game playing.
If he asks again, and you like him, and you're free - don't pretend not to be. Just go.
Do not accept frequent cancellations - definitely have your eye open for that given this start.
But don't start making up your own lack of availability.

YouSay Tue 09-Aug-16 23:30:16

That was a bit shitty of him to cancel on the day to go for a takeaway with a family member (unless it was one of his dc).

Temporaryanonymity Wed 10-Aug-16 00:24:18

Yes, I think it was too. It wasn't his child but his nephew. My friend knows him well (we were all at school together many years ago) and says he is genuinely lovely so I will give him another chance but will keep my options open and guard up. I'm going to be busy anyway over the next few weeks as I am off work with the DCs so very limited opportunity for dates, hence my suggestion he gives me an actual day so that I can find childcare.

My DCs dad is out of the picture completely so I do tend to be quite regimented and organised about potential nights out.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 14-Aug-16 21:38:33

Ok, a little update. He contacted me again last week and we exchanged a few texts. No second date was set. My best friend came home from hols (she knows him v well) and she made me text him suggestion a second date. So I did, and he said yes.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 14-Aug-16 21:44:58

Just be wary. It does sound like he is not that into you so approach with caution, take it casually and confidently but expect little.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 14-Aug-16 22:16:56

Oh. Well that's pissed on my chips, then!

But point taken. Maybe I'll stay in and eat ice cream instead. smile

madgingermunchkin Mon 15-Aug-16 08:16:26

I don't want to rain on your parade, but Unless you were giving him the impression you weren't that bothered, then he would have asked you for a second date if he'd wanted too.
He's already bailed on you once, why are you giving him a chance to do it again?

And I know how you feel. I'm currently being given the run around and have no idea where I stand.

Temporaryanonymity Mon 15-Aug-16 10:00:28

Ice cream is looking like the most satisfying option.

My best friend knows him extremely well. She talked me into contacting him again. I wasn't going to bother.

madgingermunchkin Mon 15-Aug-16 10:17:42

With all due respect, I've allowed friends to talk me into giving guys another chance, when looking back now with more experience, I should have just said no.

It's one thing if he had just cancelled, but the fact that the texts tapered off and then he popped back up and tailed off again makes me suspicious. It's happened to me a few times and it's always been because he was seeing someone else and I was his back up. (I've also been cancelled on because "a friend's having a tough time so I'm going to make sure he's ok" when it later came out he'd actually been on another date).
You've suggested another date, now leave the rest up to him. Let him make the effort.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 15-Aug-16 10:18:12

Cancel it at the last minute. Karma bitch!

No, not really, but make this the last time you push for anything from him without him giving something first. That's not game playing but just good sense to make sure you are both on the same page.

Fwiw, my DP made all the moves, suggested all the dates and still got freaked out by how fast it was all moving and backed off! It seems so frustratingly common. Luckily he had second thoughts and realised he was being a dick, and now 4 years in we are very happy together, but just beware, even if he is the one doing the running, it's no guarantee he won't have a wobble if it starts looking serious!

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