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DH doesn't know how long he can carry on 'like this'!

(29 Posts)
Peanutbutternutter419 Sun 07-Aug-16 08:29:19

We have a 4 yo and a 4 month old and I got told this last night. Bit of background;
we have been married 5 years, together 12. Always had differing sex drive but always managed to make it work...or so I thought.
Every now and then (as in once a year or so) DH will speak to me about the lack of sex in our relationship and that he would like to ramp it up a bit. We talk about it and usually after getting our feelings out in the open, we move on.
In the last year our intimacy has really dwindled. I had a HG pregnancy which lasted until the birth and 4 yo became demanding due to me being in bed a lot. DH was amazing with DS but our relationship has definitely taken a hit.

Lately as we have not dtd very often, I can always tell when he wants it as he will be unusually affectionate throughout the day whereas we don't really kiss or cuddle much anymore.
Last night it came to a head as he had made it clear throughout the afternoon that he was interested but when it came to bedtime I was so shattered that I literally fell asleep when my head hit the pillow.

Que him saying that he doesn't know how long he can go on like this, getting dressed and going out with me calling him a knob as he left.

Dollius01 Sun 07-Aug-16 08:37:26

You have a 4 month old baby or did he not notice that part? Of course sex dwindles with such small kids and you being very ill until recently. I agree he is a knob

bittapitta Sun 07-Aug-16 08:46:04

Is he helping keep you on top form by taking the kids, letting you rest, fair share of cooking, housework etc? Spell out to him how he can help you be less shattered. What a dick.

Hughpughbarneymagrew Sun 07-Aug-16 08:48:16

Agreed. If you are exhausted then he needs to help address that first!

RosieandJim89 Sun 07-Aug-16 08:50:55

My son is 3 and I am still knackered by bedtime and sex is off the cards. The only way he gets it is if we BOTH WANT TO, just before bed. When I get in bed I want to sleep.
Don't feel pressured by him. If he loves you he will understand why you are so tired.

pegomassive1 Sun 07-Aug-16 08:52:33

He's ridiculous.
I'm a massive believer in- the more a man is a partner in life the more 'loving' you are together. Eg does he act like an equal partner in regards to children cooking cleaning etc or is it mainly down to you until you ask him to do something. Your bound to be knackered and not feeling amorous if your facing all house and baby stuff alone.
Regardless op you've still just had a baby and you have a young child also. Where does HE have the energy for sex!!??

Hassled Sun 07-Aug-16 08:58:45

You say your difficult pregnancy affected your relationship - but it affected your sex life, and sex is only part of what a relationship is. There should be more to it than just that. It should be about love and support and respect as well. I hope he comes to his senses soon and that you're OK.

kiki22 Sun 07-Aug-16 08:59:48

Can I ask how often you dtd? My friend had a similar problem with her dh turned out they had sex 3 times in a year which I personally think it a tiny amount of intimacy for a couple.

Peanutbutternutter419 Sun 07-Aug-16 09:13:15

Tbh he is as shattered as me as he is working like crazy at the moment due to our near future house move.
He doesn't do an awful lot at home but I am controlling over the housework so will often take over even when he starts to do things. He takes over with the kids as soon as he gets in from work so I can do whatever I need/want to from then and bath/bedtime is always joint efforts.
I have tried to tell him that I need more affection from him in general but then I suppose I am a hypocrite as I don't offer it to him much lately either.
We have tried to dtd 4 times since Dd was born and have had other times of it intimacy but tbh I just don't really enjoy it as I cannot switch off enough to get into it so we have basically stopped during it.

He is never pressurising and will always back off if I tell him no but I know the lack of intimacy is really starting to affect him and he is getting tired of being told to stop or point blank no.
However he comment last night has really got to me as I kind of feel like 'well what is going to happen if things don't change for a while then?'

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sun 07-Aug-16 09:17:27

You shouldn't have sex if you're averse to it. At the same time, he's free to do as he chooses and this seems to be deal breaker.

How much do you not want to make time for this? Rightly or wrongly you have some decisions to make.

Peanutbutternutter419 Sun 07-Aug-16 09:29:44

I miss him intimately too and I do want to get past this but I just can't right now.
I think my DS is starting to have a bit of anxiety as we have a lot of changes going on (new baby, new house, new room at preschool with best friend going to 'big school') so he literally follows me around constantly and Dd just wants to feed and be carried in the sling so when they go to bed it is nice not to have someone attached to me or needing my attention!
I just need a bit more time to adjust I think.

TheStoic Sun 07-Aug-16 10:33:41

We talk about it and usually after getting our feelings out in the open, we move on.

Move on to what? More intimacy? Or more of the same?

Neither of you are wrong here, but your body your rules. Would you consider talking to a counsellor together?

SeaCabbage Sun 07-Aug-16 11:32:58

Your dd is only four months. If you acknowledge to your dh that you can understand it is hard for him but explain that you feel you are still very much in the thick of things, could you agree together to wait a bit longer?

Maybe if he knows that you are aware it is an issue, that he's not just being ignored - it's that you have a lot on your plate at themoment and it is perfectly normal for sex to take a backseat for a while. If he knows that you want it to get better and you are sure it will but just not yet!

I remember that feeling of complete lack of libido. It came back though. smile

ApocalypseSlough Sun 07-Aug-16 11:35:39

I couldn't have sex for a year after DC1 was born. blush
DH never mentioned it or pressurised me and 20 years on we're fine wink
He's a saint.

SleepFreeZone Sun 07-Aug-16 11:51:24

The worst thing he can do is pressurise you but if that's in his nature I'm not sure what you can really do. It's either keep the status quo as it is and hope the relationship survives or force yourself to have sex at times you'd rather not.

When I had DS1 my sex drive stayed pretty much the same afterwards. However this time with a 6 month old and a very demanding/possibly SN toddler my sex drive totally tanked. Thank god my DP has a relatively low sex drive so he has been very cool about the whole thing and now my libido is starting to return I am pouncing on him again. If over the last six months he had been nagging and nagging at me though I honestly think our relationship would now be in trouble.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 07-Aug-16 11:59:35

"doesn't know how long he can carry on" is blackmail hmm - really, put out or I'll fuck off hmm

To which the best response is a quiet statement like - "you're quite right. We would both get more sex if we split up and you had them one weekend and I had them the next. Then we'd be properly free. Let me know what you think".

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Sun 07-Aug-16 12:35:28

Laurie you speak a lot of common sense.

kaitlinktm Sun 07-Aug-16 13:01:50

There is something fundamentally unsexy about a partner being particularly affectionate only when they want sex. I used to find it a certain and sure turn-off - it is so deliberate and obvious - and selfish. He is only being "affectionate" to get his own way.

SandyY2K Sun 07-Aug-16 13:20:58

Your opening statement felt like deja vous, as my DH said words along those lines, but it referred to the house not being clean when I was on maternity leave with DC1.

I think I said, this is my first child, it's very difficult and it wouldn't always be that way.

I empathise because I've been in your shoes. Being a mum is so tiring.

I can say what might have made me more receptive would have been:

More help around the house
Affection without the expectation of sex
A bit of respite from DC

I know DC2 is just 4 months old, but can you afford nursery 1 day a week maybe. Otherwise you never get a minute and it's a 24/7 job.

SandyY2K Sun 07-Aug-16 13:39:57

Some interesting reading.

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/574766-trying-deal-sexless-relationship

uk.businessinsider.com/relationships-suffer-with-kids-2016-5?r=US&IR=T

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 07-Aug-16 19:13:38

Maybe I'm a terrible wife, but if my husband said anything along these lines to me when my DD was so little I would have gone mental. I was breastfeeding, knackered and had no sex drive whatsoever as a result. What made me feel in the mood was when DH helped me around the house, helped with DD, was affectionate without the expectation of sex and made me laugh. He did those things not in order to get sex but because he's not a bellend ruled by his cock and that meant I was more reseptive to the idea of sex than I would have been had he emotionally blackmailed me.

I would be telling your husband what Laurie has said above if I was feeling polite, or to fuck right off if I wasn't.

Peanutbutternutter419 Sun 07-Aug-16 19:26:43

Thanks for all your opinions, we had a heated talk this morning and I told him that i am struggling with the change of having 2 DC even though they are both relatively easy children and so yes he was neglected right now. I explained how it's not going to be forever and reminded him that after our DS we didn't have sex at all for the first 4 months due to awful birth and that just because Dds was straight forward, it was still traumatic and I needed time. Told him that we need to make more of an effort with each other in general and that I ant go from zero to ten at the click of his fingers!
I can't ever switch off from anything because I never get anything finished; I'll start to clean the house and Dd wakes and needs feeding, then DS needs my attention and the kitchen before I know it, it's 3 days later and the kitchen never gets that proper clean I've been trying to do!
It doesn't help that I am back at work already (own business) and have to take DD with me as she refuses a bottle so I literally feel frustrated ALL THE TIME as she doesn't really settle at work and I end up spending half my day entertaining her.

Naicehamshop Sun 07-Aug-16 21:29:47

What was his response to this OP?

IonaNE Sun 07-Aug-16 21:39:17

OP, you sound exhausted - but on the other hand you say you are controlling over housework and if he starts something, you take over. Why? I think these two things are related. He tries to help, you won't let him -> you're knackered. (Plus he will soon give up trying to help with housework, you'll have "untrained" him.)

Kr1stina Sun 07-Aug-16 21:42:05

So you have a clingy 4yo and a 4mo who is BF, you are back at work already and you do most of the housework and childcare .

Gee, I wonder why you don't have the energy for sex, it's a mystery ......

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