Left out of holiday

[Norky1975]

My two closest friends, their husbands and kids are off on a two week cruise tomorrow. Me, DP and DD were not invited and I only found out about it by chance.
They both earn way more than me, have husbands (their marriages are not happy but that's another story) and I feel weird about it. I think they didn't ask us as they know I wouldn't be able to afford it, but I feel quite hurt by it all. We are all so close and such good mates. AIBU?

[WipsGlitter]

It's not unreasonable to be hurt. But like you say they probably knew you couldn't afford it.

Could you send them a "hope you have a fab time" message and meet up when they get back?

[sonjadog]

I think it is natural to feel a bit put out, but try not to dwell. Hopefully you won't care so much in a day or two.

[BackforGood]

Agreeing to go away with one other family is one thing, more than that and you become a group organiser and that becomes a completely different scenario.
If you are in a different financial bracket from your friends then you wouldn't have been able to afford to go either. Just wish them well and enjoy your break.
Its not that usual to go on holiday with friends, as whole families.

[babba2014]

I can understand why you are hurt and better to let it off your chest but if you can't afford it it is probably better they didn't ask so no one feels awkward. It's like a no win situation unless you could have saved up for it then that's different.

[gingerboy1912]

Yanbu

[HappyJanuary]

I disagree with pp. it's not up to them to decide whether you can afford it or not. The right thing would've been to ask you and let you decide for yourself. I think you'd have preferred to be asked and say no, than not be asked at all?

On top of that, quite underhand to keep it from you until you found out by chance, and this suggests they knew they hadn't treated you kindly.

But there could be all manner of things at play. Maybe their husbands get on particularly well, or their children have become close friends, or they live closer geographically. It doesn't have to be that they don't like you, or prefer each other's company.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

Ouch - they should have at least given you the option - you could have savings they were unaware of. What you describe isn't friendship - my friends when we get together make sure the poorer amongst us can afford any trips we are planning and have even subsidised those who can't afford a more expensive trip. What matters is friendship.

[Babyroobs]

I too would have felt very hurt at being left out especially as you are all good friends. Do all your dh's get on ok together too ?

[xexxsy]

I empathise with how you are feeling about this, it sounds very mean and cliquey behaviour by them, but who knows what they were thinking?

TBH my worst nightmare would be to spend the holidays with two other couples and their children.

I think you had a lucky escape there.

[Amelie10]

Yanbu to feel hurt as no one likes to be left out.

However on the other side of it, could it be that it would have been too awkward for them to offer you knowing you wouldn't be able to come. Or maybe they thought you would suggest something cheaper and put them in a position of having to choose something they wouldn't want to do?

[panegyricS1]

Perhaps they really wanted to go on this particular (expensive) trip and felt that if they involved you they'd need to compromise. Would you have politely said no to them or would you have tried to steer them to something different/cheaper?

[SandyY2K]

If your all as good friends, as opposed to them being closer friends, then I see how you feel, but I also think if they knew you couldn't afford it they were trying to save you having to say that.

If a friend asked me to come to a place they knew I definitely could not afford, I'd think it was simply a tick box exercise, because if they really wanted me to come they'd have looked for a cheaper location.

[Norky1975]

Thanks everyone. Some interesting points made. Still smarting

[beenaroundawhile]

Would you have gone if they had asked, what would you have said?

[Norky1975]

I definitely would have looked into how to afford it. It would have been nice to be given the chance.

[WamBamThankYouMaam]

There's only 1 couple we've ever holidayed with. I wouldn't even consider it with any of my other friends.

Many years ago now, we were going to florida. We invited couple #1. They're very much like us, same sort of disposable income, knew we wouldn't be joined at the hip etc. We debated asking couple #2 but they like different things, and I didn't want to spend my holiday sat in cheap buffets or staying in a lousy hotel to suit their budget.

So put simply, I didn't want to compromise on the holiday I wanted.

[beenaroundawhile]

I think the question you have to ask is: are they going so they can 1) be together or 2) have the holiday of their choice without compromise.

I suspect it's 2, and that having friends to travel with is simply a nice situation to be in. If it were 1, then yanbu to feel left out but I doubt it's that. Personally I wouldn't compromise on a holiday, I can spend time with friends in places that suit everyone the rest of the year round.

There is one particular person in a friendship group of mine who ALWAYS says she can't afford our places of choice (usually so she can save up for expensive lifestyle choices for herself, fine - her choice). Sometimes we all go out purely so we can be together and we make sure we go somewhere everyone is able to afford.

Other times some of us go where we want to go and simply don't ask her as we know that she will try to make us feel like we are leaving her out when we're not.

[iloveberries]

Are you12?

I don't mean to be harsh but for whatever reason they wanted to go as two families.

It's probably not cause they don't like you or anything. I am in a group of 4 close friends but would only holiday with one of them and her family.

It's probably one of the following:

• they didn't want to make you feel awkward by inviting you on a holiday they didn't think you could afford. They may have been worried about looking insensitive.
  

• the dynamic with the 3 families might not work as well as it does with just their two.
  

• their DHs and your DH might not "click" as well.
  

• your DD might upset the Dynamic with their kids. Nothing wrong with her - sometimes different groups of kids just work and adding another - no matter how nice - can upset it.
  

• they want to be able to eat at pricy places and do expensive things whilst away and were worried they couldn't with you and didn't want to be insensitive.
  

You should just wish them a good trip and be done with it.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Wether you could afford it or not. You should have at least been given the chance to refuse. That'd be the end of the friendship for me.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Berries, It's nothing to do with maturity. Are children the only ones who are allowed to have feelings. It blood hurts when you're ostracised, regardless of whether you're 12 or 112.

[BackforGood]

In my world, friendships are completely different from a marriage.
I have no 'expectation' that I have to be included in everything any friends of mine do. I am able to be friends with someone, who is also friends with someone else, and totally understand that sometimes any or all of my friends will do things that don't include me. This is because we are all individual people, not some sort of conjoined being as a friendship group. This is the way most people work.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Oh and over my dead body would I be wishing them "a good trip"!!!!!!

[m0therofdragons]

Gosh, my 2 closest friends are off on holiday together. It never occurred to me to feel anything other than happy for them. Dh and I went on holiday elsewhere. When df return I will ask about it and enjoy their pictures because they are my friends.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

and over my dead body would I be wishing them "a good trip"!!!!!!

Christ you sound petty

[Norky1975]

Berries - thanks for your input but I am a mature woman, simply hurt by a decision I have not been included in. What a big brave girl you are, making digs from behind your phone or whatever.