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Need to move on... Just don't know how.

(9 Posts)
SilkScarf Sat 06-Aug-16 17:20:36

Split from DH 3 years ago, kids well in their teens and all pretty stable as far as Ex DH is concerned. Ex DH moved on with new woman all reasonably amicable.

Met a guy via work. Trouble is that he is in Dublin and I'm in London. Since the split with DH I have not really thought about another relationship until I met mr Dublin. We started a long distance relationship, weekends in Ireland and London together on weekends when the DC were with their father. We had the most amazing time when we were together
and when we were apart there was daily contact via whatsapp and we spoke almost every day. The relationship however was a roller coaster of emotions. Looking forward to planned weekends together to a feeling of emptiness when we said goodbye until we made plans for another weekend which meant the roller coaster started again. Making plans, meeting up, the emptiness of saying goodbye. Last week after about 6 months we decided that it was all too much for both of us and decided it was best to stop. We agreed to go no contact for 2 weeks and then have a phone conversation.

It's killing me... Now that we are not texting and calling each other my life has become so quiet. I can't really work out if I was totally in love with this man or if it was just the feeling of being in a relationship again that made me feel so good about myself.

I deleted his number from my phone so I will not call him on impulse.. But it is so difficult!!!! I read the NC treat here.. Thanks for posting it, it gives me support.

I'm normally a very busy person yet today I have been staring at the tv all day. Meeting up with one of my girlie friends for a bite to eat later but really struggling not to cancel. I just don't want to do anything. I'm so bloody miserable.

Question is when we have that agreed conversation Wednesday after next what it there left to say? (Not sure why I agreed to it in the first place tbh). And am I really going to be strong enough to go no contact until then? This is day 3 and I'm totally cracking up.

A friend suggested I join a dating site. She thinks it may be a case of filling an emptiness which I had not noticed in my life until I met Mr Dublin. She thinks it would be good for me to talk to and meet new people and perhaps meet someone in the process.

I'm such a mess and I feel totally stupid for it. I'm in my forties not a teen.. But I seem to behave like one..

Thanks for reading. xx

Missgraeme Sat 06-Aug-16 17:29:46

I was in a ldr many years ago and I had 4 kids when we met. He was in Scotland and I was in the north east. We managed 3 years but he had concerns about me moving up there and the kids not seeing much of their dad and he had a career up there - we cooled it and I met someone down here( now divorced) it's the biggest thing I regret about my life - that I didn't give us a better chance. We had a fab relationship - and I miss it to this day. Someone once told me not to regret the things u have done just the things u didn't. Give it a chance in my opinion!!

SilkScarf Sat 06-Aug-16 17:44:54

Thanks Missgraeme.

One of the biggest problems was that I have 2 DC so can realistically not pack up and move to Ireland. He is a barrister with good career over there. Wish nothing more than finding a way to make it work.. So frustrating :-(

RedMapleLeaf Sat 06-Aug-16 17:56:00

What's the purpose of the two week silence?

SilkScarf Sat 06-Aug-16 18:10:57

It's not really a two week silence more than a trial separation.. Sorry if I wasn't clear in my initial post. Just so all over the place at the moment.

In terms of a trial separations I think it is often a way of postponing the inevitable nail in the coffin to be honest. But will see.

RedMapleLeaf Sat 06-Aug-16 19:55:42

Sorry, I put my own spin on that. I can't see what other outcome there can be other than, "phew! We managed to split up then?".

brokenhearted88 Sat 06-Aug-16 20:18:38

Silkscarf I am going through something similar right now. I am going NC for the next 30 days or so to give myself some breathing room. The one thing that is helping me is that I have made a list of personal and career goals that I must meet before the 30 days are over, and if I haven't met them then I am not allowed to contact him until I do. This is giving me a slight push to improve myself and to meet goals that I have been putting off for awhile now because I was so concentrated on my relationship. If in the end we get back together then it will truly be from a place of strength and if not then at least I have put myself on solid ground.

Maybe something like that would help you?

I also found that forcing myself to go out to see friends or to talk to other guys was not helpful at all. You need time to feel the pain. Take care of yourself right now and don't force yourself to do anything that you don't want to do.

newname99 Sat 06-Aug-16 20:30:45

You said you agreed to trial split so was it initiated by him? I think you have to think of this as a break up and process it with all the stages of grief.Are you hoping that after 2 weeks he says it's back on?

Does he have dc?

SilkScarf Sat 06-Aug-16 22:33:14

Thanks brokenhearted88, very helpful. Perhaps I should put a few thoughts on paper and make my own style of list so I have a clear head when I talk to him.

Newname99, yes, he suggested the 2 weeks after we talked about our frustrations. I suggested that realistically the relationship was not going anywhere because we both have commitments where we are. He then suggested we should not make a final decision and take 2 weeks to have a think about what we wanted. I agreed perhaps because I'm still holding on to a desperate situation? I honestly don't know what I'm hoping to gain from the conversation to be honest. But I don't want to prolong the pain I feel right now. Ideally I would like him to pack his bags and move to London but that is just not going to happen, so here we are.
No, he has no DC. Mine are 16 & 12.

Thanks for talking to me. It is so nice to get other people's prospective.

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