This will be long, I'll try to be as clear as possible.
I have been married for 9 years. Everything was fine until our first DS(6). DH and I agreed he would be a SAHD (his idea) because I earned double. He began to get really sarcastic and belittling towards me.
We moved house and because I don't drive DH would drive me to work and back. He began to make excuses as to why we couldn't go places, or why he couldn't go out to places. He would make me feel guilty for going anywhere except work. There were occasions when he would say he was too ill to look after our DS so I would have to take a day off work and then he'd feel better all of a sudden. He hated where we were living and would blame his bad moods on the environment, being stuck there whilst I got to go to work.
He was also raping me, but I was in denial about it at this point, making excuses for him. I suffer from mental illness and I went into a deep depression to the point of being suicidal.
We moved again and I hoped it would be OK because we were back in a town and DH loved the new place. But nothing changed, he seemed to get even more controlling.
Then there was an 'incident' where I couldn't deny to myself what had happened. I went to the police and asked DH to leave the house which he did. He admitted to the police what had happened. I didn't want him charged so he was warned.
I had no support or anyone to talk to. I didn't know what to do. He came back home after two weeks. We slept apart for 3 months but then his mum came to stay so he had to come back to our bed.
We had some couples therapy and things did get a bit better for a while. I wasn't mentally stronger and felt able to challenge his behaviour.
We had DS2 (3), he was not planned but welcomed. DH continued gradually slipping back into old ways.
So I am now in this position:
I am dependent on DH for managing my medication, he makes sure I'm eating properly etc. I get higher rate PIP and he gets carers allowance.
I don't drive. I got a motorbike which was AMAZING but it's currently off the road and DH doesn't want me riding it anymore. I took driving lessons in secret but failed my test and DH doesn't want to waste the money for me to have more lessons. A colleague drives me to work and back 4 days out of 5 with DH doing the other 1.
I go to church, which is the only place I get to go with DH blessing. I go with the boys and he stays at home. It's walking distance. I joined a house group and ladies group but there always seems to be a reason why I can't go, like DH is feeling ill, or he says one of the boys has been ill, or he's had a tough day and it's not fair on him. The groups are after the boys bedtime.
DH never goes out except to do school runs, see his mum, baby groups. I've encouraged him to go to football etc to have some time for him but he won't. He says he doesn't need any friends because he has me, and that he knows I struggle looking after the boys for long periods because of my mental health.
If I leave the living room to go to the loo or kitchen he asks me where I'm going. If I'm too long he shouts or comes up to see where I've got to. If I have a phone call or am texting someone he asks who it is what it was about. He doesn't demand to know or anything like that but he gets all sulky and defensive if I won't say or ask why he wants to know.
I had an abusive childhood, which DH knows. He is still taking advantage of the fact I am unable to tell him no in bed. I o my show a little resistance before just complying and he doesnt seem to pay attention to that.
He is constantly making sarcastic and barbed comments towards me, and belittles me in front of others. I only have two friends and I haven't seen them at all this year because there has always been a reason it's not convenient, or if I have managed to arrange a date something will come up.
If I do ever manage to go out DH makes me feel really guilty about it, sulks etc. It's a big price I end up paying and it's hardly ever worth it so I don't bother even trying to go out mostly.
He's been really nice to me the last week which is freaking me out. And I feel so pathetic for letting myself get to this position where my husband being nice to me is 'abnormal'!
I know this is an abusive marriage. But I don't know what on earth I can do. We are joint council tenants so I can't make him leave. He is main carer for the boys and is sure to get custody as I can't drive and he will tell them I can't look after them because of my mental health. The boys adore him and would be devastated if I took them away.
So my plan is to stick this out until they are older. I just don't know what else I can do. I just need to endure a bit longer. I should have taken the chance while I had it but I missed it so now I'm truly stuck.
I can't talk to anyone about it because I work in adult social care. I am fully aware that if I spoke to my GP, my vicar or any of my colleagues they would have a duty to report it because I am a 'vulnerable adult'. Then I would lose my children.
I just don't know what to do.
Please be kind. I've never posted on this forum before.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I'm so confused
Rinoachicken · 06/08/2016 16:40
I'm so sad and angry for you reading this 
I agree with PP that your MH would improve if you weren't in this situation, with him.
Please do push WA again. I find this with my sister (not WA, but various support like Homestart) - they don't show up, so she seems to use that as an excuse to just stop trying to improve things. And cuts her nose off to spite her face. I'm sorry you've been let down by them, but I really think you should speak to them again and again until you do get more time with them.
OP, you know how bad your situation is. Please please contact women's aid, or at least call rape crisis and talk to them about what's happening. You don't have to tell them who you are so no risk to you.
Also, just incase you weren't sure - you absolutely do not deserve this.
In a normal marriage, one person doesn't make all the decisions (for example, my DH doesn't particularly like one of my groups of friends - we both know this but he still gives me a lift out / home when I want to see them because who I see and where I go are up to me).
Just because he says you won't cope, he will get custody, your MH is too bad, doesn't make it so. If you can stand back and see it objectively, he has a motive to tell you these things. Having you feeing unsure and worried cripples you mentally and stops you focusing on how he manipulates you, controls you and rapes you.
Another horrible thing to consider is that if he is belittling you at home and in public, your DC are seeing this and thinking that it's normal. They are learning how to have a relationship from you, learning that women are to be controlled, that you can speak to them how you like, that they are there to serve and do not deserve respect. If they haven't already, they will eventually mimic him and treat you badly. He sounds such a bully they are going to want to please him / placate him to protect themselves. By staying you are not help them.
for you OP. Keep posting
So sorry OP.
It might be worth trying to access help through Rape Crisis. You can find your local support here. All areas will vary I guess but where I live the domestic abuse service is massively oversubscribed and more support is available from the local rape/sexual abuse support organisation.
I hope you get some help.
You sound a lot like me OP, my (now ex) partner was also very abusive towards me, I was in good health when I met him, I'd always had issues with anxiety but it was well managed. He started abusing me and within months my mental health was so poor, he too was my carer, i receive pip, I also needed support with medication, eating etc. I was signed off work and in the end developed severe agoraphobia and couldn't leave my house. It took me so long to realise he was the cause of my mental health problems. He used to say to me 'I try so hard to help you, no one will ever understand your mental health like I do'. Which made me feel guilty, like I should appreciate him instead of trying to blame him. I left him last week. I can already feel my mental health improving. I used to put violent incidents to the back of my mind, but now I realise they were stored in my sub conscious and my brain was waiting for the next kick off.
You are worth so much more than this
I'm a children's social worker and we would help you wether you were classes as 'vulnerable' or not. We would not remove your children because you wanted to leave an abusive man, quite the opposite in fact. You can ring them and refer yourself. If you were to be involved with police/ dv services it's likely you would be referred to them anyway. Don't be scared of working with them, they are there to support you. You are doing the right thing for you and your children, you are a brave strong woman.
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