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Is staying married the easy option?

(11 Posts)
Musings101 Sat 06-Aug-16 15:15:23

Anyone else in this sort of situation? We met & married quite young. Things started off ok but we ended up living almost separate lives after a while. Separated for a month after 5 years but agreed to give it another go and 1st child born the following year (which in hindsight may have been the worst thing to do). We don't have a bad relationship but there's some big differences in our respective outlooks on life. This sometimes leads to huge rows over how we deal with DC , money, work amongst other things. I worry how it will go when the children have grown up and we don't have that in common to keep us in check.

Even if I decided to go, I don't think OH would ever consider divorce being a Christian and the social stigma that'd go with it - so if it did happen I know it'd be long and drawn out. Plus I'm very insecure, a useless conversationalist and generally not a confident person. I don't have many friends and find it hard meeting people. I'm approaching 44, will be well in my 50's when DD and DS have grown up and the idea of trying to find someone else then terrifies me, as does the thought of spending my later years alone.... I just don't think anyone else would want me sad

eloelo Sat 06-Aug-16 15:40:41

Is he controlling?
If you felt more confident would you stay?

Joysmum Sat 06-Aug-16 15:49:27

I don't think it's the easy option to stay, but that leaving is the unknown and people fear the unknown.

PurpleWithRed Sat 06-Aug-16 15:51:07

I think you need to work on your self confidence first. When you have a better understanding of how you tick then you'll be able to assess your marriage more clearly.

When was your marriage at its best/happiest? What happened to change that?

Blushingm Sat 06-Aug-16 15:52:11

I've felt like you for a long time - 2 weeks ago I told him he had to go and at the minute I feel so much lighter!

MumsKnitter Sat 06-Aug-16 16:05:42

I left a marriage I wasn't happy in, but which wasn't awful. My ex was a continual source of irritation to me, and I'm much happier without him, and don't regret ending it.

I was in my late forties when we split. He's now remarried to a woman 21 years younger, and I've now come to terms with the fact that it's very unlikely that I'll find anyone else. Successful men can easily find a younger new partner, and almost all men my age are not interested in a woman near to their age. I could find myself a new man, but only pensioners think I'm young enough (I'm mid fifties).

Actually there are some younger cocklodger types that are looking for an older woman to live off, but I'm not interested. You may be luckier than me, but aim to be content on your own, and work hard to find some new friends if you decide to split.

MumsKnitter Sat 06-Aug-16 16:06:12

I left a marriage I wasn't happy in, but which wasn't awful. My ex was a continual source of irritation to me, and I'm much happier without him, and don't regret ending it.

I was in my late forties when we split. He's now remarried to a woman 21 years younger, and I've now come to terms with the fact that it's very unlikely that I'll find anyone else. Successful men can easily find a younger new partner, and almost all men my age are not interested in a woman near to their age. I could find myself a new man, but only pensioners think I'm young enough (I'm mid fifties).

Actually there are some younger cocklodger types that are looking for an older woman to live off, but I'm not interested. You may be luckier than me, but aim to be content on your own, and work hard to find some new friends if you decide to split.

Easystreet52 Sat 06-Aug-16 17:44:30

It's a difficult one because it's not a bed of roses being divorced as you get older. If you were a man in your mid/late 40's and had interest from women in their early/mid 30's on dating sites, who realistically are you going to choose to date? The pretty 32 year old who has no children and goes to the gym 3 times a week or the mid 40's/late 40's heading towards menopause with a couple of kids woman who can't just make plans at the drop of a hat. I know what I would choose if I were a bloke. Yes there are blokes who will go for someone their own age but when I tried online dating after divorce in my mid 40's I was approached by men 10 years or more older. I even had one who wanted a date who was almost 70! It was quite depressing to be honest. At that age I was conditioned to think I needed to be in a relationship to be happy and so even though it was against my better judgement with some, I went on dates and also had the odd fling with people from non dating site environments. Unfortunately one of them was married although I only found out after 3 months! That ended and that was it for me at the age of 50. 2 years on and here I am.

However, I have a nicer life now, go out with friends regularly, have lots of hobbies, do what I want when I want and have a lovely tidy house. I have grown to love it. I don't want a man in my life anymore. To be honest most of the ones my age are turning into grumpy old men.

If that sounds like the sort of life you would like then I would 100% endorse it if you are unhappy. If it's a new man you want then it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Hotwaterbottle1 Sat 06-Aug-16 18:17:14

My kids are now 15 & 12, Im 44. I wish I'd left years ago as my kids now spend most of their time with friends or in their rooms and we have nothing in common. It's so lonely.

eloelo Mon 08-Aug-16 15:06:28

It has been really hard, but I would never go back.
I am getting my life back, found someone who cares. I am really blossoming on so many levels.
The kids have found it hard, but now they have a happy mum instead of a miserable cow.

newworldnow Mon 08-Aug-16 17:12:20

Mumsknitter is the clue in your name smile

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