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Would you say something about him moving

(26 Posts)
janicejoplinslyrics Sat 06-Aug-16 10:10:53

My new boyfriend is thinking of moving to a location that would put him 2.5 hours away from where I live (he's currently 20 miles from me).

We both have busy job, both have dogs, both have children from previous relationships in different locations so life is busy already and we have a lot to deal with.

I don't /won't /can't ever move to where he is going - at leats for for 3 - 4 years and I feel sure that it is too far away for us to easily see each other or form any sort of real life together.

I feel, for certain that if he moves, we are going to have to end our relationship. He is moving for convenience to friends / family. We have been together three months and there has been definite future talk and I think we love each other.

What should I do? Say something? what should I say? don't want to give an ultimatum but it feels like this decision will end us.

Savagebeauty Sat 06-Aug-16 10:11:58

You've been together 12 weeks????

anyname123 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:17:42

Sorry op but you aren't his priority if he's moving 2.5 hours away, and after 3 months together you can't really expect to be his priority. Sorry

LottieL Sat 06-Aug-16 10:19:03

A 3 month relationship is no where near long enough for him to consider it in his future plans. I'm glad he's thinking about convenience of family / friends rather than a very new relationship as it shows he's got his priorities right, especially since there's children in the mix on both sides.

If it's meant to be it will work out no matter the distance.

happypoobum Sat 06-Aug-16 10:22:40

12 weeks - you are just someone he is dating (and vice versa)

I would cut your losses and just enjoy his company, but accept that it's not a long term thing. flowers

janicejoplinslyrics Sat 06-Aug-16 10:29:15

I feel a bit cheated, as when we first started seeing each other I felt 40 minutes was too far to live apart and he convinced me it was fine. Now I am "in it", and very invested emotionally, this is sprung on me, and I absolutely don't want a boyfriend who lives long distance. We don't see each other that often as it is.

I feel like I need to say something, and I don't expect to be his first priority, no, but he is making a decision that precludes a future with me. I can't move. He can live anywhere.

My kids are in school...his are with their mother also in school, so he can live anywhere. I can't / won't uproot my children from their life and told him this from day one.

We discussed this from day one and he is talking future / marriage / lifelong commitment with me and then doing something that moves in the opposite direction of that.

He could move more in my direction and be equi distant to his children. Actually where I live is closer to where they live. Further from his friends, but then THEY would be two hours away and surely his girlfriend / person he says he wants to be who he is spending more time with.

He is saying he "likes the area" and thinks where I live is not as good. I feel it's very selfish to expect me to want to continue with the relationship when he is making decisions that will make it very hard to see each other or to build any sort of real life together.

Trills Sat 06-Aug-16 10:34:38

He's breaking up with you while being too cowardly to actually break up with you.

He wants to keeps you around for convenience until he actually moves, that's all.

janicejoplinslyrics Sat 06-Aug-16 10:38:53

I don't think that's what is happening at all. He just told me he loved me for the first time yesterday.

I think he is just being a real twat and not considering the long range implications.

honeybunny14 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:39:19

I can understand completely whare your coming from with my now dp we fell in love very quickly so if he had announced something like that after 3 months I would be feeling the same.

Thing is thought he stayed 1 hour away from Me he says it too far so we are moving in to our first house together next month because I am a priority but that's after being together a year so maybe just enjoy the dating and see whare it goes good luck op flowers

CrazyDuchess Sat 06-Aug-16 10:39:22

Has he actually asked you to move??

Costacoffeeplease Sat 06-Aug-16 10:41:40

Way too much hard work for 12 weeks in - I don't think this is going to be a goer

Hissy Sat 06-Aug-16 10:43:58

After 12 weeks of knowing each other, especially as you have a proper life, kids etc, you are <sorry> an idiot to be so emotionally invested.

Future talk... Waste of time.

Until you get to 12 MONTHS together, there's nothing to base anything on. You don't know him.

I would not exclude myself from an opportunity for anyone i had known so little.

Bottom line, no matter what he says about future and marriage etc, it's actions that are relevant. He's considering moving away.

Let him go. If it's meant to be, it will be.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Sat 06-Aug-16 10:46:02

Actions speak louder than words.

Hissy Sat 06-Aug-16 10:49:51

If. You were to say anything, I think it should be something along the lines of 'I wont stand in the way of your life and decisions etc, but clearly this is a decision that may very well prove to be the end of our relationship. I hope not, but that is my concern'

I get that it's a real slap in the face for you, but you do need to take more care about investing too much too soon. People aren't often what they seem.

janicejoplinslyrics Sat 06-Aug-16 10:59:43

He said to me yesterday that he loved me, that he saw a really long term /grow old together future and I feel the same. We have known each other longer than four months. We have just been a couple for that long. the time has nothing to do with it, we know each other inside and out and it's a very serious relationship.

Yes, he did suggest I move also this morning, and I said "no". I had told him from the day we first started that there was no way I would ever move my children. They have been through a lot with their Dad being gone and they really need this stability.

He told me this morning that it doesn't change anything if he moves, and I feel he is being completely blind. Of course it does. Seeing each other would mean "going away for the weekend". We were talking about having our own child etc. He's bonkers if he thinks this can work.

ICanSeeForMiles Sat 06-Aug-16 11:00:26

Hmm, I disagree Hissy. My dh and I were engaged after 3 months.
Everyone's relationships move at a different pace.

janicejoplinslyrics Sat 06-Aug-16 11:08:22

My ex husband and I were engaged after two weeks, and were happily married for 10 years. I don't think the time has much to do with it in terms of feelings and how close you are, but it has a lot to do with how much say you have in their life decisions.

I feel like this decision is going to break us up, and that he is completely blind to this reality. He thinks it makes no difference, but this is the kind of person he is. He does things like this without thinking but this is a bit one and I want him to stop and think before he ruins things.

mummytime Sat 06-Aug-16 11:16:23

To be honest I would be very blunt with him.
You didn't think it would work from the start. He is now moving away and you have told him you won't move your children. Do you are ending it now before anyone gets more hurt.

Although of course if he is moving further from his existing children they are probably going to get hurt. Which should tell you something about him.

Trills Sat 06-Aug-16 11:18:06

If he is genuinely not trying to break up with you then I can only conclude that he is very very stupid.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 06-Aug-16 11:19:23

I don't think he's being selfish. You've been together 3 months, that's no time. Totally reasonable for him to want to be near family and friends. Only you can judge whether it will last/want it to last.

janicejoplinslyrics Sat 06-Aug-16 11:58:04

If we met, and I told him I would never, could never move and he knew this - and he says he wants to marry me /grow old together - how is him deciding to buy a house 2.5 hours from me and settle elsewhere not selfish?

He's clearly making this decision, and expecting the person he sees as his future long term partner to either suddenly accept without discussion a long distance relationship or for me to back down on my statement from day one that I would never / could never move.

It is like he is making the decision and telling me I have to adap to it, with my only options being

a) reconsider moving
b) accept a long distance relationship
c) end things

that is selfish. We talked about this from the start. He knew how I felt about it. it would be different if the relationship didn't matter to him and he was happy to lose it, but he is expecting me to be fine with this.

He told me to shoosh this morning.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 06-Aug-16 12:12:52

Maybe right at the start it was way too early to be discussing marrying/growing old together. To me it looks like being near family and friends is far more important. He knew from the start that you wouldn't move, but he still wants to. So that should be telling you something.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 06-Aug-16 12:17:57

If I'd been seeing someone for 3 months and they decided to move half way across the country, I'd take that as a hint that they weren't massively into me.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 06-Aug-16 12:28:08

Well if you stay with him this is your future, his way or the highway, and telling you to shush - I hope you told him to fuck off?

happypoobum Sat 06-Aug-16 12:30:48

In your shoes OP I would be worried that it was "safe" for him to love bomb me and make all these rash promises/future faking/declarations of love. He always knew he would be going so there would be no opportunity for you to make him live up to it.

Call his bluff. Tell him you have thought about it and are happy to follow him to live wherever it is, with your kids, you can all live happily together. See if he tells you to "shush" then............

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