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Dumped out of the blue, 2 year old kid

(60 Posts)
seefeld Fri 05-Aug-16 23:31:18

This evening my boyfriend of 3.5 years told me he didn't feel like there is any future for us and wants to break up. We have a two year old DS and I moved country to be with him.
I have had no prior warning that the break up was imminent and I just don't know what to do next. He said he had been thinking things through for months but I had no idea. What to do next? He doesn't give any reason othe than we "have no future" together. I guess I can't argue but I do think "why didn't you talk to me before?" What now? I can't believe he has blind sided me like this. I thought we were happy

seefeld Sat 06-Aug-16 00:00:29


tararabumdeay Sat 06-Aug-16 00:11:41

He can't do that. He has a child and you are both responsible for that child no matter where he or you are from.

One can not just say 'It's not working for me' when there is a child involved.

Make sure you are strong and safe then take your child and run as far as you can safely and within the law.

My dear SiL is no longer with her child because of a controlling man.

seefeld Sat 06-Aug-16 00:15:37

Thank you. I've been so taken aback by the whole thing. His actions are not very mature and I just find it inconceivable that someone would go this far without discussing with their partner first

sallyhasleftthebuilding Sat 06-Aug-16 00:20:09

It a tough one - he's been getting his head round it for months but this is new to you.

Could there be someone else?

What's he suggesting? You move back home or him moving out? Do you work? (By that I mean have your own income to support you both?)

What's he suggesting interns if your child etc?

HeddaGarbled Sat 06-Aug-16 00:21:04

Unfortunately he can do that. However, he will need to support his child financially.

Ask him what he is intending to do about accommodation and finances.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, by the way flowers

JenLindley Sat 06-Aug-16 00:24:52

Tara your advice is bollocks very contradictory. You cant on the one hand say he can't leave OP because a child is involved (of course he bloody can!) And then tell OP to take her child entirely out of his father's life just because the father doesn't love the mother anymore! Also OP did not say her boyfriend was controlling at all.

seefeld Sat 06-Aug-16 00:27:24

I don't see how he has time for anyone else - he's out of the house from 6:45am to 6:45pm for work. But does have nights out with his friends and I guess where there's a will there's a way...

In terms of being able to support myself. I've been doing some freelance work the last few months and could probably turn that into a job. But I definitely can't support myself and a kid on my wages. He expects me to stay in the city I moved to but it's not very realistic. If I'm going to be a single parent I want to be with my family.

I have a plan to speak to him tomorrow morning when the toddler is having a nap so should have more answers then. In the meantime I am FURIOUS.

HeddaGarbled Sat 06-Aug-16 00:31:51

Ok, good, you have some thoughts and plans. Now you need to find out what the legal position would be if you want to take your child out of the country without his agreement. Google that now.

Puff42 Sat 06-Aug-16 00:38:02

Can you continue to live and work in the country you're now in? Do you want to?

I'm so sorry he's blindsided you like this.

tararabumdeay Sat 06-Aug-16 00:46:17

Jen I was reading between the lines.

JenLindley Sat 06-Aug-16 00:48:07

Okaaay hmm

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe Sat 06-Aug-16 01:03:56

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I don't want to cause you further upset but I know two women in your situation and I want to tell you about their current realities. Both women moved here for a relationship, got decent jobs and had children with their partners. After a few years the relationships broke down. The women I know where concerned about doing the 'right' thing for their kids so stayed in this country to enable the childrens relationship with their fathers.

These are two separate cases, but it has ended the same way. The women both wish that they had taken their child immediately and gone back to their home country. They have no family support and do so much on their own. The kids fathers get to see their kids, yes, but the real hard work parenting comes down to the mothers. As do the financial demands. If this is going to be your situation, life might be easier in your own comfort zone.

The women I know have not had succesful new relationships here, and in one case her ex married someone else and started a new family. Every second weekend she is hurt by the reminder that her ex went on to have the family they planned together with someone else. Her little boy loves the visits to his 'big' family. I see how much that hurts her.

They miss their own culture. They miss their own families and they need a bit of extra support. The kids are now older and they could not move them. These women are stuck in limbo until their kids go to uni, or even longer.

Please consider where you will be happy for the next 18 years. Be selfish, it's a long time. Your partner has been selfish - allow yourself some happiness. Figure out where parenting your child is going to be easiest for you.

I'm sorry if this added more stress, I just see these wonderful women and wouldn't wish this on anyone.

seefeld Sat 06-Aug-16 01:08:19

I will be moving home. I love the country I live in now but there's nothing anchoring me here.

I've just texted his mother. Argh!

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe Sat 06-Aug-16 01:20:32

Well done. Hope his mother is decent.

seefeld Sat 06-Aug-16 01:23:21

No, I don't think she is! I've just come back from a weekend back home - my first away from my son - and she was staying with my son and boyfriend. He discussed it with her before me

AcrossthePond55 Sat 06-Aug-16 01:40:05

At this point all I have to suggest is that if you are thinking of moving home, that you do NOT mention this to him or to anyone. I know I'm going to get flamed, but you don't want to tip him off to the point that he files papers to keep the child (and thus you) where you are now.

seefeld Sat 06-Aug-16 01:49:31

That's a good point actually. I've got our passports now and plan on taking my child's birth certificate tomorrow.
My heart breaks thinking about him not growing up seeing his dad every day.

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe Sat 06-Aug-16 02:41:55

Your heart will break more if you are trapped in a lonely life for the next 18 years.
Remember it's his dad who did this. You need support to be the best parent you can be.
A life time of being tired and struggling to pay for things with no support is not necessary.
Don't get drawn into staying so your kid can have a relationship with their dad. Your life is of value too.

KiteCutter Sat 06-Aug-16 02:53:22

Assuming you are currently in the UK and that the country you are intending to return to with your child is a signatory to the Hague Convention; then even if you do leave a court can order than you return as the child would be considered to be habitually resident in the UK.

I get that right now you are mad and angry and upset; but hopefully once you have calmed down you can work out the right way to do things whether that ultimately involves an agreed/court ordered return to your country or not.

zzzzz Sat 06-Aug-16 02:54:59

Go home with your baby and sort it all out from there. Don't ask just pack and go. All the rest can be discussed once you have your family to help with the baby while you guys make plans. I understand this will mean him either coming to your country or doing it all by phone but I think that will help keep things factual rather than squeezing in chats while the baby sleeps and having to put on a facade in between.

Don't leve the baby with his family in the meantime.

It will all work out in th end and you will find a way to be happy again.

sykadelic Sat 06-Aug-16 03:24:25

KiteCutter She didn't say WHEN she moved so you can't know that the child would be considered a "habitual resident" of anywhere.

seefeld Sat 06-Aug-16 04:23:35

I live in a non-EU European country and my son was born here shortly after I arrived. Both me and my (ex) partner are British and our son holds a British passport.

I've obviously been in a happy baby fog as my ex has just told me that he thought that I must've known something was up. I just find it astonishing that he would only mention it when it had got in his head to break up stage rather than having any discussion beforehand. He thinks he has done me and us a favour by ending it quickly.

Isetan Sat 06-Aug-16 04:49:23

Skyadelic The Op says she moved just before her son was born and her son is now 2.5 years old. Which means KiteCutter is correct and if the the country is a signatory to The Hague Convention, then leaving without permission from either the child's father or the courts, would (If the child's father formally objected) be viewed as child abduction.

zzzzz Sat 06-Aug-16 05:09:52

I'm not sure if I communicated very well. I would go home because I think that will give you the space to work things out. I'm not suggesting you stay there or ignore what xp wants long term, just that you take some time to regroup (and see what life could offer there).

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