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Husband cheated with young women, how to move on?

(32 Posts)
Info0411 Fri 05-Aug-16 23:06:19

I found out in November and have only told my best friend. I wanted to share online and hopefully get advice from other women who have managed to get through awful situations and come out the other side smiling.
My husband was taking cocaine and alcohol, was watching alot of porn which escalated. He started visiting numerous escorts. He then wanted the gf experience so would meet with one escort - 26 years old - and was with her for 9 months. Unbeknown to me, when he was 'working away' he was meeting with her, taking her abroad on all of his business trips, spending our profits on her. (We own a business together). One day he took her to a lapdancing club, and whilst she went to the bathroom a lapdancer 'gave him his number'. He finished with the escort and started seeing the 22 year old Russian lapdancer. He spent thousands on her. His behaviour at home had became intolerable and I was trying to pluck up the courage to separate from him then (I didnt know about the girls). But when I discovered the affairs I just broke down. I couldnt work for 4 months and couldn't understand why this affected me so deeply. I have always been strong. I am so sad that I trusted him so implicitly with the accounts and with where he was and what he was doing. At first he blamed me for the affairs, he was still heavily drinking. He then slowly began to see what he had done, since April he hasn't drunk or taken any drugs. He confessed all of the above to me. He went to a therapist for a few months. At first I was devastated about the affairs, then it was the fact that they were all 20 years younger than me, then it was the money, now I just feel numb. I wanted to stay with him, we have been together 20 years and have 3 children and a business together. He was a good man and a good husband until 2 years ago. But now I have spent months tracing my lost self-esteem and feel I can separate, but it all just seems so hard to do. I have lost all joy from my life...I would really appreciate any stories you have to share x

ijustwannadance Fri 05-Aug-16 23:15:41

Sorry for what happened to you. Did you have therapy too?
I honestly don't know how you can move on without leaving him.

catty2016 Fri 05-Aug-16 23:18:35

What do you want to do? What does he want? If deep down you think you want to separate then you should go with that feeling. If you think you want to see if you can work through it then you should do that - is that why you are not sure if you want to separate? Is it because he is asking for a second chance/forgiveness? If you do decide to make a go it make sure you are in control. You set the ground rules as to what you expect of him.
Either way will be difficult. If you separate it will be tough. But you will get through it. There will be tough times but it will get easier.
If you decide to give it another go then that will also be tough. You will have to learn to trust him again and move past his infidelities. But he must want to help with that. He should be trying his best to give you all the reassurances you need. If he is not willing to do that then unfortunately that may give you the answer you are looking for as to what to do.

Info0411 Fri 05-Aug-16 23:22:27

I tried therapy yes, but I have found more comfort from my spiritual practices, listening to Eckhart Tolle, teachers like that, yoga, meditation...Looking into myself to see what I could have done differently, and why I was so low on self-esteem. I am stronger but it seems as though there will be an even bigger battle ahead.

Info0411 Fri 05-Aug-16 23:24:34

I dont think I can ever look at him the same way. I think I should separate but then it means breaking up the childrens' family ideals etc, its so hard. you are right though, it will be hard either way.

BastardGoDarkly Fri 05-Aug-16 23:27:24

I couldn't cope with that level of betrayal.

Do you really think you can?

BastardGoDarkly Fri 05-Aug-16 23:28:42

Family ideals?! Seriously? They'll be much better off then having this as a template for a relationship.

Info0411 Fri 05-Aug-16 23:29:18

No, I don't. I wish I could start to 'feel' again, its ripped out a part of me, is the only way I can describe it.

Info0411 Fri 05-Aug-16 23:30:56

I know what you mean, but they don't know anything

Whatthefoxgoingon Fri 05-Aug-16 23:36:56

There are no family ideals. You'd be living a lie. I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but nothing will undo it. Make a clean break.

ijustwannadance Fri 05-Aug-16 23:43:05

How old are the DC's? You are very naive if you think they don't know things are wrong or their father had drug/alcohol issues.

You have no self esteem because some twatbag took it away because if you had any left you probably would've left already.

Is it worse to be a happy single parent or an unhappy married one.

newworldnow Sat 06-Aug-16 01:07:42

What he has done had made you ill. It was a compulsion and there was nothing you could have done about it. It had nothing to do with you.
Have been where you are now. It took me years to leave and I wish I had done sooner.
You will be suffering from PTSD which stops you from moving on. I ended up on ADs and finally I left because it was all too toxic. This ADs helped me get better and I now look back with horror that I even considered staying.
Detach from him and get your self esteem back. No man is worth losing your mental health for.

newworldnow Sat 06-Aug-16 01:19:09

Good news is that I have come through the other side. What I'm trying to say is put yourself first and definitely leave him. I have a new job lots of friends and a good social life. Much happier but not sure I want another man in my life ffs.
Took me a while to get over the fact they were so young but cone on they were just after the mans money the feckless fool! So I refused to be hurt by his choices. Nothing to do with me that he was an entitled selfish immature addicted idiot having a midlife crisis and you shouldn't blame yourself either. Tell him to F off do the work on his own and then maybe you might talk to him but please get rid. I know how hard it is listening to their bullshit. LTB

newworldnow Sat 06-Aug-16 01:23:19

Also are you so sure it has only been the past couple of years? I found out by digging that it was probably most of a 20 year marriage.

CaoNiMao Sat 06-Aug-16 01:29:36

You're not honestly planning to stay with this filthy good-for-nothing, are you?

If I were you, I would read through your original post and imagine it's your friend/sister/daughter telling it to you and asking your advice.

Mummydummy Sat 06-Aug-16 01:32:52

Oh god. I am so sorry for what you've been through.

My ex had one affair with a woman 20 years younger than him for 9 months and was starting his next one with a woman he met on the tube when I found out and it all started unravelling. I kicked him out and he never came home again. At the time we had a 6 year old and 4 year old - he was achieving success as an academic and we lived a cosy married life with lots of friends around us.

Honestly it destroyed me. The lies, the betrayal, the contrast between his public respectable 'right on' self and the clicheed stereotype cheater he really was. A much weaker person, a man lacking in integrity, a lesser person than me.

We went for counselling which was helpful - we heard each other and had genuine communication but in the end I decided it was over. He wasn't the man I fell in love with 20 years before, he was weak and worthless. And because I'm proud i did my best to manage the relationship well - as my kids deserved, after their losses, to have a good and loving relationship with their Dad. Be proud of your behaviour. (of course I screamed at him on the phone and emails , but not in front of the kids.. and then I let it go).

My tips:
- be so kind to yourself, find the little pleasures that you can look forward to - a night out with a friend, a weekend away...
- know you didn't deserve it and look at him as damaged and weak, a failure as a partner/husband/father, who will either have to eat huge amounts of humble pie to prove themselves worthy of trust, or pay the biggest price and no longer live with their kids and live the life of a sad Dad,
- know that the only person who will look after you and make you have a good and happy life is you. Choose a better future, not bitterness (the pain that keeps hurting). You have a choice.
- find attention elsewhere. There's never one man, one story, one path. There are new paths and adventures to be had. Once you are through the bereavement - the loss of your dreams.
My heart is with you. You deserve better than this very shabby, weak man and his pathetic behaviour. If you decide to let him stay have the highest of expectations and do not compromise.

Info0411 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:19:58

Thankyou x

Info0411 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:21:08

Thankyou x

Info0411 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:23:31

I know, what has happened is so unreal, of course if I'd heard this coming from someone else I would say as you have said, but it's a trauma,its weird, I don't want to stay with him but need to build myself up again.

Info0411 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:26:29

I have wondered but yes Im pretty sure. The porn watching, which became an addiction i believe, was for many years though. Its not as harmless as some people think.

Info0411 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:29:43

Thanks for all your comments. Believe me, I would think I was stupid if I was you too, having not left yet! But when something like this happens, it changes everything, you lose yourself and don't react how the 'old' you thought she would. My whole life changed overnight.

Graceflorrick Sat 06-Aug-16 09:38:09

I'm sorry this has happened to you flowers

I would need to leave. I'd be thinking, worst case scenario here. If something happened to you - became ill for example, you wouldn't be able to trust him to care for you and prioritise your needs.

Or even worse, if you died, he'd be in charge of all of your family money - would he use it to look after the DC or spend it on Escorts/ randoms.

That's without even considering sex. Has he been checked out for STIs. Will you ever feel confident it's safe to have unprotected sex with him again? I wouldn't.

You deserve better and so do your DC.

BastardGoDarkly Sat 06-Aug-16 09:49:23

Ok, so you don't feel you can leave yet, that's fine, there's people here to talk through your feelings with.

Have you got family in real life to talk to? People in your corner?

YouSay Sat 06-Aug-16 09:49:54

Excellent post Mummydummy

There would be no way back from this from me. I couldn't sit in the same room as him never mind share a bed. What a despicable human being. He even treated escort one horribly.

SandyY2K Sat 06-Aug-16 10:21:49

No decent husband or father spends family money on sex workers.

Carry on building up your self esteem and have a coparenting relationship with him.

You deserve better
This isn't your fault
He is 100% to blame

He actually had to pay them to be with him - that should tell you what they're after. There's no fool like an old fool.

You're better off without him.

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