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How do I leave? Will he get to keep my son?(10 Posts)
Hello, I'm really in need of some advice. This is really difficult to write all out, but I'm not sure where else to go. I walked into a dog shelter today, and just bursted into tears (I don't know what I was thinking) and just poured out to this little old lady - she was lovely. She offered to call the police, but it isn't really a police matter, so I just quickly hurried out.
This is a really long story, so please don't feel like you have to read it (if anyone even clicks on this post). I met my partner about 10 years ago, when I was in my late teens, he was in his early 20s. He was absolutely lovely... He didn't judge me, he didn't care if I put on weight/didn't want to wear make-up, amongst other things he didn't judge. He was just sweet, he really loved me (I felt loved) and no one in this world would he have preferred, pretty much (I'm not trying to gloat, I'm just trying to explain how much love was there).
After about 3 years, we began trying for a baby. I was in a stable job, he was in a stable job - we lived in a 2 bed flat together, it was the perfect time. It was difficult to conceive and just wasn't happening, it turned out that I had benign tumours in the womb. I was told that it wasn't impossible for me to have children, but it might be difficult.
It was from then he changed, he was verbally abusive, claiming that I had failed him, my family, his family, etc. saying that I didn't deserve to live, that I'm not normal, just stuff that made me feel shit. One day, he pushed me. He was gone. I am not the type to take any kind of crap really, which is why I'm absolutely baffled as to why I'm in my current situation. I made him leave. We then got the flat worked out, so we both got our fair share, I moved in with my sister.
I later found out that I was pregnant. Honestly, I wasn't happy about it, I knew I'd never abort my child, but I was just unhappy. I never told him. Honestly, I didn't know how to contact him... I'm not on Facebook. When I was 8 months, my sister said that I needed to make sure I told him, that he had a right to know, so I was able to find him, through a mutual friend. He was overjoyed. In he came, barging through my sister's door, hugging and kissing her. Claiming how exciting it is, my sister began explaining how great it'll be to be an aunt. I was disgusted. He ignored me completely.
My sister really is naive, she doesn't see the bad in anyone. She's frequently told me "bless him, he's changed" and "bless him, he feels so awful and meant none of it". I'm struggling to see why she is picking him. He then offered to buy us a house. I tried to talk to my sister about it, she said that I was being selfish to not go and that then I'm in the wrong and she'll have no sympathy. I'm not after sympathy, I just want her to see where I'm coming from.
Literally, hours later. Floods of texts. Congratulations and great news type ones. I asked him what he had said, he told me to shut up and that he feels sick when he hears me talk.
My gorgeous little boy was born (I mean absolutely gorgeous!) He loved him... He is an okay father, he is there for him, but I struggle to think that a good dad would treat his son's mum like this. He persuades him to stay away from me (he is now 4, by the way) and encourages him to tell me that I'm a bad mummy, and that he doesn't love me. It's heartbreaking. I don't want him near him, but I know he has a right, so I don't actually know what's best, as he is there for him. However, I don't want my son growing up being brainwashed.
My 'partner' frequently throws the dinner over the floor, has used the word slave to describe me. He has never been violent since that day, so I don't know where I stand. I want to leave, I do. However, will the courts see him as a better parent? As my son will probably say he wants to live with daddy, after being brainwashed. Am I just better off here? Where I get to see my beautiful boy grow every day? I can't lose him. He's my absolute world.
I'm sorry for such a post, but I really hope I can get some advice. Thank you so much x
I have no experience but just to say it is obvious you must leave and that the "wishes" of a four year old, whether real or brainwashed will not be taken into account. If you are the primary carer you remain so. You urgently need to remove yourself from this influence. I really wish you well, you sound lovely and intelligent
This is a terrible and abusive situation. I bet you wish you hadn't gone back to him.
Ok you need to take back some control here to protect yourself and ds from this manipulative bully.
Can you speak to Womans Aid in the morning they will find a way to help you out of this.
I really don't think you would lose your child so stop worrying about that.
Sounds terrible. Your partner sounds like he has mental health issues. I would seek advice from your health visitor or local children's centre.
...or Woman's Aid as another poster has mentioned above.
You must get some legal advice, urgently. There's a new law called coercive control, look it up and make a formal complaint to the police about his behaviour. Your partner could find himself being told to leave by the police because of the abuse he's inflicting on you.
You have to act and you have to understand that being a passive observer in your life is part of the problem here. Get angry, get assertive. You sound incredibly ground down which is understandable of course but if you want to get out of this so called relationship and get out safely, with your son, you have to declare war on the situation and not go for the appeasement option. Sorry to be harsh, but i've seen too many people just sit back and take the crap that's dished out to them. Don't join their unhappy ranks o/p. Fight for the right to live your life free from fear and too, for the right to bring up your son.
It's absolutely vital that you speak to a domestic abuse agency. They can be used as evidence in legal proceedings or for legal aid. He won't get your son but he will probably have contact.
It's a shame you have considered his 'right' to see his son - parents don't have rights they have responsibilities. Children have rights and their rights to safe loving parenting outweighs their rights to see an abusive parent. There is new guidance being drafted for CAFCASS on contact with abusive parents and hopefully the courts will start moving away from the presumption that contact is always beneficial.
Mephisto I hadn't heard about that re cafcass. Have you got a link to any information? I'd be v interested to read about that.
Op, please do as pp suggests. You can't stay. He'll destroy you and ruin your lovely boy, growing up in that screwed up environment. Get any and all help offered.
Not yet as it's draft guidance I have been shown by someone who does DV assessments for court proceedings so not official yet.
This is heartbreaking to read.
Please leave, take your DS and be safe. If not for you, then for your DS.
Please, please don't live like this.
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