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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Childhood friend not being allowed to be called "Uncle"

43 replies

mischadee · 04/08/2016 23:52

My partner won't allow my best friend (since we were 6 years old) to be called uncle.
I've been through everything with my friend hes always been there just as a friend and my partner knows everything that has happened.
Ive classed my friend as my brother since we were 12 years old, but my partner refuses to let us class my friend as my baby's uncle.
I just dont think it's fair seeing as his family who have met my daughter once and have been truly horrible to our family get to have their titles but a man who is there for us as a family now can't have that respect.

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Casmama · 04/08/2016 23:55

I personally think that it is a bit weird to call people uncle if they are not. My parents made us do it and by the time I got to about 10/11 I found it really uncomfortable as it seemed babyish in a way that calling my real aunts and uncles wasn't.
What you call someone doesn't define your relationship with them- you may consider him your brother, others may think that s a bit odd. I'm with your partner on this one I'm afraid.

BettyCrystal · 04/08/2016 23:55

I'm Aunty Betty to my best mate's kids. It's just an affectionate nickname. They know I'm not their aunt. Your fella is taking it all too seriously...

Lily405 · 04/08/2016 23:58

I grew up calling several people "Aunt" and "Uncle" that weren't blood relatives. I liked it as I got older. Both of my parents only have one sibling so it was nice to have more. Does he have the same reluctance when it comes to siblings' spouses? It does seem a bit odd that he's so against the idea.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/08/2016 00:01

Uncle when applied to non related men has some odd connotations that I'm struggling to articulate.
Let it go but come up with something that's unique to him. So if his name is Paul call him Uppy, for Uncle Paul. Doesn't say Uncle but you (and he)know the derivation.

ayeokthen · 05/08/2016 00:02

Is he threatened/jealous? Ours DCs call a couple of our very good friends (long term, over 15 years) aunt/uncle. I can't see the issue, has he explained his reasons?

FiveFullFathoms · 05/08/2016 00:06

Someone can be a close friend without being an 'uncle'. I'm with your partner on this one. I don't like it and I don't do it. What's wrong with him just being 'Tom' or whatever? His relationship with your child will not be in any way hindered by not being called 'uncle'. They can still have a respectful, close relationship if they both want that. I'm genuinely baffled as to why it seems so important to you.

mummyto2monkeys · 05/08/2016 00:06

I would ask why he doesn't want your friend to be called Uncle. Is your dp/dh jealous of your friendship? I would continue to call your friend Uncle when around your children. Your children will copy you, is there any need for your dh to be with you when your friend visits or vice versa?I still call my Mums best friend Auntie, in so many cultures Auntie/ Uncle is a term of endearment / respect used for all elders.

BackforGood · 05/08/2016 00:24

Why doesn't he want you to use this honorary term ?
My dc have several 'uncles' and 'aunts' that are no blood relation, as indeed, I do, even now.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/08/2016 00:27

My husband refers to various friends as auntie/uncle re our daughter, whereas for me those titles are blood relatives only.

Stevefromstevenage · 05/08/2016 00:27

DH has a few of these honourary 'aunts' and 'uncles'. I think it was a lovely thing to do with small children except that he still oddly calls them aunt xxxx which is utterly bizarre since he never calls his actual aunts and uncles that anymore. He calls them by their first name.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/08/2016 00:28

at him being called controlling/threatening/jealous rather than just having a different opinion.

LucyBabs · 05/08/2016 00:33

Not that odd Steve I have an aunt who is actually a third cousin but she was a sister to my Mam.
I have an actual Aunt who is a weapon and doesn't deserve the title of Aunt.
What harm could possibly come from a child calling a good family friend their Aunt or uncle?

HeddaGarbled · 05/08/2016 00:36

He isn't your child's uncle because he isn't your brother or brother in law. You can class him as your brother since you were 6 or 12 or whatever age you have chosen all you like but he isn't your brother, he's a very dear friend. Why do you think that he isn't respected or loved if he isn't "granted" this word "uncle"? Your child will love him or not depending on the relationship that grows or doesn't grow between them. You love him because of your history. I suspect your H isn't as enamoured with him as you are. What he is called is irrelevant to all these relationships.

Lovelydiscusfish · 05/08/2016 00:48

To me this is a normal thing - it actually feels more polite for the dc to call an adult who is a constant in their life (perhaps baby-sitting, and so forth) aunty/uncle-first-name, than just first-name. So we apply it quite liberally.
Not saying your husband is deliberately being unkind - perhaps it just isn't a usage he is used to - but can he actually articulate his objections to it? If not, then I think he should consider respecting your wishes. He can't actually veto it anyway - you can always refer to friend as uncle-friend, even if he chooses not to! Though I do understand why you'd rather agree on it, if possible.

mischadee · 05/08/2016 00:53

I just thought it was fair that he should be uncle seeing as I call him my brother .. its not like he's a friend of 2 years I've known him since I was 6 im now in my 20s. . I've tried explaining to my partner that its also easier when people get confused and think my friend is my baby's dad to correct them and say its her uncle
I thought maybe because he is really good with her and has been there for so long it wouldnt cause any harm for him to be called uncle but I guess I'll have to respect my partner's decision
He refers to his brothers girlfriends and wives as aunties but my sister's partner of 8 years is still just mark and my younger sisters partner isn't ever mentioned by him.. he has 'relatives' that he's never spoken to and says "its like a distant nan or something, shes related to one of my grandads brothers or something" which makes absolutely no sense but he sticks to it ... it does feel slightly like double standards
I do like the idea of him having another name for him

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Hulaflame · 05/08/2016 00:55

It's a north / south thing. Up north we have always called our parents' friends aunt / uncle - it's normal to us and I still call them that now that I'm in my 30s. Makes us feel close to them. My child does the same with my close friends. Not so common down south though it would appear.

mischadee · 05/08/2016 00:58

I know that my daughter's love of him and all that won't change depending on a name .. and I see all too often children calling people aunt and uncle when their parents have known their friend for a couple of years
But its pretty hard to explain both my and my friends families fell apart when we were young I have family that I have never met and he has had just his mum since he was was kid so it has always felt like and he was always treated as an extension of our family

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mischadee · 05/08/2016 01:00

See I'm up north and I know when I was a kid we had an aunt and uncle who we knew werent related but it was a sign of respect to them

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EverySongbirdSays · 05/08/2016 01:01

2 sets of friends children refer to me as Auntie Nickname, 2 different nicknames funnily.

Another friends children say Songbird no Auntie involved

I don't mind either - the Auntie tag is cute when I hear them say it but I wouldn't have taken it as a slight if they had not chosen to do so. I have no nieces or nephews

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2016 01:02

Wait. He says HIS siblings' girlfriends are 'Aunties' but YOUR sibling's long term partner is NOT an 'Uncle'? Just how does he justify that?

I say you are entitled to have your child call your friends whatever you want them to. And same goes for your sister's partner.

mischadee · 05/08/2016 01:06

Yeah we got Christmas cards signed 'Auntie Em' so I said shes not her auntie and he just said well she is
But yeah my sister's partner isn't uncle in my partners mind despite the fact we haven't been together half as long as they have been and he is classed as uncle by my neices and nephews

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LucyBabs · 05/08/2016 01:10

Yy to what acrossthepond said!

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/08/2016 01:14

Are you really sure about your DP? He is sounding like he's admitted you to his gang and you should be grateful...

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2016 01:19

I'm sorry, misch, I think your partner sounds like a controlling arse.

mischadee · 05/08/2016 01:24

He has quite a twisted logic and not really had to deal with family before he got into his 20s. . As a kid his parents bought him games consoles and spent little time with him so he tried to make up for it over the past couple of years but he still believes his parents think hes screwed up his life because I fell pregnant (long story short his parents went through everything to try and make us not stay together but we're still plodding on) but has tried harder and harder to get acceptance off them ... he's quite intimidated by his family his parents can't ever accept responsibility of they're wrong and his brothers are 10/12 years older than him so he looks up to everything they do still

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