Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Should I marry him?(68 Posts)
Have posted on other boards about this and had some good advice but still floundering - background is im due to get married in just over 4 weeks and I'm having major doubts. Been with FI for 8 years and he's a lovely man - works hard, pulls his weight about the house, is respectful of me...but he also drains me, he relies on me to organise all holidays and weekend plans etc, he's not very sociable - I constantly watch him when we are in social gatherings and jump in if I see him struggling to make conversation etc - I really love him as a person and want the best for him but lately I've just wondered if I can do this forever? Why do I feel the need to protect him and put his needs first? I want to be able to relax when in company and wish he was more outgoing and suggested meeting people and doing things. He doesn't have many friends and I think it's mainly because he doesn't make effort to make conversation and also doesn't make the effort to keep in touch and do things with his friends. He only has one hobby and makes no effort to do other things or explore other potential hobbies. I get upset when I think about leaving and him being on his own.
None of these things make him a bad person - they just make me feel suffocated but I think he's actually ok being the way he is - it's maybe just me who almost pities him and that's such a horrible thing to say.
I've started to pay more attention lately to the things he says and at times find myself cringing - he's just very naive sounding and lacks a lot of general knowledge but I've always just thought that doesn't matter but now i worry what we will have to speak about for the rest of our lives and what he will have to teach our children etc.
I sound very unfair - I feel terrible for feeling and thinking this way - it's like a switch has been flicked and I can't flick it back.
He deserves someone who accepts him for him and doesn't think this way. I feel so bad and don't know what to do. Is this just normal cold feet/jitters? Doesn't seem that bad compared to some relationships so maybe I'm just panicking as I'm not a very decisive person and this is a big commitment.
Any experience of these types of jitters or advice from anyone who has cancelled a wedding?
This isn't going to be overly helpful, as you will only know but, what is your gut instinct telling you? My gut said "no" years ago and it was right
If you are questioning it now then surely the answer is no.
I lasted 12 years in my marriage after having these doubts.
When I first met my ex, I was attracted to his conversation and socialisation. We were students, he was more mature than many of our peers and stood out. But as I grew and developed, he didn't. I remember worrying the night before we got married about how he'd come across socially at our wedding reception
I tried, really hard, but we grew further and further apart.
Scary thought it is, make the break now - my ex found a wonderful woman who is now his DW, and yours will to; someone who he makes happy as he is.
I'm not a very decisive person, and I wavered a little in the run-up to my wedding day. Twenty years later I am very glad I was able to rationalise away my worries and went ahead.
So I don't think that if you need to ask the answer is no. The answer is deeper, and I wish you courage in finding it.
Doesn't sound like you want to marry him.
What was the posters' advice to your other posts?
Whatever you do, stop intervening when he's talking to people: you don't need to "help" him and it's disrespectful! You're clearly embarrassed and worried what others think of him, perhaps because of what YOU think about him.
And there's no point in wanting him to be different: you can't change people.
You're pitying him when he doesn't need it. In the nicest possible way these sound like your problems not his. You've said he seems happy! He clearly isn't what you want so with no kids involved I'd find someone who is without an upsetting and expensive divorce. He is probably aware you are embarrassed by him, maybe leaving will be best for you both? I wouldn't leave it longer though! Good luck!
I can empathise OP as was in the same boat.... I married and it lasted 5 years.... The heartache now at the split multiplied with every year I reckon, so although we had done very happy times I don't think we should have married
Sounds like you have grown in ways that he hasn't and that you are no longer compatible. Have you lost respect for him?
Op if you are having doubts please at least postpone.
The organisation side of things will just get worse when you get married and have dc
Also I think that you say how you feel you need to watch him in social gatherings and step in etc this will become exhausting. He doesn't like socialising he doesn't make friends. I think your own social life will suffer in the long term also and it will be just you and dh for ever...
No, you shouldn't. Why are still with a man you clearly despise?
Time I've had those thoughts also re his behaviour and conversation at the wedding - he tends to drink a lot when around a lot of people - probably for courage and confidence - but he doesn't get any more chatty when drunk and actually can come across worse when drunk and not very friendly.
Dozer I agree that I shouldn't jump into his conversations and I do it in a very subtle way but you are totally right that I worry what people think of him - I feel like I want everyone to like him and would love to see his confidence grow - he's told me before he was very shy as a child and gets anxious when speaking to people as he says his mind goes blank so I just always want to help him but I've realised I can't do that forever.
I've tried a few times when having dinner or in the car just sitting and now initiating conversation to see how he gets on but we end up sitting in silence or talking about work or he'll just point out that I'm quieter than usual but doesn't make an attempt at conversation.
I realise this is just his way and as PP mentions, he could find someone else who is better suited but I just don't know and im running out of time.
I think I make him very happy and he says I'm his best friend and I do care deeply for him and want him to have a happy life - if I knew he'd be fine and not be lonely I think I would like to take some time for me to work out why I'm doing this - I feel like a disgrace and angry at myself for behaving like this towards a person who deserves better.
I certainly don't despise him - it's hard to convey the full extent of the relationship on a short post so I've focussed on the negative thinking I'm experiencing but this shouldn't detract from the respect I have for him - yes I'm having these thoughts re his socialising etc but as I say, he's also a living, trustworthy and respectful partner - I just don't know if the balance is here for this to be a success and am interested in other people's experiences of pre wedding jitters and how others may have known to walk away from a long term relationship.
I agree that I need some insight into my own self - I don't like this version of me either - and I am hoping some person focussed counselling will help me address my own issues
anna. You deserve to be happy, and your DP deserves to play a part in his spouses happiness.
I'm not sure you're right together and I admire you for being self aware enough to admit that now, rather than hope things will work out.
When I married my STBXH over 11 yrs ago (together 8yrs before) in my head I promised to look after him. He wanted that role, to be looked after, always waiting for me to be the organiser. I loved him and thought it would work.
When we had DCs I needed him to grow up and he couldn't. He's now with an older OW who organises everything for him.
Your partner may seem like a nice shy man, but is he playing a victim role so you're trapped as the person saving him?
What do you want from a husband?
What do you get out of this relationship, what needs of yours does he meet within you?.
I would call the wedding off in these circumstances; your doubts are not unfounded ones at all. I really do think if you marry him you will be heading for the divorce courts within a few years, it will be a huge error to go ahead with marriage feeling as you do.
Are you co-dependent when it comes to relationships; why are you putting his perceived needs above yours?. Why do you exactly feel so responsible for him?. You are not his mother after all, do you feel like you want to mother him?. He will manage without you and you will manage fine without him.
You say he deserves better; well actually I think you deserve better from a relationship. What does he do for you other than drain you or make you feel suffocated?. That is not the way to be.
You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, it simply does not work. I am wondering if you have actually tried to rescue and or save him from his own self. You cannot rescue and or save anyone who actually does not want to be saved.
I would also carefully consider what you learnt about relationships from your own parents example when growing up. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from them.
He'll be fine workout you. Don't marry him out of pity or fear he'll crumble without you.
As another PP said, these sound like your problems, not his. Many quiet, introverted and/or solitary people are perfectly happy. If you feel that you need a more outgoing or sociable partner, find one - don't put the onus on him to become your fantasy man.
And don't marry someone because you worry about him or pity him - you want a partner, not a ward.
What do you mean, running out of time? Marry in haste, repent in leisure, as thousands of women on Mumsnet can attest.
You sound bored op and if you're bored now it won't improve once married. He will settle even further into his routines and habits.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.