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Hopeless situation

(13 Posts)
Esmeralda67 Thu 04-Aug-16 14:40:21

My DH who is in his 50s, has a drug problem that I cannot tolerate. He denies there is a problem though he is taking cocaine and ecstasy 2-3 times a week, stays out very late, sometimes all night and drinks heavily as well. We argue and he threatens to move out. Our DCs are almost grown up now, though still at home, and I often wish he would just go. However as there is no violence in our relationship I have no grounds for forcing him out. This situation has been going on for 4 years or so now and shows no sign of stopping. We sleep apart and he has begun to lock himself in the spare room when he is in the house. He treats me as though I am in the wrong and trying to spoil his fun. I sometimes doubt myself. Am I the one who is overreacting? I feel like I am losing my grip sometimes.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 04-Aug-16 14:48:06

What do you get out of this relationship with him?.

If anything you have been and are under-reacting here. You have enabled him and have tolerated this also because he is still in the marital home.

Have you never considered divorcing him?. Why do you at all think you have no grounds for throwing him out because he has not been violent?. You have more than good enough reason to be apart from him now.

Why have your children in turn been subjected to this from him as well, they've seen and heard far more than you perhaps care to realise. He won't do anything to make any changes, he has it well comfortable where he already is. You have to force change, he is taking you for a right idiot currently.

adora1 Thu 04-Aug-16 14:56:00

So because he's not violent you think it's not that bad!

He's taking class A drugs, punishable with prison if caught, and in your home with your child, you'd be arrested too btw so yes it is that bad.

He's using family money to fund his drug lifestyle and if he's out all night he will be getting up to god knows what cos believe me he will be out his face and wired.

Disgusting human being doing that to you and his child.

If he wants that lifestyle let him fucken go and do it on his own.

You will need to seek legal advice re separating, I couldn't spend one night with this type of person.

Both drugs are highly addictive and both cost a fortune, at 2-3 times a week you are talking hundreds of pounds.

MephistoMarley Thu 04-Aug-16 14:58:42

What do you mean you have no grounds for forcing him out? You mean the police/courts won't remove him? Well no, but you can divorce him and more than likely he will have to go. You don't stay with someone like this just because he's not violent confused

MiddleClassProblem Thu 04-Aug-16 15:00:29

Do your side know about his problem? He doesn't have to be abusove for you to force him out. He has a drug problem.

Is there anywhere you can go to get away, clear your head and think of a plan? Anyone you can confide in?

You don't deserve to live like this

happypoobum Thu 04-Aug-16 15:13:06

OP, do you really believe that violence is the only valid reason anyone ever has for divorcing?

You could easily get a divorce from him, his drug taking, excluding himself from you, arguments and withdrawal of physical affection are all perfectly good reasons.

See a solicitor and get some proper advice. You honestly don't have to live like this any more. Enough is enough eh?

adora1 Thu 04-Aug-16 15:21:37

If he is threatening to move out then accompany him to the front door!

Or, call the Police, he will be arrested for being in possession and will be locked up!

You do not have to tolerate or live like this.

Esmeralda67 Thu 04-Aug-16 15:38:39

I have looked into this and it is much more difficult to have someone evicted from their own home than you might think. I know the situation is impossible but I am not willing to leave our home and he says he will but does nothing about it. He has already been arrested for possession and there is no locking up! The offender is referred for a little chat with a drugs counsellor and no follow up. It is a low priority crime for police. As for money he has plenty, though no shared account so I have no idea how much is left. I suppose my response has been to live a largely separate life. I know that the next step is legal action, but I struggle with how this will affect the DCs who seem to think their Dad and his party lifestyle is a big joke. I am seen as the killjoy.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 04-Aug-16 15:56:23

Are you in the UK?.

The situation is not impossible and can be changed; you have to be the one to change it though because H is as happy as a clam in his own shit. You allow him also to do that.

You are right in one respect; the next step is legal action. Then you can properly get him out of your residence and life. Why have you not sought this before now, I am sorry but that question needs asking.

This is already affecting the DC in ways you cannot even begin to imagine.
Goodness only knows what your children make of him now, as well as you for that matter as their mother. You have failed to protect them from their drug abuser and heavy drinker dad.

happypoobum Thu 04-Aug-16 16:00:13

It really isn't difficult at all OP, thousands of people do it every month! You just have to file for divorce, and the "who gets to live where" issue will be resolved as part of the divorce.

Depending on the ages of the DC, you will probably get to remain in the former matrimonial home, but even if you did have to sell the house and split the equity, surely that would be better than living like this?

adora1 Thu 04-Aug-16 16:02:40

If he has been done before for possession then yes he could face a jail sentence, (and a criminal record). I know because I worked with homeless drug addicts, and even if that has changed, do you really want to live with that hanging over your head, I am sure they would also be less lenient knowing there is a child in the house where he is taking drugs and yes he will be OP, in your home.

The fact your kids are ok and cool with it is so bloody sad, they are so accustomed to it, Jesus, they will probably think it alright if they do it too then, my god, you have exposed them to something really awful OP but sounds like it's too late now.

I've seen lots of folk on ecstasy and coke and I've never seen such characteristic changes, and not for the better either.

Your life sounds intolerable but you sound resigned, you can actually do something about this, if you really want to.

OhThatThingAgain Thu 04-Aug-16 16:22:23

He's in his 50s and doing coke and E? Was he a late starter? Friends and I did that in our 20's and even early 30s. Not when married with children.

You have a right to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. Drink/drugs are one of the things listed in the first few lines of 'unreasonable behaviour'.

Seek legal advice, do not tell him about it. Just see a solicitor now. Do not discuss.

My husband was 'party boy', hell I was a party girl. The children came along and there is not even a cigarette smoked in this house. Believe me, we were caners! We've had our fun, fun doesn't start at 50 fgs.

You can't kick him out, but you can seek a divorce. I'm very liberal when it comes to drugs but I would not be tolerating that. It's abuse, emotional/mental or whatever they will call it. Get rid of him. How old are your children? This is not acceptable.

Even if your children are over 18 and you have to sell the family home I'd rather do that than live with him. Has he got a pension, you are entitled to a percentage. Seriously get legal advice ASAP.

Oh, and he's locking himself in the spare room it's for an extra toot for sure. This is not a LTB case, it's a kick the arsehole out of your home via the law case! Get a good solicitor, get yourself well armed and get rid.

SandyY2K Thu 04-Aug-16 16:31:58

Why can't you leave and file for divorce. Then sell the house and start over with your share.


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