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So fed up of dh's attitude to money

(243 Posts)
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Wed 03-Aug-16 23:19:34

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

BestZebbie Wed 03-Aug-16 23:24:52

Did he know in advance about the trip? I'm wondering if it was a knee-jerk reaction to hearing about it (and feeling a loss of control/panic that it was the tip of an iceberg) whereas if he had known it was coming for ages then he might see it more in context?

SillySongsWithLarry Wed 03-Aug-16 23:29:04

Lunch and a trip to the theatre is a big expense if it is unplanned. I would go up the wall if DH did that. It's not that it's spending money, it's spending a large amount of money that may have been earmarked for other things and expecting the account to be topped up without a thought.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Wed 03-Aug-16 23:31:44

Well I did tell him we were going but it turned into a slightly more expensive day than I'd planned. I just didn't envisage it being a problem. I don't know why he got so upset. It's not a regular occurrence.

He can just be so nasty and patronising.

I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. Fuck sharing a bed with him, I'm so angry.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Wed 03-Aug-16 23:32:58

It was about £120 all in. We're not talking hundreds. And certainly not a big amount for him. He spent more than that when we took the dds out last week. It's okay when he does it.

annandale Wed 03-Aug-16 23:34:34

I'll be honest, your post doesn't come across well to me. But I don't know the overall situation.

Do you have an agreed budget between you that covers outings and entertainment? Do you think it's realistic? Why did he need to top the account up?

I'm the one who earns in our house, dh is at home full time. It is not a relaxing situation to be in. Of course you and the kids should be able to go out and have fun any way you like if your joint financial goals allow it. But a huge treat like eating out plus theatre tickets - would you not do that as a family, with him?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 03-Aug-16 23:41:10

Well, it may be the context of how you told him-gushing about your wonderful day when he was tired from working to earn it. It reminds me of an episode of when my unemployed bil gushed to my sister about what a wonderful day he had out photographing things in the snow when she had to risk the 30 mile mountainous drive in slick conditions before dawn to get to work as a nurse where people had thrown up on her and another had actually died on her shift. She just was not able to share in his joy, iyswim.

You participate in the finances with a joint account so you are aware to some extent, but are you fully aware of your financial position regarding budget/retirement/university/etc?

GettingScaredNow Wed 03-Aug-16 23:41:16

I get your pov as I've been there.
But, if I were dh and you swanned in after an extravagant day and basically said 'top up the account as I've spent it all' I would hit the roof too.

Suggest time to cool down.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 03-Aug-16 23:42:34

university=saving for university

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Wed 03-Aug-16 23:43:55

I see your point. We did do that sort of thing last week as a family. He didn't have a problem with spending it last week and certainly didn't ask my opinion on it. I honestly didn't think he'd mind putting a bit extra in for the holidays. I wouldn't have gone otherwise!

I suppose I'm just getting a bit fed up of the continual assumption that he's in charge. Obviously we can find things to do that don't cost money, we take picnics to the beach and stuff. Go for a bike ride, get some books from the library, etc. It's not a regular thing, I'm not expecting it all the time.

When the kids are off school for six weeks though sometimes it's nice to do something special.

Xmasbaby11 Wed 03-Aug-16 23:45:26

That is a lot for a day out especially if it didn't include the whole family. I think possibly it was the surprise element and that you linked it to asking him for money that made it sound extravagant.

annandale Wed 03-Aug-16 23:46:24

Of course, but do you have an agreed budget?

I'm not denying that the holidays are bloody expensive to get through.

wobblywonderwoman Wed 03-Aug-16 23:47:27

Can you get some paid employment.

I keep my money seperate to dh as he doesn't spend money on treats.

Xmasbaby11 Wed 03-Aug-16 23:47:57

I agree you can't do free things every day and it sounds like a lovely day out. If you (as a family) can afford it maybe he's overreacting. Maybe you need to work out a rough budget for summer holiday spends?

Norwolf Wed 03-Aug-16 23:48:37

Lurker here, I think Ur right OP. FGS ur a family, I dont think him being so cross is right. Unless u had money worries which doesnt sound like u have. I struggle to understand why he would be cross with you.

LilacInn Wed 03-Aug-16 23:49:41

It sounds as though he resents being the breadwinner. Have you discussed this? Is there a plan for you to produce a larger income at some point or is he indefinitely responsible for supporting the family?

Is there a household budget in place that accounts for ordinary routine spending, treats, savings and other items? If not, there should be.

In his place i have to admit I'd be annoyed at willy-nilly extravagance.

ApocalypseSlough Wed 03-Aug-16 23:50:08

Blimey- I wouldn't spend that without checking it first if I wasn't the main breadwinner. Not when he wasn't even involved.

eyebrowsonfleek Wed 03-Aug-16 23:50:46

I think you need to sit down and ask him to work out a school holidays entertainment budget. Does he enjoy the theatre? How do you normally organise school holidays? Is 2 extravagant trips "normal"?

When I was a SAHM, the biggest problem I had was that ex had no idea how much things cost. £20 x3 tickets and £60 on lunch doesn't sound as bad as £120 iyswim.

Okkitokkiunga Thu 04-Aug-16 00:00:04

I see both your points of view. My DH is very careful with money as he grew up without much. We could afford to do the same outing but if I presented it like you did DH would hit the roof. He also probably wouldn't top
Up the joint account for a bit beyond what we needed for groceries because the extra expenditure wasn't discussed and agreed beforehand. I do spend quite a bit more during the holidays but I make sure DH knows that I'll be spending more as he doesn't begrudge it at all if he is prepared for it.

And you did state that your DH was a bit careful so just because he had an overtime cheque doesn't mean he wants to spend it.

Okkitokkiunga Thu 04-Aug-16 00:00:36

I mean without proper discussion as it's still your joint money.

sandgrown Thu 04-Aug-16 00:01:18

My DP can be like this even though I am the major earner. He is just a tight arse. I no longer mention how much I spend on days out and kids clothes and presents . He moans even though he is not paying! We do not share an account though.

VioletBam Thu 04-Aug-16 00:08:43

I also thought it sounded a lot for a day that wasn't someone's birthday!

What exactly is a high earner OP? People have different ideas of it.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Thu 04-Aug-16 00:12:25

I suppose it was a bit of a shock for him, but as I said I just didn't think it would be a problem, it was a bit of a one-off. We had lunch and then as we were out all day we had tea too so that was our food for the day, six meals.

Then he went on and on about other stuff. I do earn a little bit myself but nowhere near as much as him. I'd already spent a chunk of my money because I had to have new glasses. They weren't a luxury, I'm bat-eyed and needed a new prescription. Could have done without it this month really. Should have saved the money.

wherearemymarbles Thu 04-Aug-16 00:12:34

'And certainly not a big amount for him'

Whats that all about??? Surely it should be
'And certainly not a big amount for us'??

Your partner is a financial control freak. Im tight but not when it comes to our kids and enjoyable things for them to do!!

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Thu 04-Aug-16 00:14:37

Well he's a high earner to me, £50k+. That's a lot more than I'd ever earn. We're comfortable enough on it. We don't run a Range Rover or go skiing or have a cleaner. Probably peanuts to some.

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