Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

keep going or stop? NC family related

(11 Posts)
LizKeen Wed 03-Aug-16 22:03:44

Long back story, previous threads. Short version is that I am NC with basically all of my family. The most recent being my parents, and even that is over a year ago.

So my aunt, who is my mums sister, was still speaking to me after my parents and I fell out. We had sporadic contact between August 2015 and February this year. I haven't seen or heard from her since February.

She has 3 DC, two are teens. I am still in contact with one of them, and I sent a card for the other one's birthday a couple of months ago. I was very close to them growing up, and the one I am still in contact with has made it clear she has no intention of cutting me out. However, we don't talk about the situation as I don't want to put her in any kind of awkward position.

So, my aunt, who I have always been close to, has always been flakey with contact, but I feel like going for 5 months without contacting me is pretty shitty, even for her, and at this point I am preparing myself to accept that she has taken my parents side and is no longer speaking to me, although her child is of the opinion that she still is.

Yes, I could have contacted her, but I feel like the contact we had between August and February was all at my instigation, and I don't want to put her in an awkward position either, which is why I backed off.

And here we are. 5 months on, not so much as a text, nothing. Add to that the fact that my child is going through assessment for something that one of her children has....a caring person (which I thought she was) would have wanted to offer support surely?

The issue now is, that the other child, who I am not as close with and who is younger, more the age of my DCs, has a birthday coming up, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to post a card and turn in to my mum, (long story) plus posting it would be ridiculous when they live a 5 minute walk away. I also don't want to go round there, and keep trying with someone who I feel has made their feelings pretty clear. But neither do I want the youngest child feeling left out as I still have contact with the older ones.

So wwyd? Accept that I will be the worst in the world no matter what I do and just leave it, or continue to recognise birthdays when it is clear I am not wanted?

Fwiw I have bought the card, it is sitting there, with money in. I just am exhausted by the emotions of the whole situation, and I feel like I am really just done with it now.

janethegirl2 Wed 03-Aug-16 22:32:24

Either post it or pop it through the letter box when you know they won't be there.

LizKeen Wed 03-Aug-16 23:58:02

I just feel like where does it end? When can I stop being the bigger person? Why is it OK for them to not bother with me for 5 months but I feel guilty for not sending a card?

LizKeen Thu 04-Aug-16 11:08:14


Dutchcourage Thu 04-Aug-16 11:16:01

Liz I think it all rings a bell.

Tbh you can't accuse her of doing something you have done also. Some people are shit at keeping up contact. I e not spoke to my brother since Feb/March. We havnt fell out just life keeps getting in the way and it will be down to me to ring.

Life's too short.

Take the card and knock on the door. 'Say hi stranger' with a smile and take it from there.

Your most likely feeling it more as you are NC with your family (I'm NC with my own mother) so when they don't get in touch it's really obvious - your aunt might just keep forgetting. It happens.

If you ignore the birthday or just post the card you will be making the point of being arsey.

Just go round and get it sorted flowers

LizKeen Thu 04-Aug-16 11:24:36

But surely the fact that I am cut off from everyone else makes it more imperative that she should contact me if she hasn't cut me out?

I do see your point, but at this stage, I am completely and utterly done with being the bigger person. With rising above. With being the adult. With making allowances and forgiving shitty behaviour and always understanding and making excuses.

She is my aunt. She lives within walking distance. We have always been close. She knows my child is going through assessment for ASD. She knows I am cut off from ALL my family. It has been 5 months. I don't think that I can turn this back onto myself anymore.

Dutchcourage Thu 04-Aug-16 11:34:39

She probably I sn't even thinking that deep in to it. She has told you she won't fall out with you and it most likely just getting on with life.

I know how it feels, I'm NC with my mother for getting on 16 years and my dad is shit. Lives ten min drive and I see him probably one or twice a year. It's hurtful.

I wouldn't see this as riding above it as she genuinly might not think she is doing anything wrong. If she had ignored text or phone calls then that would be arsey - but you havnt gone to her either have you?

Is your aunt your only support network? Do you have friends? I honestly wouldn't go on the turn with her. Not because i think you should be the bigger person - just that you havnt contacted her either.

This could be turned into a massive thing which gives your mum something to gloat about or you can just nip it in the bid and go see her.

LizKeen Thu 04-Aug-16 12:13:23

I contacted her from August until February. Invited her round. She came. At times there was an atmosphere.

It is my teenage cousin that said she wouldn't cut me out, not my aunt.

I do see what you are saying. I think its just at the point where I am facing up to the reality that I have always been used, aleays given help willingly. I have had her crying on my shoulder about her marriage. When I need support no one is there. This feels the same. If I was useful to her she would be in contact.

I am generally isolated at the minute, though I do have friends and a great husband. I don't need her, but a text or something isn't too much to ask.

Puff42 Thu 04-Aug-16 12:18:15

Well the child doesn't really have anything to do with the mother not contacting you, right? I'd post it especially since you'd sent one to the sibling.

Dutchcourage Thu 04-Aug-16 12:36:07

why did you feel there was an atmosphere? If you seen her in the street tomorow what would be the out come?

Some people are takers - I have a couple of those in my family but they are not toxic enough for me to go NC (at this point)

I suppose liz it boils down to what you feel at peace with. If you don't take thst card round things can get really awkward if you bump in to the street. Is it worth that.

What about talking the card see how it goes then go home at least knowing where you stand.

I've been NC with my mother for years but always felt a bit guilty but after 16 years in I find out she has moved and not told anyone where she has gone which kind of takes the pressure of me iyswim.

I think if you ignore the birthday you may always think that you initiated the fall out - if you go round and there is an atmosphere - leave her to it and be at peace that this isn't your doing brew

Heatherplant Thu 04-Aug-16 16:38:53

I'd go round and assess the atmosphere. If there is one then decision made they can be on the NC list. I'm NC with the remaining members of my family (lovely bunch that includes alcoholics and criminals) it's a lonely unsettling time at first but eventually you wake up one morning and realize you're free from all the drama.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now