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Would this bother you??

(25 Posts)
Spudthecat Wed 03-Aug-16 21:06:29

This might be a long one but I really need someone to talk to about this, me and my oh met in 2010, I fell pregnant very early on (about 2 months) I went on holiday when I was a few weeks pregnant and he ended up breaking up with me over it as he wasn't happy about it, anyway 6 months into my pregnancy he asked me to move in with him, I said no as we weren't together and was arguing a lot and I didn't want to move in with someone just because I was pregnant, anyway when my dd was born we decided to give it a go and it was ok until I gave birth to our twins in 2014, I broke up with him as I was on a path of self destruction and I pushed him away, looking back I think I had pnd but was in denial at the time so never got any help, we spent a year apart and in that time he met lots of other women, he moved one in he had met once, yes once! They lived together for 3 months, anyway after a year me and him decided we still loved each other and decided to give it another go, he only told me about the other woman living with him because it slipped out as he only ever saw the kids at mine, he has a 3 bed house and rents out all the rooms so there was never any space, anyway after a month I find out one of the people living in his house is another woman again but this time just renting, anyway I wasn't too happy about it and it did make me feel uncomfortable but I tried to be ok with it as we were only just back together, but then he would tell me things like she walks round in just a towel, she jokes about her vibrator they would smoke together in the garden and how his friends have said should just sleep with her! She was there 6 months before she moved out. He told me after that he would never rent a room out to a woman again, so for the last year there has been 3 men there, they are all leaving this month and I made it very clear I think we should live together as we now have 3 kids and it's been 6 years, he makes out that because I said no in the beginning that he would never live with me, so a week ago I was at his house and he proposed to me but I basically said I wouldn't marry him whilst we don't live together, I knew he already had people lined up for the rooms, so we were talking and I said "your not moving in a woman are you" to which he said no, anyway on Monday we were lying in bed when the door bell rang, then his house mate shouted "it's Gabriella" so obviously I look at him, he jumps up and leaves the room making sure to shut the door, so I stand by the door and hear the woman ask if he will be in all day and she mentions keys, so his renting the room out to a woman again, now obviously I was fuming as he sat in my face and lied, I got ready and left and told him it was over, would other people be ok with their partner living with another woman But not them?? he kept asking me if I was jealous so I just want to know if other people would be ok with it?

pegomassive1 Wed 03-Aug-16 21:12:34

Well my main issue Tbh would be that he refuses to live with me and our children that we have together
Does he contribute to your household/to the costs of having 3dc?
Why did he propose if he doesn't want to live together? Would you get married and then live apart
Renting out a room to a female would not bother me, but you don't trust him. Why don't you like him renting to other women because from what I can gather he didn't ever cheat on you with a lodger? Was just a bit friendly with one? And another was a lover but you were separated is that right?

pegomassive1 Wed 03-Aug-16 21:13:54

Ultimately my main problem would be that he doesn't want to live with me
Not that he is renting to other women because women or men it doesn't matter bottom line is he doesn't want to live with you and that would be the end of it for me why wait around wasting time here he doesn't want to live with you

Spudthecat Wed 03-Aug-16 21:19:45

I must say I don't trust him no, he says nothing happened with the female lodger but I don't believe him as he was showing me text messages from her when he gave her notice to leave, she was very angry about leaving which I found strange, also he said she doesn't believe he has a girlfriend, I guess it's the fact he would live with other women but doesn't want to live with me, I don't get why if he loves me he wouldn't want to live with me, he wants to keep things the way they are, as him renting out rooms and coming to mine.

pegomassive1 Wed 03-Aug-16 21:23:44

Well for me they wouldn't be good enough
He's either committed to you or he is not
What kind of dad is he? Why is he happy to live separately from his 3Dc if he is in a relationship with their mother? He needs to either 100% commit to you and dc or you need to leave the bastard

thenightsky Wed 03-Aug-16 21:24:32

Why do you think he doesn't want to live with you? He proposed to you didn't he? Or would you be married and live separately? confused

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Wed 03-Aug-16 21:32:50

Just no. Tell him to fuck right off. He wants to have his cake and eat it. I've been there. Ex wouldn't move in with me when I was pregnant - his excuse was that he'd been 'homeless' and that having his own place was important to him (ended up screwing around) He wants to be a family man and a bachelor? Nope. He has to choose. Move in with you or be on his own. Please, just fuck him off. You deserve waaaay better. flowers

Spudthecat Wed 03-Aug-16 21:33:38

I'm guessing it's because in his words "why work when I can get free money" by renting out his rooms, i work but he doesn't seem to want to, yeh he is a good dad and does provide for them sometimes, I'm not even sure how he thinks it would work if we did get married yeh I think he would like to live separately, he makes jokes about never living with me because I don't buy Andrex and told my mum he would never live with me when I was in hospital having a csection, 8 weeks later he moved in a woman he met off pof, now I honestly don't get how he could move in a woman he met once but doesn't want to live with me

pegomassive1 Wed 03-Aug-16 21:35:31

Honestly you deserve better than this op you should not be wasting your time on that man anymore flowers

AnyFucker Wed 03-Aug-16 21:39:41

for God's sake don't have any more kids with this bloke

what an absolute car crash

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Wed 03-Aug-16 21:43:00

OP, sadly many of us put up with all kinds of crap with the men we have children with in the hope of remaining a family unit. If we didn't have children with these guys, we would have told them to bugger off years ago. But we keep trying to make it work. Give him an ultimatum to either be with you properly, or sod off. You are expected to be there for your kids, but you will be constantly distracted and fretting about what he's up to. I've done it. At first, it felt like I had wasted six years of my life, but actually I learned an important lesson. You need to be with someone who has the same values, sense of responsibility, and hopes for the future as you. OP, this guy is so not worth your effort.

Spudthecat Wed 03-Aug-16 21:49:48

He said he isnt moving her in anymore, but that isn't the point, the fact he sat in my face and lied when I asked him out right, he also intended to keep it from me I'm not sure how he was going to keep it up, he obviously wasn't going to let me come to his house anymore so he was going to hide it from me as long as possible

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Wed 03-Aug-16 21:53:06

So you know he's a liar. And he's already cheated. Do yourself and your children a big favour and leave him. There really are nice guys out there, and you deserve someone who can help you take care of your little family. He's being neither a partner, nor a father right now.

category12 Wed 03-Aug-16 21:54:07

None of this is reasonable. Relationships aren't supposed to be non stop drama fests.

Now, maybe you're used to it, maybe you get off on it, but at some point you really ought to sit yourself down and think - is this really the kind of life I want to live and is this the kind of life I want to show my children?

This isn't a good relationship. It doesn't even sound fun.

Spudthecat Wed 03-Aug-16 22:41:42

I'm just sad our relationship never developed to that point yet there's some woman out there who can say she lived with him after meeting him once, I know I have to move on from it though, just finding it hard

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Wed 03-Aug-16 22:55:58

It's tough at first, but I'm three months in and getting there. I spent six years with a guy who always had his foot out the door; I gave him ultimatums and it didn't work. There were many, many times when I knew I should leave, but didn't because we were 'a family'. He ended up cheating on me. I wish I'd listened to my gut instinct, but never mind. I will be ok, you will be ok. Keep posting for support. You can't live like this. three children & he still won't live with you? While * you* work? I know it's awful making the break, but you deserve much more than this.

Norwolf Thu 04-Aug-16 00:07:05

Sorry OP but he sounds awfull. I know I wouldnt want him for me. You deserve better flowers

Lilacpink40 Thu 04-Aug-16 00:16:42

It doesn't sound as though you and your DC are his priority now, and he has no intention of changing.

Why don't you make yourself your priority?

Spudthecat Thu 04-Aug-16 00:21:59

I've broken up with him now, we haven't spoken at all today, but I just can't stop replaying the whole thing

Spudthecat Thu 04-Aug-16 00:30:46

Sorry to drip feed but wanted to add the woman he met off pof was paying to stay there (but half price) and said to him if they sleep together she wouldn't pay him, which they ended up sleeping together and then she got annoyed when he still asked for the rent, so that's why she ended up leaving he was also living with a woman just before he met me who was paying to stay there but he was sleeping with her aswell, so it's something he does

Lilacpink40 Thu 04-Aug-16 00:44:26

Onwards and upwards. You won't be dragging a dead-weight behind you anymore, but he'll need to help with DCs.

category12 Thu 04-Aug-16 06:40:39

He doesn't want to live with you because it would totally cramp his style. He's got the joys of a family, homelife and sex on tap with you, without the work or domestic grind cos you do all that - plus he can live as though he's single and shack up with whoever he likes. He doesn't love you enough and he is completely selfish and a waste of space.

You need to stop thinking "why doesn't he want me" and start thinking "why the fuck do I want this lazy cheating asshole"?

Amelie10 Thu 04-Aug-16 06:50:42

Agree with AF

You both need to grow up and realise you have 3 children and stop this immature nonsense. What a train wreck of a 'relationship'.

Isetan Thu 04-Aug-16 09:03:08

You have children now and they deserve better than watching this car crash of a interaction (can't see it as a relationship). Time to grow up and to stop wasting time trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Thu 04-Aug-16 16:23:34

Spud. One day in the not too distant future, you will have that 'what the hell was I thinking ?' moment. Occasionally, when I wake at 3am, I have a brief moment of missing my ex, but by the morning, it's gone. You & your children deserve better. You are pretty much doing it alone, anyway. Is it such a big change (apart from the fact you are free from the head-fuckery and drama)? Be strong.

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