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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP will not take time off work and I am sick...

100 replies

hadenoughofit37 · 03/08/2016 18:16

He's going away tomorrow on business trip!. hospital calls today to confirm severe pneumonia on my X-ray a few days ago - said I should rest let antibiotics work. School hols, swimming run every day. toddler running about. Stressed.

Is it too much to expect him to take time off to take care of children. No family to rely on. I am so angry with him for being selfish, reason I have pneumonia is that I have not got over previous illnesses due to no time off.

OP posts:

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Autumnsunshinebaby · 03/08/2016 18:20

Oh goodness this is tough. I'm sorry you aren't well. I can really see why you would want him to do all those things so that you can rest. Have you got friends locally who could help?

SaggyNaggy · 03/08/2016 18:20

Depends.
If he skips this business trip will it negatively impact his career / job?
Do you enjoy the fruits of that said job? Roof, food, warmth etc.

I know you're I'll and would like support but if his job is important then I wouldn't expexcexpexct him to drop it and not go tbh.

Are there no child minders in your area that can look after kids for a day at least? Also daily swimming? Why?

Amelie10 · 03/08/2016 18:23

Are you a sahm? I don't think a business trip is something you can just cancel. Can you not get a babysitter for a few days?

Dutchcourage · 03/08/2016 18:25

Can he take the time off?

ive been in your position and it fucking sucks

MatildaTheCat · 03/08/2016 18:27

It sounds as if you aren't far from a hospital admission if you don't get some rest and recovery time. What will happen then?

There are places that will provide respite nannies/ sitters but would he be willing to pay?

Get well soon.

Houseconfusion · 03/08/2016 18:28

Wow, saggynaggy. Or this -

Does she enable him to have a family and a career? Feed him, cook for him so he can maintain his career perhaps? Does he enjoy the fruits of her labour ie food home comforts kids? If so it's unreasonable to ask her to sacrifice her health/recovery/comfort when he enjoys the benefits of her work.

Houseconfusion · 03/08/2016 18:28

Wow, saggynaggy. Or this -

Does she enable him to have a family and a career? Feed him, cook for him so he can maintain his career perhaps? Does he enjoy the fruits of her labour ie food home comforts kids? If so it's unreasonable to ask her to sacrifice her health/recovery/comfort when he enjoys the benefits of her work.

PickledCauliflower · 03/08/2016 18:28

You need bed rest with pneumonia - many people are hospitalised with it.
If you have no family members / friends who can take care of your children, I can't see how he can avoid cancelling his trip.
If you try and carry on as normal with pneumonia, you are likely to collapse.

longdiling · 03/08/2016 18:28

Has he even asked for time off or considered it?! If he's given a straight no without consideration then he's a twat. If he has genuine worries about losing his job and he is doing everything he can to help you rest when he is there then I'd be more understanding.

chipmonkey · 03/08/2016 18:29

To be honest, I work in a job where it would be frowned upon to take time off work to care for an ill spouse. It shouldn't be like that but unfortunately a lot of employers aren't very understanding about family stuff.

PickledCauliflower · 03/08/2016 18:31

I don't think it matters if you benefit from him having this job.
You are have a serious illness. If you don't take medical advice and rest you will end up in a hospital bed.

hadenoughofit37 · 03/08/2016 18:32

Thanks, I am a sahm but have passive income so earn more than him. I don't care about his job it is too far from the family house (3.4 hour round trip every day) and he puts too much effort into it, he is senior manager but as I earn more than him I just don't get it, he is too knackered to have a proper relationship with me or the kids. This is really a greater problem in our partnership and I am on brink of leaving. Thanks for your replies. I do have lots of friends who have offered to have the kids a few hours. so I will rotate them a bit. but I am going to tell him to cancel the trip as your right TheCat if I go into hospital and he is not here kids will be taken into social services.

OP posts:

PickledCauliflower · 03/08/2016 18:34

I think your wife having pneumonia, and needing to take care of the children is an acceptable reason to take time off work?
What would the alternative be?
Without wishing to cause alarm, pneumonia can be fatal it not treated (treatment includes bed rest).
Running around after a toddler will be impossible for you.

ayeokthen · 03/08/2016 18:34

It's pneumonia ffs, whoever is querying whether or not he should take time of, have a word with yourself??? Pneumonia, not a cold, or a chest infection but a very serious, potentially life threatening (without rest and proper treatment) condition. If she collapsed when he was away, who would have the kids? This assumption that because SAHM don't "work" they can have the kids whatever state they're in is ridiculous.

AyeAmarok · 03/08/2016 18:35

Yes tell him to cancel and take some responsibility for his children. Arsehole.

Then I'd probably ship him out once you're feeling better.

situatedknowledge · 03/08/2016 18:36

Please ask him to reconsider. I was in your position a few years ago and tried to keep going without rest. It took me six months to be fully recovered.

cosytoaster · 03/08/2016 18:36

....to take time off work to care for an ill spouse
It's not time off to care for OP but their children. I think he should make every effort to take the time off. I'm a single mum and caring for children when you're ill yourself is the pits.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/08/2016 18:36

It's tough but it might not be possible for trip to be missed. How old are your dx?

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 03/08/2016 18:37

Tell him he needs to take parental leave if you end up in hospital who will look after the kids if hes away on a business trip

Joysmum · 03/08/2016 18:38

He wouldn't be caring for a sick spouse chipmonkey he'd be caring for his children as his wife is on the point of being admitted to hospital so clearly not up to it!

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 18:38

i think you are right to be considering leaving him, youd probably get much more support on your own and wouldnt have to cook and clean for an extra dead weight! Im sorry but being a SAHP is just as important as whatever job the working parent has, the two cant exist without the other and should be given equal consideration. When you are sick he needs to pick up the slack. Im sure he wouldnt be going into work if he had pneumonia so why does he expect you to? Get well soon xxx

JustAnotherPoster00 · 03/08/2016 18:39

I don't care about his job it is too far from the family house (3.4 hour round trip every day) and he puts too much effort into it, he is senior manager but as I earn more than him I just don't get it, he is too knackered to have a proper relationship with me or the kids.

That's why he not taking the time off OP........wow, just wow :/

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GinIceAndASlice · 03/08/2016 18:42

Please take this seriously. I lost my Mum to pneumonia in June this year. She was only 67 so not in her 80s or really elderly.

Bed rest us essential.

Tell him that the children are his responsibility and you MUST rest or there's a high probability that you will be hospitalised or worse.

Good luck I hope you are feeling better soon

Wallywobbles · 03/08/2016 18:43

He is being v unreasonable. I've had pneumonia twice and I was largely unconscious and couldn't look after my 5&6 yo.

I had a friend come and bath me, change my sheets and put me to bed. Another friend picked up kids from school, fed them and put them to bed. If it had been the holidays I'd have been fucked.

PickledCauliflower · 03/08/2016 18:44

And that should have said tough tittie :) x

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