Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I really don't to leave my husband but I can't carry on like this(24 Posts)
I suffer from depression, have done for as long as I can remember. I don't know if that affects how I cope.
My marriage brings me no joy at all. When I get home from work (only pt hours) I do the laundry, clean the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, Hoover, mop the floors. By 5pm when H gets home I'm exhausted. But then I play with DD do more cleaning (H makes so much mess I just can't keep on top of it) and basically just run around picking things up until DD goes to bed. Then I have a shower, sit down for about an hour and go to bed myself. When I wake up at 5:45 the next day I start it all over again.
I've told H that I need help, that I can't cope, that having to trail around sorting out everyone else's mess 25/7 is pushing me to the edge. He doesn't give a shit. He just turns things around to talk about how hard his life is, he doesn't listen at all.
The past 4 years have been so difficult for me, I just want to kill myself. I can't cope at all and it's affecting my parenting, I know I'm no good to DD like this.
How can I make him understand?
My head is all over the place sorry. I just can't think straight
You would be less depressed if you weren't taking on the role as his slave, fgs woman just stop it, he has told you and shown you he does not give a fig and will not help so help yourself, move out or move on with yourself and your daughter and have the life you want not the living it through this selfish uncaring git.
He starts at 8, so leaves the house around 7:30. I leave the house around 6:30 and get home around 3.
Yeah that's pretty much my daily routine. I have to do so much because everyday the house gets that messy. He doesn't pick up after himself at all. For example last night I didn't eat dinner but he did (I was out) and when I came home there were pots and pans on the side, even though I'd emptied the dishwasher only an hour before he ate, plates on the side and he had spiked some breadcrumbs and sauce on the side and floor but hadn't cleaned anything.
I feel like I'm just an unpaid maid. I've told him how when he leaves stuff like that for me to do it feels like he is saying "I'm more important than you, I shouldn't have to sort my stuff out but you can because your time is worthless and you deserve to relax or rest" but he doesn't listen, he just says "no that's not the case" and carries on doing it.
Last time he helped with housework was when he came home to find most of my clothes cut up around the house and me crying in bed after self harming. I feel like I'm about to break and he won't even try to help me feel better.
Try getting your DH to read this....
Eatsshitandleaves having read that I will certainly try and get him to read it, it does explain very accurately how I feel.
I do agree with the pp who said I'd have less to do without him. Whenever he goes away for the weekend I feel infinitely more relaxed, he went away for 5 days last year and I didn't have to do a proper tidy up once, because I just tidy as I go so there was never a need for me to stop having fun with DD to do some bullshit tidying up.
Thank you all for your replies so far, I thought I was going crazy getting so upset over something as silly as housework.
If he works full time get a cleaner. Tell him it's none negotiable as u are too stressed. Stop doing his washing /cooking etc. And I hope u are too tired for adult activities also. Tell him life needs to change or u will be having a clear out - of him and all his stuff!
You are not being silly at all.
Frankly I'm not surprised you are depressed. The life you describe is depressing and quite frankly somewhat humiliating.
I think a trip to the GP is a good idea but I think any recovery re: your mental health will also need to involve a significant lifestyle change.
If your DH doesn't love you enough to make the necessary changes on his part then for your own sake then you should remove him from the equation.
I'd say the reason you are feeling this shitty is because of your useless DH who expects so much from you. I say if you left him and concentrate on you and your DD you'd eventually feel a lot brighter with the possibility of meeting someone who doesn't treat you like a maid in your own fucking home.
However, you mentioned self harming - OP - you need to get yourself down to the GP pronto. Like, tomorrow. Self harm is not something to be scoffed at or dismissed and you must get yourself talking to professionals who can help you reconcile that urge. You mentioned you had depression and I totally get why you'd feel so low, but OP - self harm is a very extreme coping mechanism and I'm concerned that you have felt so low you need to do this, especially considering you've got your little girl to look after too. Your priority needs to be on protecting and helping you and your DD right now - sod your useless husband, you've given him plenty of chances and opportunities to step up and he won't change.
Could you take yourself and DD to a parents/relatives/friends for a day or two?
Every one suggesting going to the gp you are right. I know that I have to go if I want to take any steps towards getting better. I'm so scared of having to tell someone I feel like this though... I don't know why.
I'm going to have a serious talk with him tonight, if he doesn't listen I'll have to call it a day on us. We don't really have any physical aspect to our relationship anymore so if he doesn't even care about me I guess the end came a long time ago anyway.
I can't go to my parents as they live too far away. I also had a fairly abusive childhood, mentally and physically so don't feel very safe there. But I do have s friend who lives near my work and is very supportive so I could try her.
Thank you everyone for your support. I will pop back later to update. It's been really nice to get it off my chest and have people respond and actually support me instead of acting like I am over reacting so that's meant a lot and has already made me realise that maybe it's not me who is the problem (or at least not entirely the problem)
I bet his shitty treatment of you is significantly contributing to your depression
You're definitely not the problem here from what I can see. Your DH may not be a bad man but doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is clearly having such a detrimental impact on your physical and mental health.
The problem isn't even just about housework - the problem is your DH doesn't respect your opinion enough to listen and act accordingly, or suggest ways of helping. The very fact that the only time he's felt compelled to help has come as a consequence of you having to harm your own body in frustration says all I need to know - you've tried communicating, you've tried pleading, you've tried everything with no avail.
Has he always been like this OP? The only way I could see this working out between you two is if this is just what your DH is like and for whatever reason (depression, illness, relationship aging, stress) you've become more intolerant to it. If this is the case, I can kind of see from your DH's POV that he'd be like 'Well, you've never had an issue before' and may not be taking it seriously. However; whah remains is you clearly are struggling with lack of support at a time when you need it, and you have every right to say this isn't working anymore and support yourself without having to deal with a man child added to the mix. Tbh though, I get the impression your DH is probably pretty lazy and just expects of you rather than appreciating you - this happens in relationships and marriages but the ones that last are the ones where people can communicate.
I'm sorry to hear about your childhood but I'm glad you have a good friend.
I would say don't make any permanent decisions yet. Have a chat, you could explore avenue of counselling together (providing there has been no previous instances of abuse) and work towards communicating your needs to one another. Spend some time with your friend and away from grindstone (DH/housework) and chat about your options. But absolutely get yourself to GP
Butt muncher: he has always been like this but I've never tolerated it, we've been together approx 5 years and nearly everyday I've told him. He says he has gotten better in that if I scream at him about something he will now do it. When we first moved in together he wouldn't do anything even though I was heavily pregnant so I told him I was leaving. Since then he got better, but better than terrible isn't really anything to write home about.
Sounds like you are in a relationship with a child, do not underestimate the trauma of having to live with someone who shows you no friggin regard, it's soul destroying and from what you say OP, it really is time to say enough is enough, you matter!
Really, what would you be losing - a big weight of your shoulders.
I struggled with agraphobia when I was with my Exh ( note the Ex) after I started recovering I realised he liked me having agraphobia.. It meant I was at home cooking his meals and been his maid..
Turns out life is much easier..Firstly How old is DC can she help at all.
When you get back at 3 go out so no mess is made..
Go to Gp about depression.
Get a plan of how to improve your life without DH..
God, I'd get out too, that's ridiculous. You can't live like that for the rest of your life!
He says he's better because he'll now do things if you scream at him?! What a miserable existence for you and your child and fucking absurd for an adult to wait to be shouted at like a child being told off by his parent.
Seriously, you would be better off on your own that living like this.
I'm a single parent and, believe me, whatever you think it's going to be like, it's actually so much better.
Think long and hard about what you want the next 1, 3, 5, 10, 50+ years of your life to look like. You only get one shot at this. Just one.
This situation is nt easy for you, but it is not easy
Living with someone with depression. Maybe your standards are higher than his, maybe you re focusing on housework as a displacement activity.
My mother had depression and nothing any of us did was good enough, including my father. It took me years to realise it was her depression that was the issue, not us.
Please get help for your depression before making a big decision.
Sorry u haven't been back.
I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. I know I need to but I just have not been feeling up to it. It's going to take so much perseverance from me to just get him to acknowledge any of this that I haven't had the energy yet.
I feel so worn down.
I have an appointment at the gps in 2 weeks though. So hopefully something will come of that.
I just want to look forward to coming home. I don't anymore. Stepping through the door I just want to scream.
Thank you everybody for your support.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.