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Husband, his mum, dad, our family, emotional abuse(18 Posts)
Sorry first of all as this post will be hard to read, as my thoughts are all over the place. I need help to think all this mess through, I don't have anyone else to talk to in the real world. Our background, Iam 29 my husband is 33' we have three kids, 7,4,1. My husband was a teacher till he left last year due to stress. I am at home with children till youngest is in school.
My mum and stepdad are around, but we are not really close, they don't look after the kids I can't rely on them if you see what I mean. I wouldn't ask for help as they can be quite too faced and want to be paid back for the favour, I find it hard to deal with, I feel they can't be trusted.
We have got into lots of financial trouble as my husband earnings have dropped by 10k pair year and we are feeling it. We were in debt anyway and it's just got worse. He quit with no job lined up 6 weeks after the littlest baby was born.
So we have had to move into my husband dads house and basically live in one room. It's not ideal, but we would be homeless otherwise. It's awkward as I feel greatful that he has let us moving in but it's also a nightmere, I don't want to be here, we have left friends, moved schools,started again.
It's been really hard the past few years, we have had lots of problems, I believe my husband to be emotionally abusive, I am trapped for now, I don't know if we can stay together long term. All the recent troubles have been a distraction, so we are not having issues as often.
Right the main issue is that my husband mum and dad have been making things harder and it's putting pressure on us we don't need at the moment.
I was talking to his dad the other night, just making small talk, he spends his Sunday's at my mother in laws house, they have been seperated 20 odd years. I asked was mother in law asking about the kids, he's said yeah, then somehow the convocation moved on to how she feels that we stop her from seeing the kids, I don't answer my phone and reply to texts. Which is simply not true.
My mother in law has been the cause of so many problems, I am just now seeing how much, my husband mum and dad have hurt him.
She left him when he was a teenager, just pissed off to live the life she wanted, and now she constantly seeks validation for her actions from my husband. She has managed to twist this all around so that she is the victim, so the issue for her is ' why doesn't my son like, me'boohoo. Rather than what have I done to make him feel that way. She insists that she left to look after her older son who is mentally ill, in fact she had an affair and just passed off, to buy her own house and didn't take the kids.
I can give a few examples of her behaviour, it's all about her, her feelings, always prioritising, emotionally manipulating, she ignores our son, so ott with our daughter, she makes comparrisons and puts me down to make herself feel better, lives viceriously through her daughter,
- she bursts out crying when you pull her up on her behaviour
- she makes comparisons and obviously favours her grandchildren
- she talks and talks and talks about herself her needs, her pain
- we were talking about us moving in to my father in laws house she says, will (our boys) be sharing a room T and D shared a room until D was pushed out by (my father in law) she sees this as a reason why she left.
-she doesn't respect boundries, pushes to get what he wants, wouldn't take no for an answer when she was told no you can't take our kids out, father in law kept pressurising us.
This is so long and complicated, I can't explain very well, but I hope someone with experience can help me by telling me you recognise this behaviour. She has rewritten the past to suit her conscience, she lies and lies, crushes everyone's feelings, minimises, dynies, goes nuts if you don't except her fersion if things. This is the issue, my husband resents having to swallow this bullshit, yet she is the one that's hurt, been wronged.
The last time she had an outburst like this was when she corned me and just talked on and on and I have heard it all before, she is guilty but rather than facing up she just emotionally manipulates you. It's all more fucking complicated, as she doesn't seem to like our son, she has given us money in the past, let us stay with her, she turned up to see our first daughter and cried and made it all about her, I had had an awful PPH and was so weak.
My husband has a big argument with his dad the other night after he had said the we are keeping our kids from her. My husband is terribly repressed, he told him how it felt to be bullied by her, that she had took away his voice, how they drank and took drugs, it made him feel scared, they argued, he cried himself to sleep and he said.... Is that it. I just can't understand how he can say that, it's so cruel.
So basically she has bullied him, his dad has enabled his mum, we are now picking on poorV the victim, withholding our children. It's still all going on only our kids are involved now.
His dad rang her (v) up the other day to say our middle boy was in hospital, his is in often poor lad, he told her and said, 'I thought I would ring and tell you as now one else was going to bother'. He feeds this victim status, to please her. My son couldn't breath, I wasn't thinking about her fucking feelings about not being informed. I wa so fucking angry with my father in law, I hate being in this situation.
My husband has emotionally abused me in the past, so it's all a it much to deal with, aim not the same person, the things he has done and said, spin around my head, making it hard for me to support him. He feels it's all in his face now we live with his dad, throwing it all back up, his dad supporting his mum to bully him us.
So if that made any sense please advise me, what can I do, for the good of my kids? Thanks x
If what you're saying is true it sounds like you need to move out and go NC or very limited contact. I'm in a stressful job but as family breadwinner I've just got to suck it up and carry on because I've got children. Sounds like your DH has made a selfish decision and he's more caught up with his past and the family he grew up in rather than the family he has fathered. Give him an ultimatum, tell him he either comes with you or stays behind. His choice.
I read it all but had pretty much made up my mind when I read that your husband walked out of his job. I don't care how "stressed" it was, with 3 kids to support that is inexcusable and beyond selfish. Taking the other factors into account I think you really need to think about biting the bullet and looking after yourself and your 3 kids because clearly nobody else gives a tuppenny fuck about them. They might say they do, but actions speak larger than words. As to why your husband, his mother and his father might be the way they are, not your priority. Your kids come first, then you.
Where are your own family? You need to get away from these people as they will only make your life more chaotic rather than helping. Your dh needs to face up to his own issues. He is a grown man now, a father and his parents will never change or listen to him. But he doesn't need to live under that now. Move on. I don't know how social housing works in the UK but can ye declare yourselves homeless to get help with a house.
The thing about teaching Heather plant is that it's impossible to do it when you are in a very bad place as there is no place to hide. Could he not have gone on sick leave?
So forget that family ever changing. They are who they are. But ye can accept that and move on leaving them to their dramatics.
You have choices here: you could investigate benefits, request housing etc.
You say you feel your H is abusive. So womens organisations could advise you too.
You need to move out, your husband is at home so why do you need to be as well. You could get a job, start setting yourself up financially and then leave. No need for both of you to be at home.
Except if OP gets a job and they later break up there could be custody issues.
You're right, your H and his family's issues are a distraction. Focus your energies where they will benefit you and your children the most, which is finding alternative accommodation and securing an income.
Somehow you need to find somewhere else to live, whether that's with or without your DH is your choice. I do think, however, that whatever you do your DH needs to move out too because I don't think living with his dad is helping him either.
Your dh made this mess and needs a time frame to get u all out! I am stressed and hate my job at times but as a parent quiting is a luxury most can't afford!! It can't be good for your kids stuck there either. Got onto the council ASAP.
Your husbands relationship with his mother sounds very similar to my husbands and he is definitely affected badly by it. he is highly emotionally abusive.
All I can say is that you can't win - against any of them. They will not see their behaviour.
All you can do is help yourself and in the short term that means getting a job and getting out. let you husband watch the children - or your parent's in law if they are so desperate. it should only be for a short while.
Focus on getting out and stop focusing on their needs, it damages you.
Mil sounds like a narcissist, your DH her scapegoat and her daughter mil's 'golden child'. It's toxic. Your DH is emotionally abusive as that's the relationship currency he is used to, this is a downward spiral for you and your children. I agree with previous poster, it was so selfish of him to leave his job, his actions have put you in this situation. You need to leave him. Please be brave
Just to clarify - I'm assuming your husband is still working as he couldn't only have earned 10K a year as a teacher, right?
I'm so sorry for your situation. Your H wasn't treated well by his mother but has turned around and become an emotional abuser himself. Your FIL sounds weird and enmeshed - spending every Sunday with his exwife, championing her cause to you?
I think you have to do whatever you can to get out of that house. Benefits, a job, something. Your mental state is not worth the convenience. You are in a no-win situation while you're beholden to this family.
Your only issue is your relationship with your dh. The rest is just a distraction. Do you have issues of your own, that have stopped you leaving him after past abuse?
Your in laws sound a nightmare but they won't change, save your breath and energy for sorting this out for you and your kids.
His family are bringing you down love.
If he is emotionally abusive I am not sure it is worth staying.
Get him to the GP for counselling and anti-depressants and decide wether you want to stay with him
The only person you can count on right now is yourself, so is something stopping you getting a job, accessing social housing and perhaps moving miles away from this toxic lot.
Would your oh consider teaching overseas? In the right school it can be a lot less stressful - well less discipline and OFSTED type stress anyway. And it would get you well away from his crazy family. But you need to be a fairly strong family unit to make a move o/seas work, so only you can know that.
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