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Sharing about DH with MiL

(13 Posts)
IAmTheBadOne Wed 03-Aug-16 09:17:44

I am so exhausted by our marriage. Contacted Relate for some counselling -DH only commented on price.. I don't think he will do it.

I feel as I need to share with family to make them realise how far it has gone/what DH has done and in case they think i am overreacting. We have two small DS so there is a lot at stake.
They know things are sometimes very bad between us but I always have been embarrassed to share details. I feel as I need to now. My parents live abroad and tbh they are not going to give me any good advice so I don't want to tell just yet.

I have very good relationship with in laws (both of them) but as they are DHs parents I feel as they will be biased.

So, looking for advice - would you share with in-laws or not?

Glitterpegs Wed 03-Aug-16 11:03:16

If you share the details, do you think they will believe you?

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Aug-16 12:08:39

I think it depends on a) how you say it and b) what he's done. So if you're just moaning that he doesn't put his underwear in the laundry basket, you're unlikely to get much more than a bit of sympathy, but if you sit them down and say you want to talk to them seriously about the way he belittles you in public (for example) then you'll get a more helpful response.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 03-Aug-16 14:35:15

I also think it depends on what he does.
I'm assuming he is abusive.
Is it verbal, emotional, physical, financial?
If any of these is the case then you should get out and get out fast.
Are you in the UK?
If it is an abusive relationship then please do contact Womens Aid and talk to them 0808 2000 247.
If it is abusive then you should NOT, I repeat NOT have joint counselling with him.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 03-Aug-16 16:39:44

Generally, I would go with your gut in that they will be biased. That is his camp. I don't think you could expect them to side with you. I get that you are short on support so could you seek out a counselor for yourself? I don't know your circumstances but if it involves any of the abuses hellsbells mentioned you will need to recover from it. While you are still immersed in it the best you can do is merely survive, imho.

Who cares if they think you are overreacting? They are not the ones in the 24/7/365 relationship. You do not need any endorsement or outside validation to make your decision somehow certified to implement. It would actually be none of their business.

IAmTheBadOne Wed 03-Aug-16 18:57:00

Thank you all, I was not aware that I should not do joint counselling if abuse is involved

Yes - he is abusive mainly verbally (but only when he is provoked ie hears what he does not want to hear) and been financially for years (this is main problem in our marriage) On few occasions physically. When I say this to him he laughs it off..

I snapped on Sat night, there were so many negative thoughts going through my head (and I had few drinks) that I hit him in his face out of nothing.. I am so ashamed of this and I was truly sorry that this happened, but it made me realise how deep the issues are and if I don't deal with it now, I will turn into the person I don't want to be

Heirhelp Wed 03-Aug-16 21:30:40

Does your counsellor know he is abusive? Btw no hearing what he wants to hear is not provocation it the abuse that follows is a away to control you.

IAmTheBadOne Wed 03-Aug-16 23:14:56

Heirhelp - did not have a session yet, so did not tell about abuse to anyone yet

Hellsbells - yes in the UK

AndTheBand - thank you for strong words, needed this

I think they would believe me. They know his character and what he can be capable of. They probably will think - how stupid of her to allow for this to happen..

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 04-Aug-16 00:15:04

No, you are not stupid.
Circumstances develop around anyone and everyone. They may actually think you'd be stupid to stay! But their thoughts are just sport and really irrelevant.

Atenco Thu 04-Aug-16 05:01:50

DO NOT TALK TO YOUR IN-LAWS ABOUT THIS!

Look at your small children, how would you feel if one of their partners came to you talking badly about them? Don't ask your in-laws to be piggy in the middle. My ex was abusive but I never said anything about it to his family as we are still friends 30 years later and they have always been a great support for me and my daughter.

APlaceOnTheCouch Thu 04-Aug-16 05:10:14

He is abusive and you have hit him. Do not go to your ILs for support. You will end up telling them that you hit him and that could be used against you.
Get support from individual counselling.

IAmTheBadOne Thu 04-Aug-16 08:53:04

He said this morning he wants to work on this (again). Also he had this brilliant idea of me taking a redundancy (which I can) and spend a year at home (he says it is my money and I can just live of that, and walk into a job when I decide I want one) - making sure that children are settling well and pressure declines in our life. I am worried that however lovely the perspective is, it would even go to detriment to our marriage and he will feel no motivation to improve his own behaviour - and then I am stuck as SAHM with no support, no childcare help, no close friends nearby (all my best friends live c.40mins away, in city where I work)

I am so confused with what do for the best - but I go with your advice to do individual counselling - thank you

hellsbellsmelons Thu 04-Aug-16 08:57:29

Do NOT give up your job.
This is all part of the abuse.
So you are reliant on him in the future.
If he is financially abusive you will NOT get to just live off of your redundancy and you know it.
Keep your job.
Keep your independence.
Do not be reliant on an abusive man, now or in the future.
Do you have any family around you could confide in?
Definitely get outside support - call Womens Aid when it is safe to do so.
They can help you understand what is going on and what your next steps should be.

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