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feel utterly let down

(6 Posts)
emmyr84 Tue 02-Aug-16 23:40:45

So, I've posted before about my mil and the issues we've had with her. Ranging from her being a control freak during my pregnancy and causing me to have panic attacks, to taking dd out of my arms in hospital (one of my main fears during pregnancy), to bullying me to get her own way. And the whole time dh has been totally useless. Never once standing up to her and even resorting to guilt tripping me to letting his mum hold dd for as long as she wanted. There was quite a long thread on it that I started before I even gave birth.

I feel so much resentment towards him that I'm actually struggling to move on from this. The time when I needed him the most, when I was at risk of developing pnd, he couldn't even bring himself to put my needs above the selfish wants of his mother.

I've limited contact with his mum to only being there once or twice a month (still too much for my liking) as it got that bad that on a visit there not long after having dd I refused to go back and stayed with my cousin because of his guilt tripping ("oh I'd take dd downstairs, but mum would hold her and that would piss you off" or "I don't want to upset you, but could my mum have a cuddle?" both of these were on days where I'd barely had time with dd, only to feed her). And when we're there now I ignore her hints to take dd from me and only offer her for cuddles when I'm ready.

Bil phoned on monday when we were there and offered us a 3 wheel pushchair that he had been offered through work. Mil showed it to me while she was still on the phone and I there and then said that we didn't like 3 wheelers because to me they don't feel sturdy. But she still decided to take it "in case" we decided to leave our perfectly good pushchair (that I love) at home, to give us more room in the car - which will never happen. And again dh is trying to appease her and has said that it can't hurt us trying it out.

Why, just for once, can't he put my needs and my wishes first against his mum. Why, do I feel so much resentment towards him even months later that he didn't step up when I needed him to?

If he isn't going to stand up for you then your going to have to do it yourself. Please don't take 20 years of crap like I did before you find your voice. Be strong for your child, limit contact, stand your ground and gain some control back. He should be standing up for you, he isn't and that's rubbish, but you need to protect your self respect. I have found after a lot of soul searching that if my husband doesn't have the balls to call his mother out for practically bullying me as a 17 year old, then fuck it, I will take her on and she really will loose. Good luck, congrats on your baby, please stay strong you will get yourself through this.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Wed 03-Aug-16 08:48:01

You both sound as bad as each other. You don't want her near the child and refuse gifts and expect your DH to stand by and let you hurt her.

She may be overbearing but it doesn't sound malicious, it sounds like she wants to be involved with her grandchild and is being blocked at every attempt.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Aug-16 10:03:36

Dragons

There is a backstory to all this and OPs partner's mother has sought to undermine OP at each and every turn whilst her man has said nothing. This is not a case of his mother and OP both being as bad as one another, absolutely not.

emmy,

re your comment:-

"Why, just for once, can't he put my needs and my wishes first against his mum. Why, do I feel so much resentment towards him even months later that he didn't step up when I needed him to?"

Years of innate conditioning as well from his mother are very hard if not almost impossible to undo. On one level he may well regard her behaviour as normal. Infact he does and his dad is probably the self same as his son. He does not want to upset her either and has gone along with this out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

My previous counsel to you still stands:-

"Your man is very much more afraid of his mother far more than he is afraid of you and still actively seeks her approval. His own inertia stopped him from saying anything and that simply hurts him as well as you. His latest behaviour re this pushchair is yet another continuation of not wanting to upset his mother (because he does not want to be on the receiving end of her histrionics)". He grew up with all her dysfunction and regards this as normal. Like many adult children of such dysfunctional parents he still actively seeks his parents approval (approval she in particular will never give him).

If he cannot and continues not to say anything to upset the apple cart then you need to do so for your child's sake as well as your own. You also need firm, higher and consistently applied boundaries. His parents will emotionally harm your child in not too dissimilar ways in how your partner has been emotionally harmed as well.

You do not have to spend time with people who behave badly and undermine you both as parents, your partner needs to be reminded that he is being undermined in his authority as well when his mother wants her own way. Family are not binding. If the current levels of contact with her are still too much for you then lower this further.

Missgraeme Wed 03-Aug-16 10:06:26

Take the pushchair and sell it. Tell mil u did - as like u told her u didn't need /want it. Show her u are taking control of her attempts to control u. Buy something u want the baby to have!!

emmyr84 Wed 03-Aug-16 12:10:55

Dragons, she isn't being blocked at every attempt. She's been utterly vile to me. Announcing my gestational diabetes to our table at a family wedding. Trying to persuade dh to buy another pram (while I was at the till arranging delivery of the one we'd chosen). Taking my baby from my arms in hospital, despite me telling her to wait a minute and later telling me she had seen the look on my face but still done it anyway. To taking my dd into her workplace, knowing I suffered from anxiety, that we couldn't follow and causing a near full blown panic attack. Amongst several other incidents. And through all of this my dh has been useless. Forgive me for not wanting to give her the control that she obviously wants!

Attila, I think it was you who suggested I buy a particular book. I've downloaded it today and will be getting stuck into it once dd goes to sleep tonight.

I really am contemplating lowering contact even further because it really is getting ridiculous and dh has proven time and time again that he isn't fussed about me or my feelings. She's even resorted to dropping hints about starting weaning (I think so she can take dd out on her own). Though I'm in no rush to do so as dd is thriving on bf and the current guidelines are not to start weaning until 6 months if possible.

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