What if you really don't respect your partner?

[DuvetToMyself]

DH is weak and lies a lot. Sometimes small lies about what he's done that day, sometimes bigger lies about how he meant to ring so-and-so but forgot/he definitely put something in the post/he has made every effort to do X. Occasionally, it is something pretty big and ends up embarrassing us, or getting us into some sort of trouble. Frequently with financial implication.

When he's caught out it is even worse. He never owns it - someone/something/his depression/stress made him do it. And, I'm so scary, obviously he lied to me. See, it's my fault. (Or if I point out he was like this before we met, it's his parents fault.) It's horrible to watch. He wriggles like a weasel.

I like DH. He is fun to be around and generally great with our DC. We can get excited about stuff together and enjoy watching films or the tv. We cook together and like to stay in. We talk about how cute the DC are and funny stuff they do.

But I don't respect him. My family were pretty upright - honesty and behaving honourably were really important. My DH's word means nothing. He has no spine.

Most days he says he's going to do stuff of varying significance - often he doesn't do it. Doesn't matter if it really means something to me, or even if it is a little thing for the DC.

What happens next? How does this work out?

[DuvetToMyself]

Anyone?

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I had this, but it was among many other issues. He doesn't admit there's a problem, so limited options really. Stay, and live with it, or go, basically. I think if he wanted to address it he would be willing to go for counselling.

[Peonylass]

Personally I think this will only keep getting worse.

[FreeFromHarm]

Walter mitty type lies or lies that could possibly be seen as larging up his ego ?

[DuvetToMyself]

Thanks for replies.

The lies are fantastic lies - they don't big him up. They just lie about a form he has filled in, or how he forgot he was meant to do X, or how busy he's been during the day - when he's just been on Twitter.

The problem is that I often end up having to fix things. E.g. A bill doesn't get paid. He swears he'll deal with it. The bill gets bigger. Our creditor starts to get cross. He tells me he's asked the bank to move funds. I tell the creditor some of the funds will be there in 3 working days and can we have a meeting bout the rest. The creditor waits 10 days the. Emails us both saying where are the interim funds. DH swears that he emailed but says the account manager is on holiday. I ask him to promise he did email. Today, turns out he did email, but got the money transferred to himself and it was spent that day.

[DuvetToMyself]

Sorry are **not fantastic lies

[FreeFromHarm]

ermmm, he transferred to himself and spent it ?... does he gamble per chance ? how long has he been like this ?

[Mabelface]

My husband was exactly like this. It killed our marriage. I couldn't live with it any longer, it wore me down over time and I became someone I didn't recognise. Now we're separated, I can be his friend, but I'll never, ever get back with him as I'd never be able to trust him again. I was with him for nearly 20 years.

[LadyB49]

Lies = can't trust him.
If there's no trust, what is there ??

[DuvetToMyself]

No, doesn't gamble but can't organise his finances and is really head in the sand. So he should have got some transferred to himself and some to the creditor but just sort of didn't fancy paying the bill.

It awful because I know people professionally and he is so unreliable and often hears me making arrangements that he then undermines. He lies to me a lot, though he thinks I don't know how much.

Often it is just pretending to have not heard something, or saying I didn't tell him. I'll say: do you promise you will take the car to get the hubcap fixed? yes, he promises. next week? Yes, promise. Two months later nothing. He'll tell me he rang the garage but they couldn't fit him in - it will be a lie.

[mannose]

he needs to put things in place to stop himself doing this, as it is impacting on you so much, is he willing to do this?

[FreeFromHarm]

It will not get any better I am afraid to say, the lies will get bigger and worse, from personal experience, no trust, no respect, no marriage, sorry to say

[Just5minswithDacre]

I have experience of being married to a compulsive liar.

Eventually I realised he was basically a 12 year old in a large boy.

Silly lies, lies to avoid 'getting in trouble' for other things, to cover up flirting with other women, to cover up financial stupidity, to cover up having not listened, to cover up other lies. He's not good at other adult stuff either, like first aid, paying bills or emergencies.

Is that the kind of thing you mean?

[Just5minswithDacre]

Large body.

fucking autocorrect

[LadyB49]

Op---- ok, sometimes you have a laugh together etc. But what happens if you are poorly, ill, need help and support? You sound like a carer, and who looks after the carer if need be.

I'm speaking from the experience of being responsible for everything.

[DuvetToMyself]

Yes, that's the kind of thing. It is very immature.

He can do emergencies OK, but like a teenager he doesn't understand why you put things away when you finish using them. A meal is over when you finish eating, not when the table is clear and the dishwasher on, etc. He doesn't make the bed. He's 41 and he doesn't see why you would make the bed. Unsurprisingly, our DC also don't make the bed.

[DuvetToMyself]

He will look after me - he'd give me a lift it the docs, he'd collect me from work, he would bring me tea. And he'd be nice about it.

[Just5minswithDacre]

I don't see how anyone could stick with a man like that for too long TBH. It's just so, so wearing and tiring.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

In my case I actually started 'filtering out' the smaller lies, for the sake of sanity. He didn't get any better, over 20 yrs, and although it was only part of a bigger picture he is now my XH. Lying like this, IMO, is a form of gaslighting. You do not know the person you are married to, as they have this lie-barrier that stops you. It wears you down.

[rollonthesummer]

He sounds lazy and selfish!

[WombOfOnesOwn]

My first husband was like this. I got out, we're still friends but could never live with a man like this. The police were called to our house because he couldn't be bothered to pay a traffic ticket in 12 months...and we had plenty of money to pay it!

[blowmybarnacles]

Its man-child territory. My DP will give me lifts and make me cups of tea. But he can't deal with the kids without shouting, fucks up work projects all the time, if he does something wrong, its never his fault. I do all the looking after. I am exhausted. I can't see a way out. .

Do you still fancy him and have sex?

[ToastedOrFresh]

I had a boyfriend once like this. Now exboyfriend long ago. I loved him but could not respect him and that's one of the reasons I ended it. It took some courage as we had been together a few years.

The little lies he told to always present himself as the victim got wearing. Looking back I really cringe at the way he took me in. I don't know if he envied me somehow and was quietly undermining me.

IIRC other people always commented on him having an innocent face and remarking if he fell in the river/a barrel of shit he would come up smelling of roses.

One of the biggest Billy Bullshit stories he came up with was telling me after the fact that he was in so much debt he felt like 'topping himself' i.e. suicide. He told his tale of woe to his better off aunt and uncle and they loaned him the money he needed to pay off what was owed.

It dawned on me ages after the fact that it was a whole cock and bull story. I suspect he had just taken out a loan and didn't want to get nagged by me or have anyone else comment on him getting a loan just for spends.

He would make a big deal out of being ill and I'd call the doctor even though we were both single and at his parents house.

His dad likened him to a particular neurotic soap opera character ! I thought that was a bit mean. Knowing what I know now (thanks Fb) I realise what he meant. Also, thanks to Fb, he sometimes uses that as an attention seeking platform.

Lucky escape, much ?

[SusieQwhereareyou]

My ex was a liar (drinking problem) and very much a man child. I had zero sexual attraction for him as a result.

[DuvetToMyself]

Thanks for all your replies.

In response to the question about whether he was willing to change - he has been having counselling for two years since he lied about something (repeatedly) and nearly cost our income. The counselling doesn't seem to have address his general spinelessness. In two years, I'd say he was a bit better at being adult but it is difficult to emphasise how low the bar was before.

And, yes, it is feels like being married to an addict. He will say or do anything to avoid doing things - big or tiny - that he can't be arsed to do. I have been filtering out the small lies for a long time.