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What the hell do I do now?

(24 Posts)
Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 18:15:52

Marriage is shit. Been together 10 years, married 5 with 3 DC.

History of emotional abuse, quite severe, and we separated about 3 years ago. He then went above and beyond to sort himself out - anger management classes, healthy minds, gave up drugs, changed his phone number to get away from dealers, ditched all his friends. You name it, he did. With the help of social services too.

I made him work for it and after 18 months he moved back in. All was great, he tried bloody hard and still does now. But it's me, I don't love him anymore. And I'm making both of our lives hell. Anything he does is not good enough for me (I obviously don't say this, I just moan about it). I bring up the past a lot, and rightfully so he gets annoyed.

Right now he is stomping round the house annoyed with me because yet again I'm not being nice. But I can't, I don't like him anymore. I just can't let go of the past and forgive him. Every now and then he'll do something little and it brings it all back.

He's very selfish, that part of him has never changed and it's all about him. That makes me so angry.

He's also not a family man at all, never comes on days out with us. We had a big family gathering at the weekend, a nice day out with all my family. An hour before he decided he wasn't coming. I went mental. DD had ASD and I had to deal with the aftermath. But then I was also secretly happy as he makes days out hell when he does come... miserable and moaning about when we can go home. It's not just with my family, he doesn't socialise with his own either. When I do, I love my inlaws and see them more than my own family. We go there 3/4 times a week just because I want to. DH stays at home.

So what now? I feel trapped. Don't feel like I can leave him, we were the couple odds were supposed to defy (completely different cultures and very unusual for our mix of relationship to work). But it doesn't work, quite clearly. I feel bad, he really has made an effort to change. I just don't love him. I try, but I squirm even when he touches me sad.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 18:18:08

Actually he's still very passive aggressive, he always have been and I think that's just part of his personality. It drives me insane, he drives me insane.

tribpot Tue 02-Aug-16 18:24:47

You're entitled not to want to continue the marriage, even if he has (apparently) fulfilled the conditions you set down when you separated previously. I don't think he really has anyway - isn't his sulking, spoiling days out and unpredictability just another form of EA? He may think because he's not getting (vocally) angry that he's changed but it sounds like the same old same old to me.

Your reasons for leaving him don't really make sense - your life isn't a movie of the week. You don't have to defy the odds if the relationship isn't nurturing you. No doubt he will make out you 'can't' end it because he did everything you asked - well, (a) I don't think he has and (b) it turns out it wasn't enough and/or came too late. That's how it goes. You couldn't possibly have known at the point where you let him come back how you would feel in 18 months' time. All any of us ever make is a commitment to try.

Does it really matter who is driving who insane? The fact is you aren't compatible and I'm sure you and your household would be calmer if he were elsewhere.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 18:50:14

What do you mean by my reasons for leaving him don't make sense? My reasons would be I don't love him anymore, I don't even like him! I was just venting in the bottom paragraph, just saying what was going around in my head without any real meaning.

You're absolutely right of course, whilst there's no anger, no smashing things up, no real abuse I think a subconscious low level might still be there.

It took me 2 years of hell to get him out last time, in the end the police removed him. And whilst it would never get to that again, he will do as you say and he won't go quietly.

I'm so much happier on my own, I love it when he's out the house and at work. It shouldn't be like that should it?

Missgraeme Tue 02-Aug-16 19:02:04

He needed to change for himself. And for your child. Not just for your marriage. Sounds like resentment has drowned the love u once had for him. Speak to his parents and gain support at this time.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 02-Aug-16 19:05:53

I'm so much happier on my own, I love it when he's out the house and at work. It shouldn't be like that should it?

No it should not be like that. You and he need to be apart now. Its not working and perhaps the marriage should have already ended particularly when and after you separated three years ago. He treated you so badly long enough and now he's "tried" to change its all too little and far too late. Its of no surprise that you do not love him any more.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, just what are they currently learning from the two of you?. Is this really the model you want them to learn?. You cannot afford to teach your children that a loveless marriage is for them their "norm" as well.

tribpot Tue 02-Aug-16 19:07:03

Sorry - my bad. I meant your reasons for not leaving him don't make sense. You said Don't feel like I can leave him, we were the couple odds were supposed to defy - which isn't logical. You can't leave him because the odds were that you would leave him. I understand why you don't want to fulfil the dire predictions of the 'told you so'ers but presumably the odds you were trying to defy did not include the fact of one partner being an emotionally abusive, selfish prick as a variable.

I think what he's doing now is real abuse. It may not be as overt and dangerous as before (when he was smashing things up?) but its effect is profound, particularly on your DD, for whom the unpredictability must be very difficult?

You could talk his behaviour over with Women's Aid, but it certainly sounds abusive to me.

I would start making an exit plan. Could you move out of the house to avoid the need to try and remove him?

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 19:17:19

Yes I know, and seeing it written down has just confirmed it all. I do need to end it. Just how I don't know.

Resentment is exactly how I feel.

He's actually being really nasty now, he is still abusive. He's done an angry tidy of the house, 'is this up to your standard'. Telling me he's being proactive and how I should now be happy with him because he's 'done all this for me'. I can't even describe his mood, he thinks he's doing stuff to help me, but the way he's doing it is in a way to make me feel guilty. I'm not sure why, I can't explain it.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 19:21:25

That makes sense now grin.

Reading it back just screams abuse doesn't it. God this is awful. I don't feel in danger or even scared of him. I've spoken to woman's aid before, they were really helpful but I don't know if I'd speak to them again.

I feel in control, and like I have the upper hand in a weird way. That probably doesn't make much sense confused. I wouldn't move, he would have to. He knows I can't uproot the kids. He also knows how much he has to lose, he completely crumbled when he left last time. So I don't know why he's doing this again now. Maybe because he's just a prick!

Dozer Tue 02-Aug-16 19:21:48

You can just end it and don't owe him or anyone any more time or justification. EA or not, addict or not, you have decided to end it and that's fine.

If he was/is serious about improving his lifestyle, behaviour and relationships he can still do so and be a good co parent to your DC.

Dozer Tue 02-Aug-16 19:22:18

Have you looked into the Freedom Programme? Might be good for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 02-Aug-16 19:22:51

Womens Aid can and will help you here; their number is 0808 2000 247. You also need to seek legal advice re your situation as well.

What he is doing is all part of his emotional abuse; its all about wanting to have power and control over the other person, in this case you.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 19:30:58

I was offered the Freedom Programme before, I had an appointment with a counsellor and never heard back!

I think legal advice is the way forward, I'll try and claim my free half hour somewhere and see what my options are.

I've got some serious thinking and planning to do.

GoldenOrb Tue 02-Aug-16 19:50:52

I could have written a lot of your post. I stopped loving my husband about 4 years ago. We almost split 2 years ago but I agreed to give it another go. Like you, I couldn't get over all the past hurt, resentment and anger. We are separating this week.

It took a long time to figure out I was worth more than he was offering. I'd rather be single than stuck in a marriage with someone I can barely stand the sight of. I don't believe that is a good environment for my children to grow up in, as much as I don't want them to have divorced parents, I also can't let my marriage be the model they see as what a relationship is like.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 20:18:44

I feel exactly the same Golden, I'd rather be single than put up with this shit.

We've just had a massive blow out. I told him I didn't love him and now he's sat there writing every single thing down in a notebook that I said 'as evidence'.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 20:19:47

He's asking me questions interview style and writing it down hmm. What a knob.

tribpot Tue 02-Aug-16 21:05:08

He is a fruit loop. I hope you're declining to answer his questions on advice of counsel - he doesn't need to know that in this case counsel is MN.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 21:10:44

grin I asked him what job I was being interviewed for grin. Didn't go down well.

Seriously though, I've told him I want to end it and he needs to make plans to move out. He just cried and cried and apologised. I laughed blush. Tomorrow I will sit down with him when he gets back from work and make sure he knows I didn't say these things in the heat of the moment and that I actually mean it.

tribpot Tue 02-Aug-16 21:17:19

Did he cry and cry and apologise and then whip out his Inspector Morse notebook to interview you under caution? Or the other way around?

Desmondo2016 Tue 02-Aug-16 21:22:17

Sorry but that is quite amusing. And you were so unimpressed by his tactics you continued posting on MN throughout your interview! Good luck tomorrow... dint get sucked in to debates (or interviews!).. sounds like your mind is pretty firmly made up

Shizzlestix Tue 02-Aug-16 21:28:07

Don't engage with his questioning. Just go no comment, OP. Seriously. Don't give him any ammunition.

smilingeyes11 Tue 02-Aug-16 21:51:29

Freedom programme can be done online btw

I don't think he stopped abusing, he just went underground with it and did it in an insidious way tbh.

Are you safe, do you need to speak to the police?

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 21:58:32

grin These are making me laugh.

He even whipped out his magnifying glass shock.

He just text me from downstairs saying how much of a prick he is, I could only agree. I'm pretty certain he's undiagnosed ASD, his brother is diagnosed and so is our daughter. Absolutely no excuse but gives some explanation as to why he avoids social situations like the plague and why he misjudges situations so much. I honestly can't say anything in jest without him taking it literally. It's exhausting.

I think my mind has been made up for a long time which is why I just switched off and stopped caring. It's just being brave enough to see it through now. I know it's the right thing to do and I know I'm more than capable of being on my own, it's just taking that leap.

Pou Tue 02-Aug-16 22:03:10

smiling I'm 100% safe, honestly. I've never felt scared of him in the time he has been back, he wouldn't do anything stupid. He really wouldn't. He's shitting it at the moment, in full on remose mode. I'm wise to it all though and I've got my head screwed on. Thank you though.

I didn't realise that about the freedom programme being done online, I'll look into it.

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