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First anniversary since he had ea

(13 Posts)
Amythest001 Tue 02-Aug-16 16:23:14

Very long story and I did get so much support from MN back then, have forgotten my login details from then so started again.
In a nutshell Last year I caught my husband messaging another woman he met at a wedding after seriously letting me down by going alone...
I am still struggling with what I saw (photos from her and his response) and read between them, not to mention him spending the evening choosing having fun with her over his family when we needed him a lot that night.
I have had lots of occasions when I thought we were over, he was remorseful, he has completely changed is fully dedicated to me and the kids and would literally do anything for us.
I still keep my guard and he knows I haven't forgiven him.
Anyway the point of my thread is this..it's our anniversary in Saturday and I have no inclination to 'celebrate' it or even acknowledge it in anyway..its dragged all those horrible feelings back to when I found out and where I told him he had clearly not taken our vows seriously and that our marriage is now just a legal document.(maybe I over reacted but I was so hurt)
I think he thinks this year it will be a really special one because we are working through things and trying so hard to start a new chapter.
I don't even want to buy him a card at the moment.
Am I being harsh?? Or OTT?Or do I have the right to say this year at least I don't want to do anything??
I would appreciate hearing how others dealt with their anniversaries after a betrayal.

Desmondo2016 Tue 02-Aug-16 16:26:27

It doesnt sound like your issues are onky around how to celebrate your anniversary. Id be completely putting the anniversary to the back of my mind and having some frank discussions about the relationship

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 02-Aug-16 16:37:48

Your marriage is clearly over. You can't move on if you can't forgive him. And the fact that you have no inclination to do anything - even maybe acknowledge it as a starting point - speaks volumes.

You cannot move on as a couple if you are still so obviously resentful and angry at him. Your post shows no love or commitment or willingness to move on together as a couple.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this is the impression I get from your post. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry, upset, guarded etc. But if you're going to try to make a go of it you have to be at least willing to forgive and move on.

Amythest001 Tue 02-Aug-16 16:42:18

I haven't forgiven him at the moment as it was all such a shock and only a few months ago..maybe I should have posted 'yet'
But thank you for your replies, it has made me a colder person I admit, maybe I'm trying to protect myself I don't know-I do love him and he is to an outsider the perfect husband but it took him being so stupid and nearly losing us to make him that way!
I think I'll spend Saturday in my own and have a serious chat with myself!x

SusieQwhereareyou Tue 02-Aug-16 16:49:58

Different circumstances (husband had drinking problem) but after a major incident, I simply stopped celebrating our anniversary. It would have felt like a sham. It didn't feel like we had come through a difficult time together. I just felt cold and resentful. We are now seperated and I wish I had done it closer to when it happened - it was a couple of years later and he thought we had moved on

Missgraeme Tue 02-Aug-16 16:58:58

If u don't want to celebrate and make new memories with your dh is it really worth continuing with your marriage? Try and have a talk before the day and agree to make that day a lot ditch attempt to start afresh. If it gets to another memorable day /date and there is no improvement then maybe that's the time to accept it's over.

Amythest001 Tue 02-Aug-16 17:02:30

Sorry this happened to you...l hope you are happy now flowers

Amythest001 Tue 02-Aug-16 17:05:48

Yes missgraeme you are right I do need to talk to him, I hate feeling resentful and I don't want to keep thinking of it all.
We have had some really happy times this year and he couldn't do more to reassure me and support me.
I just wish that one piece of sadness I still have over it all would disappear.
I think deep down I possibly think that if I say 'I forgive you' it feels like I'm saying what you did is ok..which is totally ridiculous I know and I need to get out of that mindset.

ravenmum Tue 02-Aug-16 17:10:11

I think he thinks this year it will be a really special one because we are working through things and trying so hard to start a new chapter.
Great if he really is trying, but he doesn't get a pat on the head for being a great guy if the only reason he is trying so hard is that he was such an arse before.

Of course you're not over it and he shouldn't expect you to be - do you really think he reckons that now he's putting in a bit of effort you should be instantly happy, grateful and forgetful? It isn't your understandable bitterness making you think he feels that way? If that really is how he feels then you do need a realistic chat about the subject. You don't have to throw back his attempts to make things better in his face, just point out that you're still in a precarious situation and the anniversary will be about reflection this year, not celebration.

My ex anniversary is on Monday - will be "celebrating" by doing something challenging and sociable that I wouldn't have been doing in a million years if we were still together.

Amythest001 Tue 02-Aug-16 17:20:13

The part about reflection is Perfectly put ravenmum...I will bring the conversation up and say that. Thank you x

SandyY2K Tue 02-Aug-16 17:31:02

do I have the right to say this year at least I don't want to do anything??

Yes you do.

It takes years to recover from an affair and he should be glad you're still there ATM.

Take your time to recover.

SandyY2K Tue 02-Aug-16 17:38:54

I recommend a site that you may find helpful. There's actually a "Reconciliation' thread as well.

Many there have walked your shoes unfortunately.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Amythest001 Tue 02-Aug-16 17:40:25

Thank you Sandy I will have a look at them X

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