Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Things get even weirder - now feel quite worried(76 Posts)
Hopefully that link worked...
So it all kicked off again the last few days. DD and DS started a bit of an agument - she asked him politely not to do something that was triggering her anxiety. he said no. She asked him to just stop for a short while and he again refused and began to accuse her of not taking responsibility for her problems.
At this point DH and I intervened - but H took it as a chance to tell DD she was failing in her communication, that she needs to recognise the impact she has on the family. DS agreed and then H asked me to say how I felt. Then turned to me as if to say "come on...back me up here - that's how you prove you are a proper co-parent". Essentially it became a chance for everyone to have a go at dd. She disintegrated into shouting and crying and shaking. She couldn't understand how she was such a bad person. This went on for at least 30min with dh doing almost all the talking.
Some of what was said was fair - but it was 3 against one and it felt like bullying. I was silent most of the time - until H began telling her to end the conversation and asking her if she would like us to stop and talk about it another time. She said she didn't know and genuinely had o idea what was happening to her. it was awful.
I just bundled her into another room and got her away from it. I was then told off by H as he didn't think it was helpful - but my ds backed me up and pointed out to him that dd needed calming down and I was the person who could do it.
Since then - dd stayed in her room for 36 hours. refused to eat and only this morning has emerged for a drink and snack.
I have told H it is over. That I can't expose our dd to this any longer. he says I am wrong but that I should do whatever I want.
I feel i let her down. I was scared to voice what I was seeing and the injustice and tried to get her to see the good points we were making. I didn't realise until much later that the whole thing was engineered to be a chance to bully her.
Now for the weird bits. Today he sent all of us (the kids too) a link to a you tube video of some Indian guru talking about how important it is to feel sure of yourself and not to let outside stuff affect your behaviour etc. just some waffle to be honest.
He said in his email to all of us that he is so happy to have finally gotten to this point in his life and how it has been a long journey - but he is so happy and excited for the future.
DD asked if he had become a buddhist or something. She and I are incredulous.
He also asked me to read a section of a book this morning which essentially told me I am an over protective mother.
My head is in a whirl. I honestly don't know what to think. he bombards us with psychobabble and it is almost starting to feel pyschopathic. (I don't know if that is the right word - sorry). But it feels wrong and abusive and now he is happy to share his insights with the kids as well as me.
The fact is that I am leaving. but before then, we go on holiday which cannot be rearranged. I just need to get through that.
I have decided to take out a loan to cover the initial costs of a rental then just see what can be done after that to sell the house. But getting myself and DD (and ds if he wants) away from this damaging environment has to be the priority.
DH wants me to think about the fact that DS will see this as me taking DD away and leaving him behind. He wants me to take the time to sort it out properly, but i feel like I can't live here a moment longer. it is a toxic environment. Will I destroy my son (17) for life if i just leave and give him the option of coming or staying...the longer I leave this the higher the chance H will talk me round or make me think I should stay for the kids.
My head is mush...
your 'dh' sounds a complete knob tbh, bullying, controlling, talking to you like a child, you are better than that and you need to be out of it for your dc s sakes.
Do you all still live together? I'd say you have grounds for divorce re emotionally abusive behaviour from your H and he should move out, not you. I'm a bit appalled that you let him rant on for 30 minutes at your DD. How old is she?
You don't have to go on the holiday, you know, just because it's booked.
I'd refuse (I have done exactly that in the past), let your DS and DD decide if they want to go, and then use the time away from your H to plan your escape.
No way to going on holiday with this dickhead!!
You need to take your son aside, & tell him that you cannot live with a bully, & your DD needs to be removed from the toxic environment. You love him & reassure him, & that you hope he will want to live with you too, but you concede that at his age he can choose. or go between you both.
No need for him to have to definitively choose one or the other.
ds sounds a bit like the knob in respect that he told his sister to take responsibility for her problems, does he often speak like that ? how old are the dc ? one poster was being a little unfair in saying they were appalled that you did not speak up for you dd, but if you are in a bullying/controlling relationship it is easy to be made to feel that the controller is always right and that you are somehow wrong or stupid for voicing an opinion to the contrary.
Mix - thank you. DS has seen some pretty poor behaviour from his dad and been on the sticky end of it too. Including highly controlling behaviour surrounding bed times, computer use, homework etc. but he seems to have forgotten it all now. he gets on really well with his dad and maybe he thinks dad is now treating me with the same respect he is receiving. I keep much of it to myself.
I think ds will understand - but H is using him as ammunition right now.
I am just terrified of the backlash - because it will come. I have no family in this country for support and just one good friend. I am literally on my own and feel like I have a mountain to climb.
get some legal advice sooner rather than later, yes shite may well hit the fan but you cannot live your life like this and it is certainly not fair on your dcs.
Mrs fuzzy - no ds is a lovely boy who was just frustrated at teh whole situation. Him and his sister have had a poor relationship for months and I put it all down to the fact that dd has decided not to be a part of the family, because that means interacting with her dad. She avoids H and therefore avoids ds too. He feels sad about that and voiced it as frustration. He is never usually confrontational.But I think he blames her, rather than understanding why she is doing it.
H has invited DD out for a swim this afternoon - honestly he really doesn't get it does he? This isn't about spending more time together or communicating more. it is about her need for him to apologise to her for his behaviour. But he sees absolutely no fault in himself.
He says he sees himself as the scapegoat in the family - always to blame. Actually I think DD has that role and of course, he has to make it all about him.
It all sounds very bizarre, I'm not sure if it's your style of writing but even the family argument reads like an extract from a yoga retreat/work meeting. Anyway, sack the holiday, speak to your son and leave with your daughter.
He's definitely not a Buddhist.....
DH should leave the house, not you and the kids. It might be easier for DS to decide to stay with you as well if you're not physically leaving the house and everything he is used to. Without DH there, I think the relationship between DS and DD might improve.
If DH is so into these videos and books, suggest to him that he needs to go "find himself" and maybe leaving the house would be as beneficial to him as you all. And then start divorce proceedings.
Do not go on this holiday!! Use the time to deal with the legalities of splitting/selling up whatever you need to separate physically!
Just go. He seems to be so far into this psychobabble stuff that he is up his own arse, yet he refuses to recognise that the main issue is his control freakery. He also seems to be influencing you into believing at least some of it, and you need to get away so that you can see things clearly. Above all, when he sends you links to websites and books, ignore them. You can only explain things to your son and suggest he thinks things through for himself too, free from his father's influence.
Don't go on the holiday, you protect your DD. You've already shown that you can't do that in the current situation, by the appalling carrying on you describe in your OP, wherein you allowed this wanker to humiliate your DD. This can only escalate.
Move out ASAP or your husband will use either or both the children to manipulate you and the situation.
Are you in the UK? Can you get a rental sooner?
I would be talking in terms on taking both your DS and your DD with you when you leave, wait for your DS to object to leaving rather than give him a choice?
Your H will turn your DS against you if left behind, he will switch his controlling ways to him.
Your DD's anxieties will improve away from her father.
Where is the holiday to that you have booked? Can you leave your H behind? go with the DC's? I wouldn't want to travel as a family in your current circumstances.
WildHeart above has a good idea - he fucks off, you stay. Maybe he can use the holiday alone to "find himself" whilst you get a solicitor. But again, I think we need to know if you are subject to UK law before we all wade in with advice.
Tell your DS you absolutely want him to come. Tell him you love him. He will know he is welcome and make sure if he wants to stay in his current home, he can change his mind at any time. Message him daily to tell him you love him and ask how he's doing.
Take your DD out of there asap.
Your H is playing divide and conquer.
He is also headfucking with your dd - bullying and abusive one day and offering to hang out with her and do fun stuff on another day.
He's messing with your ds as well - he's got him where he wants him. Arguing with his sister and taking his father's side. Perfect.
He's also headfucking with you too. You doubt yourself again and again, even though you know this man is an abuser.
He's good, I'll give him that.
Don't go on holiday with him. It will only get worse for you and your children.
Good luck OP.
Yes, I am in the UK - but I am not a UK citizen. I do however have leave to remain. So can work and get benefits. I do work and earn around 25,000 but we do have debts which take up a portion of my income. I am sure I can afford to live alone, but it is the deposit and fees that is stopping me. I find it impossible to save.
yes, it sounds like a yoga retreat or therapy session because this is the language he uses constantly. there is no normal conversation - it is all about how we should co-parent, the importance of good communication and how we cannot see out=r own behaviour due to our childhood. I am not saying that this isn't good stuff - but in the hands of someone with control issues it is gold dust!
It would be ideal to get him out of the house - but I just don't know how. he could live with his Mum. I could couch it as being for just a couple of weeks and then refuse to let him return...at least that would give me some clear space to think.
The thing is that I want and need this holiday. I am self employed and only have one week off a year...I can't lose that money either. I think we are capable of being halfway normal while away.
Take your kids on holiday, tell DH to go fuck himself.
He is a bully , youre kids come first tell him to jog on , youve seen him for what he is and he doesnt like it
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.