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First Date

(12 Posts)
aladinsane Tue 02-Aug-16 10:48:03

I was played by yet another narcissist. i had some doubts about his character, he is great on the surface but seemed quite conflicted and i was permanently confused: he was very credible, very loving and passionate then completely cold and politically all over the place! fortunately I met a few of his ex conquests all in one go and heard the same story over again which helped me to disconnect from him.
I am left feeling a little hurt and bruised but nothing too serious as he never let me get close enough for it to have a deep impact. in fact I'm relieved as now I'm not wondering what's going on in his head (nothing) and I am not pining and hoping he'll realise he's in love with me!

Anyway...I don't want to be single forever and neither do i want a purely sexual relationship which is what the robot eventually offered (I call him the 'void')
so...a friend has set me up with one of her single friends. we are meeting up this week and have exchanged some messages which have been mainly a lot of silliness interspersed with some sharing info about our lives, all very lighthearted.
I am nervous as all hell about our date. i do not know what to wear nor how to be. we are just going to a new place in town which is a specialist alcohol establishment
i am crap at picking men and keep on choosing people who are not genuine and who are fundamentally dishonest and damaged.
of course this harks back to my upbringing by two mentally ill and emotionally distant parents. this is why my friend has decided to pick a man for me. a few friends have also suggested setting me up with their friends. most of my friends are younger than me so they are tending to be men who are two or three years younger and without any of the 'baggage' i have. ifeel middle aged and unattractive will likely be menstruating and feeling weak and lazy...
what do i do? how do i be?
i want to just be myself but my nervous self is shy and stuck for words.
the 'void' was the first time i'd dated in years. It was non stop ;laughter and amazing sex, we talked about everything and it just 'seemed' amazing, I have no idea if that is normal or if it was faked now by him. I'm scared. and rambling.
thank you

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Tue 02-Aug-16 13:30:59

Not all people who don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated are 'narcissists'. It's a horrendously overused word on here.

Stop dating, you're clearly not ready for it and your post creates the image of someone ricocheting from one disastrous situation to another; filled with unfounded hope, anxiety and vulnerability - promising everything and delivering nothing.

You say, "I want to just be myself". I wonder if you even know who 'myself' is.

aladinsane Tue 02-Aug-16 18:45:56

Aw bless you hope thanks for your lovely, compassionate and helpful reply about my first date dilemma.

I cant help feeling though that you are reading slightly between the lines.
I have had a total of 5 relationships in ten years. One of those was a marriage, two were brief flings, leaving two medium term relationships, both with men who very clearly fit the profile of narcissist.

Despite being rubbish at picking men, the relationships all ended because of my strong self awareness and knowledge that I would not put up with whatever behaviour they were expecting me to to tolerate.
i have seen many, many women tolerate far, far worse men than the ones I have known and some have thought that I have too high expectations. I know that i have reasonable expectations and am very confident in this knowledge, I'm just not great at acknowledging the very early warning sings, or more truthfully I notice the signs but sometimes choose to ignore them for various reasons, maybe sexual attraction has a lot to answer for, I'm also a sucker for intelligent men who make me laugh.
Once it's clear when relationships are dead ends I extricate myself, sometimes it is sad like now, other times it is pure relief.
I do not think that this is ricocheting, neither do I think that I should stop dating as a consequence.
I want to 'be myself' on the date, not in my life, where I am very grounded and have a very very clear sense of self.
Even the most self assured person might be allowed a few first date wobbles, especially in light of having recently been hoodwinked by a very charismatic charmer who played twisty mindgames with not only me but several other women.

aladinsane Tue 02-Aug-16 21:54:43

Is anybody else able to help? don't worry , i'm sure it'll be fine, just a little confidence wobble, no spring chicken anymore, dating was much easier as a young thing!

Cabrinha Tue 02-Aug-16 22:23:39


If you're middle aged and these men are 2-3 years younger, they're the same age.

2-3 years is only a proper difference between about 9 and 12!

So stop worrying about that, for a start.

What do you wear?
Whatever the fuck you want to!
Seriously... You'll shine best when you're comfortable in your own skin.
But if you're unsure of the usual dress in this bar - just go over one night on your own and stick your head in and do a recce!

Bear in mind that nervous/shy is OK on a first date! It's fine to say in advance - bloody hell I'm nervous! I might come over more shy than I am. Having forewarned, you'll hopefully be less worried about coming across that way. If it's going well you'll loosen up. If you don't loosen up - probably not the man for you!

I'm flummoxed by the menstruation though. You spend a quarter of your days handling menstruation. You are a menstruation pro grin Stick on your white jeans and a pair of roller blades and go enjoy the date.

aladinsane Tue 02-Aug-16 22:36:59

Haha Cabrinha thank you. white jeans and roller blades is much more the type of advice I was hoping for ;)
Thank you, i am a natural worrier when faced by new situations, as a young pup I'd have drunk myself stupid for a first date then spent months dealing with the inevitable fallout. i don't have much dating experience as a more mature woman, especially not the 'blind date' variety.
i don't have any white jeans but now that autumn seems to be upon us I'm sure i can pick some up in the sales :D
i am more nervous because i know he has quite a higher grade more professional job than me and I also know through the smalltown grapevine that his ex was super 'hot'.
The menstruation is a sore point for me, i'm in perimenopause and it happens frequently, often without warning and heavily. it knocks me for six. i can feel it coming on at the mo and am already clumsy and skittish!

FarsleyLass Tue 02-Aug-16 22:59:44

Dont worry about higher grades etc my hubby has degree, i left school at 16. We are still together after 20 years. It is the person that counts not the academic qualifications. She was super hot and he ended up without her.

You are right to be nervous but if he has anything feelings he too will be nervous. My advice is, go for it and enjoy yourself what ever state you are in.

Cabrinha Tue 02-Aug-16 23:04:06

I'll let you into a secret.
I am super hot.
And yet, I have been dumped.
Really true.
It happens 😂

LellyMcKelly Tue 02-Aug-16 23:46:02

I've done the narcissist thing. It panned out pretty much the way yours did. It was a great learning experience - at least I knew what I didn't want. The proclamations of love, the endless gifts, the drama, the silent treatments...they were exhausting. When I finally got up the courage to date again I though f*ck it. I'm going out for a good night, to enjoy myself, and to have a laugh. If he likes you then great; if not, You've only lost an evening. Get the roller skates on, tighten that bandana, and go and have some FUN. (I'm still with my 'fun night out' a year later).

aladinsane Wed 03-Aug-16 11:15:38

Thanks FarsleyLass just being silly listening to my inner critic, take a hike inner critic!! lovely story, good for you x

aladinsane Wed 03-Aug-16 11:16:44

Cabrinha just goes to show doesn't it?
People can be fickle and there's nothing you can do to hold on to someone if they don't want to be held on to! And i bet you are super hot! Switswooooo!

aladinsane Wed 03-Aug-16 11:21:55

LellyMcKelly what a pain in the arse isn't it?! lovebombing then a dearth then back on fire then a void then....push me pull you, complete waste of time despite the amazing and intense sexual activity! I did try and just see it as amazing sex but the emotional distance in between meetups was too headfucky! So glad I woke up. bizarrely saw him yesterday, never ever bump into him but as soon as i cut the ties there he is! luckily he was driving, I was walking, we waved at each other then passed. I was a bit tongue tied for a minute with my kids but it soon untied....

So...a bandana you say????? Crikey mikey, white jeans, roller skates and a bandana?! needn't have bothhered dyeing my greys had i known they'd be hidden all night...
I spose I better ice the cake with a midriff bearing top? (muffin bearing) he won't know what's hit him!

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