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Should I give up on my best friend

(18 Posts)
littlemisseatsherfeelings Mon 01-Aug-16 21:12:11

I need some advice please.
My best friend of 8 1/2 years has basically given up on our friendship.

It's been deteriorating since she started a relationship 3 1/2 years ago, it was the stereo typical abandon her friends, only hang out with his, take on all his hobbies, abandon her own etc etc. They fought a lot and she struggled to bond with his gang in the beginning but I (stupidly?) encouraged her to keep trying with them as I knew how much she liked this guy... I just didn't think she'd go so far as to never come back to our friendship group.

Anyway they broke up 6 months ago and I have been as supportive as I can, her life has 'fallen apart' (not my words) in other ways too, homeless and living with parents now, some other problems too. I've offered her my place to stay a while, msg regularly to check in on her etc.

I honestly can't summarise 3 years of hurt in this one post without getting to a point where people will stop reading but I am trying to summarise being heartbroken. I worry about it everyday. We were incredibly close and she was my bridesmaid and I think our relationship peaked then. She disappeared for the first year of my sons life (born 2014) and I have never felt so abandoned as I did then.

What should I do now that she seems completely unable to maintain a relationship with me. She doesn't want to spend time together, her replies are delayed and flat. I know she's going through a lot but I also see/hear her socialising a lot with others. Should I be more patient still? How long do you give a relationship before you walk away?

For the last 3 years I have felt like when you're dating someone but they don't have the balls to tell you they're not interested anymore and hope you just leave them alone.

camelfinger Mon 01-Aug-16 21:17:29

Is there a chance she is jealous of your life?
It does sound like a lot of hard work for you trying to maintain this friendship. Would it be worth asking her about this, as it seems like you have nothing to lose here.

newworldnow Mon 01-Aug-16 21:31:10

but don't you see she's your friend not your partner she's allowed to do these things and its up to you how you respond. you are way over invested. make new friends.

MephistoMarley Mon 01-Aug-16 21:41:38

Let it go! Seriously, it's O. V. E. R.

littlemisseatsherfeelings Mon 01-Aug-16 21:45:41

Of course I know she's allowed to do these things blushthey are her choices, whether they make her happy or not. I was just trying to describe the background to our friendship deteriorating. Didn't realise it came across that way.

I didn't say before but I have talked to her about this 3-4 times in the past year. It only improves for a week or two (the communication and taking an interest in staying in touch) and she always seems sure of wanting to be friends.

I think I am over invested. Hence the question as to whether I should walk away.. Or just back away?

I have tried making (and do have) other friends but not as close as we used to be, and this was a closer friendship than the others

I think maybe

littlemisseatsherfeelings Mon 01-Aug-16 21:47:24

Mephistomarley - maybe the brutal response I need to read

littlemisseatsherfeelings Mon 01-Aug-16 21:51:08

Woah I feel pathetic reading things back. I'm not very coherent in describing things at the best of times confusedsad

Norwolf Mon 01-Aug-16 21:52:24

I reckon you should go with your instincts. Sometimes relationships do run their course and there is nothing you can do about it sadly.

MephistoMarley Mon 01-Aug-16 21:52:38

I've recently lost a longstanding friend for reasons I don't fully understand. I do get it. But for your own dignity and self esteem you have to move on. She couldn't be making it any clearer. She isn't interested in being in your life.

littlemisseatsherfeelings Mon 01-Aug-16 21:57:26

Guess I was embarrassed to accept that. As well as genuinely unsure whether I was being impatient.

Shizzlestix Mon 01-Aug-16 21:59:47

I honestly feel your pain, OP. I have friends with whom I was once very close due to seeing them daily at our hobby. When I moved, it was like I'd never known them. Seeing them together on Facebook with other friends who didn't share the same place for the hobby was very hurtful. Ultimately, I go out if they invite me, I invited them out recently and they all came. I just realise I'm very busy, they're very busy, they have lots going on, new DC, new boyfriends, we've moved on.

I think, in your position, I would leave the ball in her court. You don't need to tell her this, just do the easy thing, like her posts/pics on Facebook, but don't chase and don't persistently demand, she may feel like you're harassing her (or not, God knows, but stop running after her) She's a grownup and will get in touch if she's bothered.

littlemisseatsherfeelings Mon 01-Aug-16 22:03:24

Thanks shizzlestix I've been trying that approach most recently, just leaving her be. Will just see what happens now and not be pro active. May fizzle and die and that will be it.

I know what you're saying makes a lot of sense. I'm aware she thinks that I'm just a mum now and have no time for anything else so maybe she chose to move back because our lives don't correlate anymore.

TheNaze73 Mon 01-Aug-16 22:49:08

It's run its course OP. Let it go

littlemisseatsherfeelings Mon 01-Aug-16 23:14:50

sadthat msg is coming through loud and clear. I'm glad I asked the

Margo3791 Tue 02-Aug-16 14:17:19

Sometimes friendship runs its course. It's really hard to accept it and let go, but it happens to many - if not most - people throughout their lives. Women, myself included, tend to invest a lot emotionally in friendships, so when the emotional investment is not reciprocal, it really hurts.

I've noticed that my DH's friendships are looser in that sense. They don't invest so much emotionally so they're easier to keep in that sense.

Take a step back, OP. Don't put an end to it but just let it be. She might be in a situation where she can't give much, and you've done a lot of giving so far. Just hold back a bit for the time being and accept that you might have to downgrade the friendship for your own emotional well being. It's hard to be in one way relationship, whether friendship, partner or parents. Just let it be and try to make new and more nurturing friendships.

ProfYaffle Tue 02-Aug-16 14:22:19

Agree with pp, just let it go.

I've had similar recently. Friendship of 20 years, haven't seen them in a year (a year which has been very tough for my family and they know about) they refused to meet up with me this year. It's upsetting but not as bad as clinging to someone who clearly doesn't want to know. Onward and upward.

Stevefromstevenage Tue 02-Aug-16 16:21:33

Women, myself included, tend to invest a lot emotionally in friendships, so when the emotional investment is not reciprocal, it really hurts.

^ yes this, we are socially conditioned to really care what people think about us so we can feel really rejected when friendships become less balanced.

My advice to you is to stop making any effort. Let her do all the running and work. Of she picks up the ball she how you feel about rekindling the friendship but completely change your expectations.

littlemisseatsherfeelings Tue 02-Aug-16 22:11:42

Thanks for the advice today, have only just had some time to check back in. All good advice. I'm definitely doing the stepping away now and see what happens. If it's over it's over and that will become apparent very quickly.

I will try to be less emotional about it all if she does make an effort, aim to be much less attached.

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