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Risk of co-dependency

(4 Posts)
Celynfour Mon 01-Aug-16 17:05:12

Some general advice. This is very long...
Divorced for four years. Three children. Ex-h walked out unexpectedly . Alcoholic. Had had an affair - now married to her- but he has still never admitted it.
Was def co-dependant. I tried hard , unknowingly, for years to fix things for him and control his drinking.he did well for a few years. Once I detached the marriage collapsed . I was deeply unhappy and we were a poor match. He has been vile to me, he has a very distorted idea of events and blames everyone around for everything. He lives in Canada now.
So - long history- sorry.
I hid from world for years, focused on children and re- establishing career, selling and moving house. Really back on feet.
Met up with old dear friend around Christmas. In a bad place, divorcing, let career go. Completely got things back on track. We've been huge support for each other and around three months ago this became more than friends. He'd always liked me he says. I adore him and love his company. He def has issues with alcohol but I know because he's told me . I've told him I can't help him with that.
But - and big but- I'm very anxious when he goes away. Endlessly worry about everything and him.
Not sure what I'm asking. How do I identify previous patterns of my own behaviour- I can see a few traits that I start to recognise as mine. How do I identify a decent relationship. How do I stop worrying!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 01-Aug-16 17:17:28

You are still very much co-dependent and have swapped one poor example of a man for simply another poor example of same, this man also has alcohol issues. Did you grow up yourself in such a household where one or other parent drank heavily?.

If you are in the UK I would suggest you have a read of this website and attend their meetings if possible www.coda-uk.org/. I would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie. Someone (most likely one of your parents) taught you to be co-dependent and you need to break that cycle.

Love your own self for a change and end this current relationship with your former dear friend (he is really no friend of yours) because its also unhealthy and dysfunctional. You are a crutch for each other and use each other like that accordingly. He is in no place either to embark upon another relationship (apart from him having alcohol issues he is still in the process of divorcing his current wife probably for those very reasons) and neither are you. You both have issues that need addressing separately and not at all together; your own ongoing issues with co-dependency are still causing you to make bad choices in men. You are perhaps still confusing love with co-dependency.

Dozer Mon 01-Aug-16 17:18:59

Suggest steering clear of men with alcohol problems.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 01-Aug-16 17:20:37

Womens Aid's Freedom Programme could also help you with regards to your previous abusive relationship.

You need to unlearn all the damaging crap you have learnt about relationships along the way and CODA as well as WA above could help you with that difficult process.

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