Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
resenting my sister and how to stop(10 Posts)
Sorry this may be long..
Need some perspective and a kick really to try and help with my resentment towards my sister.
I love her to pieces and we used to be best friends and have so much fun together but within the last couple of years things have changed and I find that I dread spending time with her and find myself resenting her.
A bit of background…. She’s older than me and has 3 kids, because of this the whole family revolved around her and her schedule, which you would expect to a certain degree, family lunches, time spent together, even if going out for the evening, she would dictate the pub we would go to. She met a horrible man, and they ended up getting married, he was an abusive arsehole, everyone told her not to marry him but she did, he tried her appallingly, she did leave him for a while but kept going back. Now I understand how hard it is to leave an abusive marriage, particularly with young children and I would spend hours every evening talking with her and listening to her when she talked about him, after about 5 years of this I admitted I started to get frustrated with her, which I know was not helpful but there is only so much you can talk about the same thing and give the same advice etc. anyway she did eventually leave him which was fab, I was so proud of her, he carried on being an arse, so then it was still hours of phone calls, where she would list what he was doing, I gave her advice to go to the police re harassment, block his number, emails only etc. which she did but kept unblocking his number, he calmed down a bit, and he got a new girlfriend (she was dating someone herself), who she phoned and started telling her all the things he’d done etc. of course it all kicked off again. I told her to stay out of it but she won’t. they’ve split but still in this weird co dependant relationship, they can’t quite leave each other alone.
She started drinking during all this, which I understand why as a way to feel better, at least temporarily, but she is now drinking at least a bottle of wine a night, she phones me and we have conversations which she won’t remember in the morning and tell me again. She is not interested in my life at all, I recently had my first dc, I couldn’t say anything without her outdoing me, ie. I would say how tired I was, she would reply well I was worse as had two young kids and useless husband. I found the first few weeks of motherhood really difficult, dc would scream for hours and was (and still is) a terrible sleeper, I would try to talk to her and she would be obviously bored or outdo me with how hard her life is.
Fast-forward to now, I can’t do anything with her without her trying to turn it into a drinking session, which I have no interest in, she won’t ever come to my house as it means that she has to drive and can’t drink, so if we see each other I have to go to her.
She makes me feel like crap a lot, she has baby sat my dc twice since he was born (now 3) and she goes on and on about it, I used to babysit all the time for her, which stopped when her third was born as her husband wouldn’t let me in the house, but she has rewritten history to where I never helped her, I used to take annual leave when she was ill to take her little ones to school and pick them up etc. none of this is ever remembered.
I feel that everything is about her and her life and she if not interested with me unless I am willing to have a drink. She hates me talking about my DH, if I do mention anything I am lucky cause her ex would do xyz, if I mention my dc she has it worse because of xyz.
I am sick of it but I feel guilty as she has been through so much and I miss the person she used to be. I don’t know where to go from here, I love her but I resent her. Sorry it’s so long.
I personally would take a massive step back out of her life. The life she has is of her own making and choice. I would start cutting the phone calls short - say the kids /dh need u for something. Just keep to family occasions and be polite. U need to invest your energy into your own dh and kids now. To save people they need to want to be saved. And she doesn't.
I have sort of stopped the evening calls, generally after about 8 I won't answer her phone calls as she is usually quite tipsy by then, and won't remember the conversation.
I feel guilty though as we did use to have such a good friendship, but I suppose I am trying to have a relationship that no longer exists between us.
I'm in a similar situation to you with my DSis, whose had lots of awful health problems. I have always been there for her, driving her to appointments, dropping everything to go to her aid, I could go on but I won't. Anyway to cut a very long story short she developed a strong sense of entitlement which my parents went along with and I struggled to, i did for my parents sake but now after over 12 years I've said enough and stepped back. It was hard to do and I did feel guilty but it was the best thing I did.
I just feel guilty cause she's been through so much but she won't accept she's got a drinking problem and she doesn't really want advice when she asks for it as she just ignores it, so I end up frustrated. She's also unreliable and frankly quite selfish.
You have done your duty by her. It can be a renewable resource, but sometimes not...as in your circumstance. Your sister has punched out your card completely and that's it-it just isn't renewable anymore.
Guilt. You make yourself feel this...you can make yourself not feel it just as well. You have done nothing wrong. You do not owe her anything. Just make an executive decision to stop feeling guilty. It has been proven time and again that your advice is ignored/dismissed. There is nothing more that you can do. You can have empathy for her without it turning into guilt. You'd rather not drink? That is your decision-do you feel guilty about that? No, and you shouldn't. You need a boundary based on her behavior; a response to her behavior. No guilt there either.
I have had to go full no contact with one of my sisters so I know how difficult it is to get your head around this.
Personally, (and I too have a sister) if I knew my sister was drinking to excess with my niece and nephews in the house, I would be reporting her to SS to get
the kick up the arse help she obviously needs. I would keep the lines of communication open but only for the sake of my niece and nephews.
she's a good mum, they have fresh dinner prepared, she helps with homework, takes them out and they always go to school etc. she drinks in the evening when they're in bed. I won't report her to SS, as I don't think its necessary.
But surely they must be aware of her drinking? What if there was a medical emergency, could she deal with that appropriately? You know her best.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.