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Has anyone had a successful relationship without the approval of family and friends?

(12 Posts)
CauseImFreeFalling Mon 01-Aug-16 09:01:13

I've been seeing this man for 4 months, he's different but a good different; outgoing, funny and confident.

My family are opinionated and always have been, they sulk when they don't get their own way and make life a misery if you don't do as they say.

I am happy with him but they don't think that he's good enough (they have thought this about all my previous partners) and make it difficult to talk about him without eye rolling or huffing because they disapprove.

I want to be with him, I feel like a better person around him and I feel confident about myself which is so rare for me. Could this work without their approval or does it always take the approval of friends and family for relationships to work?

Thundercake Mon 01-Aug-16 09:11:09

Sounds like they wouldn't approve no matter who he was. Has he done something to make them wary? You know your family, if nothing is ever good enough then it won't matter what he does. Was it Bob Marley who said "you can please some people sometimes, but you can't please all the people all the time". Please yourself and enjoy your new relationship.

ayeokthen Mon 01-Aug-16 09:19:01

My mum was very scathing when I met DP (she was angry I'd left abusive XH as "marriage is for life") and she got my whole family on side, thinking I'd just got a man because I didn't want to be on my own (I'd been single for 4 years!). Long story short, I told them time will tell and that it was none of their business. 5 years and two babies later we're ridiculously happy and everyone has come round and apologised for their initial attitudes. Only you know how you feel, if he's for you then go for it, irrespective of what other people say.

happypoobum Mon 01-Aug-16 09:43:17

Your family sound bloody awful.

No way should you give up a partner who makes you feel confident and happy. I imagine it's precisely because he makes you feel confident and happy that they object.

Can't have you rocking the boat and improving your self esteem maybe?

Kr1stina Mon 01-Aug-16 09:50:08

Tell me about your friends - how well do they know him and do they like him ?

What about your colleagues ?

Can I ask how old you are ?

Joysmum Mon 01-Aug-16 09:54:09

I think as long as you examine what friends and have against him and can honestly, without rose tinted greases, dismiss their criticisms then you'll be ok. Doesn't mean it'll work out long term but worth trying to find out maybe.

The problem is when they have a point but allowances are made because you're hooked.

Lovemusic33 Mon 01-Aug-16 10:42:24

I'm in the same situation and it is really getting me down. I have been with Dp for 8 months, my step dad disliked him before he even met him and then my mum followed suit, since then they have convinced most of my family that my Dp is no good. I can't take him to see my family, have had to go to family parties without him and when i mention his name I get a whole load of abuse. It's got to the point where it's making me ill but my family think it's my dp that's making me ill hmm.

I try and keep the peace with my mum, visit them on my own but it is really hard, obviously my dp knows that they don't like him.

I think all you ( and I ) can do is to carry on as we are, prove that it will work, prove that he makes you happy, if they still can't except him then that's their loss.

My dp is quite outgoing and comes across as being confident ( he's far from it, I think it's a nervous thing and he wants to impress ), I think this is why my parents don't like him.

thestairs Mon 01-Aug-16 18:03:06

I'm Chinese. My husband he from a small country in West Africa (he Black).
My Chinese parents disapproved him due to his skin color. My mother give me TREMENDOUS pressure,
My mom force me to chose between her and my dad, or him (my husband). The day I married him was the day that my mom disown me/completely cut me off.

It hurts alot. When she is my mother--the woman who gave birth to me, bring me to this world. But belittle me, insult me, spit in my face and call me dirty. Said I'm dirty and full of shame.. In her eyes, I'm nothing but just a dirty and shameful girl.
It hurts alot you know; the woman who gave birth to me, but spit in my face.
If you ever have anyone spit in your face before, you know exactly how it feels. To me it is one of the worst thing that you can do to someone. I find that my mother spit in my face is worser damage (emotionally) than she slap me in my face. I rather have she just slap me in my face, to me that would be less painful than she spit in my face.

It hurts alot that my own mother is ashamed of me. She said she rather not gave birth to me.
It hurts alot that she my mom but called me 'Dirty'. She also called my future children dirty.. According to her words, my future children are equally 'Dirty' and shameful just like me--their mom.
She also said DO NOT ever bring those dirty grandchildren back to see her.
She make it very clear that when I'm pregnant, don't bring my dirty stomach back to see her, I'm not welcome nor is my dirty stomach.

I have zero regrets married him (the guy that my mother disapproved SOLELY due to his skin color).
He is an awesome husband. He loving and caring, and a devoted husband. He ridiculously patience, patience and patience. I make him jump through hoops for 2 years before I agree to be his girlfriend. And make him jump through hoops for another year into our committed relationship before I sleep with him.
Despite how much I test his love and patience, he still here, still love me unconditionally.
(Past or present) he treats me really really well, he loves me in every possible way that he can. I feel blessed to have him as a husband. I have zero regrets this lifetime.

And No, my husband is not a bum. My husband make $84,000 USD a year (sorry I use USD, we in USA).
He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life. The comfy life I'm living right now is he gives me. Everything I have right now is he gives me.
Thank you to him, a girl with No college degree who work a minimum wage job like me can live a stable and comfy life.
But it NOT about the money, it about his love for me. It about his devotion and persistent not giving up on our relationship.

But my mother don't care. It because he Black, that is why she disapproved him. Even till this day, my mother still haven't accept him as a son in-law, she just won't accept him at all.
It just so Unfair to him, seeing how my mother discriminate against him.
NEVER once my mother care enough to meet him. She very very unreasonable. She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person. NEVER once she care enough to met him. She said alot of hurtful words. She discriminate against him and disrespect him when she never met him before, not even once. How fair is that to him? Why so Unfair to him?

My husband knows all about my mother disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.
He knows it all. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.
He accepted everything. He accepted that this is our situation/circumstances. He face the situation and make the best out of it.

There No hate in his heart, there No resentment.. NEVER once I heard him say a word criticize my mother. NEVER once I heard him say a disrespectful word, a negative word or a bad word about my mother. NEVER once he complain a word about our situation/circumstances.
But then he never complain anyways. I Never heard him complain a word about his life, his jobs or anything life throw at him.. He said complain won't change anything. Don't run away, face the situation and make the best out of it.

He very patience, and very understanding of our situation (regarding my Chinese mother discriminate against him).
He understanding of my culture too.
All he asked me for is promise to Communicate with him, talk to him. We will face all the hardship together. My family disapproval of him, our huge cultural difference (I'm Chinese, he African).
Or whatever hardship throw at us; he believe we can make it. As long two people loves each others, two people willing to communicate with each others, willing to make the effort to work it out together.

We married, we happy. Marriage have been peaceful, sooo peaceful. Heck, we don't even fight or argue.
I know it is my husband patience and effort that hold our marriage together. Other men would probably give up a long time ago. But not him, he never give up on us. He the one that pressing for marriage, he the one that keen on get married.
I'm blessed, I need to treasure him. If my mother can't see him beyond his skin color, can't see him for his heart for who he is as a person, then that is her lost. I can't live my life keep waiting for my mother approval, I can't keep dwelling and grief over my mother. It time to let my mother go, and concentrate on my future with my husband.

Sorry for the long post Ms. OP. But I just want to share with you my situation/circumstances. You can do it Ms. OP, if you and your other half love each others, you will make it through. I wish you all the best. Good luck, be positive. The success of your relationship is up to you and your other half to maintaince.
Life is not fair, and sometimes you just have to choose. Like me, I was force to chose between my husband or my parents.

J0bchang3 Mon 01-Aug-16 21:33:32

If you needed urgent medical treatment would you refuse blood, because you would not know what the source was (gender, ethnicity, sexuality, age) ?

I realize some people would refuse due to their beliefs

The moral is that we are all the same underneath


Only you can live your own life, make your own choices and be happy

Other people may live to regret the choices that they have made

BadLad Tue 02-Aug-16 01:53:09

My father-in-law and his side of the family were openly horrified that my wife had married me (a foreigner). DW, SiL, MiL, MiL's sisters etc have nothing at all to do with him or his side of the family.

BadLad Tue 02-Aug-16 01:56:36

FiL has actually passed away, and my wife and the family went to his funeral, but his relatives still snorted at there being a foreigner in the family.

LittleOyster Tue 02-Aug-16 06:57:39

Yes, I did this, for about 7 years. It was difficult to begin with, because I loved my mum and really wanted her to approve of my partner, who I also loved. Eventually the constant complaining and harassment to leave him died down, but after that my partner never wanted to participate in family occasions. This was ok, as our home was very far away and we didn't have any dc, so it was feasible to live a joint life that was largely separate from my family. I do think it could have become very difficult if we had decided to have dc, because that would have inevitably caused clashes between my mum and my partner.

FWIW, I don't regret the decision I made to stay with my partner, as the years I had with him were some of the happiest of my life.

Good luck, OP.

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