Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So, how do we go about reconciling?

(11 Posts)
LippyLiz Sun 31-Jul-16 17:09:17

in short DH had an affair, and has been living at a friends house for a few months. We've been spending time together for last 5 weeks but that's been him visiting the home. There have been issues which I've posted about and he's been emotionally distant. Last Sunday I told him we needed a break for a while. DH showed up out of the blue Thursday to see me. Text me a lot over Friday and came to visit yesterday. I was surprised as he wanted to hold me, kiss me and he's said he wants us to be together, as a couple and family. He's sorry for everything.

I was surprised, confused and didn't know how to react, couldn't take it in.

I don't quite know what to do, I do love him but I've also got used to being on my own, so have DDs (11/13). I think we should try to work this out for all of our sakes, we used to be so good together, I just don't know where to start. I'm not too ready for him moving back in (we've not discussed it) but if I leave it much longer will it push us apart even more. Any thoughts on how I go about this?

FuckitsAndSpades Sun 31-Jul-16 17:12:41

it sounds from reading between the lines like you feel that if you don't take the chance now while he's feeling amourous towards you, you'll miss the boat and he'll move on, like you feel its now or never..

..if that's the case, don't go there. If he's worth getting back with, he'll still want to get back with you in a few months time when and will let you take it slow.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jul-16 17:18:51

I agree.

It sounds as though something's happened to make him change his behaviour. Has the OW dumped him?

Dozer Sun 31-Jul-16 17:20:40

So before this he wasn't sure if he wanted you, for many weeks?

OurBlanche Sun 31-Jul-16 17:20:57

Forget making happy families... what do you, not you-mum, you-wife, you-socially-known-as-part-of-a-unit, want?

Do you want to live married to a man who had an affair?
Will you still want to love with him in 5 - 10 years, when your DCs have left home?
Why do you think he suddenly cam on all amorous immediately after you had decided to make more distance?
Do you believe he is sorry, or just doesn't like how his life is at the moment?

You are separated, he has screwed up, you are both living with the consequences of his infidelity... what do you want to do with the rest of your life?

LippyLiz Sun 31-Jul-16 17:33:16

I found out about full affair 5 weeks ago but I found out about her initially (emotional affair) in April, it progressed afterwards. 5 weeks ago he went NC and I know it's over. He says it all changed after I told him I needed a break, I was different, like I used to be. I would've loved him to have said this a few weeks prior. He's assumed it's still want I want although I have said I'm not sure if it's not too late. I'm confused. I don't want to push him away but yet I don't want to lose him either

Pearlman Sun 31-Jul-16 17:36:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckitsAndSpades Sun 31-Jul-16 17:41:38

he wants you once you're beginning to cope alone hmm

OP if he really truely was sorry and truely wanted you back he wouldn't have left you in any doubt about that all these weeks

Dozer Sun 31-Jul-16 17:42:02

So he's implying that the affair was because you'd changed?

Charming.

MaddyHatter Sun 31-Jul-16 17:42:03

go back to square one.

Live apart, date. Do family stuff together at the weekends.

Rebuild the trust. Go to counselling.

It took 9 months for me to move back in with my H after i left him and we agreed to try again.

SandyY2K Sun 31-Jul-16 17:54:29

Perhaps individual counselling for him and then marital counselling for you both.

You can make it very clear that you want to take things very slowly and not for him to move back in just yet.

If he is remorseful, he will respect your request. You may also wish to have counselling for yourself with a clear head and without him there.

It sounds a bit like you're forcing yourself to give it a go. You could tell him that you want a seperation for a set period like 3 /6 months and then you will be able to give him a decision on it.

He shouldn't push you while your head is all over the place.

****************************************
The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now