Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should he have told me?

(81 Posts)
KeepItToYourselfPlease Sun 31-Jul-16 15:49:12

Ex has DC this weekend. Just messaged me to say he will be late dropping back today as he is in a seaside town with DC over 200 miles away.

I have no problem with him taking DC to the seaside, that's lovely, but it was a shock to get the message out of the blue that they were so far away. I'd assumed they were 20 minutes down the road.

I've messaged to say I'm not happy that he didn't let me know their plans until now. He's says I'm overreacting. I don't expect to be told their every move during his weekends but it just didn't feel right my child being so far away and I had no idea.

Am I overreacting?

MephistoMarley Sun 31-Jul-16 15:50:04

Yes, sorry

KeepItToYourselfPlease Sun 31-Jul-16 15:51:55

Ok, the arrangement we have is all new to me, so taking some time to adjust blush

TimeforaNNChange Sun 31-Jul-16 15:51:55

Either you trust him or you don't.

You have to accept that you may not always know where your DC is when you place them in the care of other people - be that grandparents, paid childcare or even their other parent.

willfuckformichilenstarfood Sun 31-Jul-16 15:52:04

Yes you are, it's none of your business and it doesn't matter how far away they are.

YabuDabbaDoo Sun 31-Jul-16 15:52:18

I can understand the feeling, but it's not reasonable, no. It is hard letting go of that exclusive knowledge of what your kids are up to when you separate, I know.

Hope they had a lovely time and have lots to tell you when they get back!

YabuDabbaDoo Sun 31-Jul-16 15:53:52

Let's be gentle with the OP here please, she's clearly adjusting.

OP if it helps, it hurt like hell to let my children even go up the road at first. Two years on I feel much more secure with it all. You will, too !

KeepItToYourselfPlease Sun 31-Jul-16 15:53:53

I do trust him.

I would expect to be told by paid childcare if DC was going to be taken somewhere other than usual setting. They would need my permission.

panegyricS1 Sun 31-Jul-16 15:54:17

I think you overreacted but i understand why.

KeepItToYourselfPlease Sun 31-Jul-16 15:56:25

Ok, ok, consider myself told.

Its hard enough my child not being with me eow, it was just a shock to find out, that's all.

ChicRock Sun 31-Jul-16 15:57:09

It's not paid chil are, it's your child's father.

Do you keep him informed of everywhere you go with your child? Maybe he'd like to veto some of the places you like to visit?

Scarydinosaurs Sun 31-Jul-16 15:57:56

Childcare is only loco parentis- he is the parent.

Would you have told him if you took them to the seaside on your weekend?

Costacoffeeplease Sun 31-Jul-16 15:58:08

It's not paid childcare though, the child is with its parent

Scarydinosaurs Sun 31-Jul-16 15:58:22

Sorry, chic brain snap!

KeepItToYourselfPlease Sun 31-Jul-16 16:00:01

Nice snarky comments. Jesus.

I was referring to the PP who suggested I might not know where DC is when with paid childcare.

I'm quite aware DC father is not paid childcare.

If I was taking DC several hours away in the car, I thinks I probably would tell him, yes .

TimeforaNNChange Sun 31-Jul-16 16:00:19

chic is right. You can only expect your ex to share all his parenting decisions with you if you do the same for him.

Some separated parents manage it - coparent through skype, texts etc so that both parents are involved in trips, activities and milestones. It's not usually possible or sustainable, though.

OurBlanche Sun 31-Jul-16 16:01:59

When he brings them back, laugh, say sorry and agree that you were overreacting, you were just taken aback!

You'll get used to it.. eventually smile

ChaChaChaCh4nges Sun 31-Jul-16 16:02:23

I think I'm a freak, and it's actually starting to worry me.

It doesn't upset me when my DCs are with STBXH, and it hasn't right from the time we separated. In fact, I relish the time apart and find I'm a much nicer parent when the DCs are with me. I also never felt the need to know exactly where the DCs are when they're with him.

Am I a bad mother?

TimeforaNNChange Sun 31-Jul-16 16:02:44

If I was taking DC several hours away in the car, I thinks I probably would tell him, yes


If thats the case then it's worth chatting to your ex about whether both of you want to remain closely involved in your DCs lives.
It's not something you would automatically expect the other parent to do, but if you are both happy to do it, then why not?

TimeforaNNChange Sun 31-Jul-16 16:04:02

chacha no, me neither. DD has spent the last 8 years living 1week with me, one with her dad.

I'm a better mum for itsmile

KeepItToYourselfPlease Sun 31-Jul-16 16:04:28

Everyone's reaction to a separation will be different. My own personal circumstances have meant that I have found these adjustments very difficult.

It doesn't make you a bad mum at all.
The jury's out on me.....

Choceeclair123 Sun 31-Jul-16 16:04:53

Yes I think he should have told you and I think it should work both ways. What's the problem? It's not exactly difficult is it? A quick phone call or message just to let you know. Keeps everyone happy.

ChicRock Sun 31-Jul-16 16:05:10

What would you have done differently today/this weekend had you known they were going to be 200 miles away?

RamsayBoltonsConscience Sun 31-Jul-16 16:06:37

It's really tough OP and I know exactly how you feel. You are being unreasonable but it's totally understandable. After a while, you will look forward to having some time to yourself but, in my experience, this is after quite a few horrible weekends when all you do is miss your child. It does get easier cakeflowers

TimeforaNNChange Sun 31-Jul-16 16:06:56

I disagree choc. - it's fine if both parents are happy with it, but if one parent feels that by having to "report" their whereabouts, or choice of activity, they are being judged, then it will never work.

My ex used to turn up at the same places as I was with DD - I soon stopped telling him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now