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Do I send a letter to his mum regarding her grandchildren?

(33 Posts)
Tiffanyfoss Sun 31-Jul-16 00:19:27

Hi
In 2014 I fell pregnant with the guy in question. It was nothing serious, just went out a few times but fizzled in to nothing. I was told at 13 it would be really hard for me to conceive due to Pcos and after 3 years of unprotected sex with ex partner and not falling pregnant, when I got pregnant with this guy although in not an ideal situation I decided to keep it even though he didn't want me too.

He wasn't happy, told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby. Well he came around in the end and saw the baby when he was a newborn. He then decided he didn't want anything to do with the baby again as he had got back with an ex and was scared she would leave him if she knew.

We met up last summer and I fell pregnant again and again I decided to continue and had a daughter in March. My daughter has a heart condition and at present is not very well.

I try to get him to see the babies but he is not interested. He is more interested in sex. He claims I chose to keep the babies so he has no responsibility and he doesn't have too see them. He has offered me money and will give me money if I needed it but I haven't taken any as I don't. He says he didn't want a child and the way we are with eachother (argue all the time) he doesn't want to be involved and if the kids want to contact him when they're teenagers then they're welcome too.

He said that his mum knows about our son only and that she encouraged him to step up (which is when he first met him) but she hasn't said anymore on it. He says he won't be telling his mum. I have her name and address and I'm just wondering if I should write her a letter and said some pictures off the kids with it. I don't expect or even want her to talk him around but I feel giving their family a chance to see them is the right thing to do for their sakes.

What do you think and what should I include in this letter?

GiddyOnZackHunt Sun 31-Jul-16 00:26:04

No letter.
Don't do it.

HeddaGarbled Sun 31-Jul-16 00:46:54

His mum knows about your first child and hasn't shown any interest so why do you want to contact her? She isn't interested, he isn't interested. Don't have sex with him again. He doesn't want a relationship with you or your children.

I would go through CMS for maintenance but that's up to you if you are managing financially without.

Tiffanyfoss Sun 31-Jul-16 00:48:59

I don't believe she does know, I think he just said she did. I don't believe he would have told her

JudyCoolibar Sun 31-Jul-16 01:02:09

Don't write to his mum, but do make him pay maintenance for his children. Even if you think you don't need it, you could put the money into savings accounts for them.

TheNaze73 Sun 31-Jul-16 12:25:50

Clearly not interested. Drop it

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 31-Jul-16 12:31:36

How do you know he did tell his mum? Does she know how to contact you?

panegyricS1 Sun 31-Jul-16 13:05:58

Stop having sex with him.

Leave his mother out of it.

Chase him for maintenance.

Tiffanyfoss Sun 31-Jul-16 13:13:36

At one point when my son was born he told me he told his mum and then at another point he told me that his mum asked too see a picture of the baby so he told her that I had made the whole thing up and there was no baby.

I just don't see why I should leave it when potentionally she may want to see them and at least they will know their grandmother. If that's not the case then at least I tried. It only has the potential to make things better or stay the same as things can't get worse from it

APlaceOnTheCouch Sun 31-Jul-16 13:15:04

No, don't send a letter. Stop having sex with him and use the CSA to formalise maintenance.

DeathStare Sun 31-Jul-16 13:32:12

You want to send the letter because you hope his mum will make him see the light and he will step up and become a loving, caring father.

That is not going to happen.

Don't write the letter. Stop contacting him. Stop having sex with him. And find some way to give up on your fantasy of him becoming a good dad.

Tiffanyfoss Sun 31-Jul-16 13:37:27

No I don't I want to send the letter to see if she wants any contact with the children. She won't make him see sense and I've given up all hope of that, the only hope I have left is hoping time will change him.

BlackVelvet1 Sun 31-Jul-16 13:43:14

I think it's a good idea. She might want to know her grandkids and doesn't know how to contact you. Keep it very simple with 1 or 2 pictures and include some contact details so the door is open.

lovelilies Sun 31-Jul-16 13:48:12

I think it's fine to send her the letter, they are her GC. The ex doesn't need to be involved at all, but it would be nice for the DC to have some more family.
I wouldn't hold out too much hope, but you never know, it might open up a whole other world with aunties uncles and cousins too I'm a bit of a fantasist

horseygeorgie1 Sun 31-Jul-16 13:49:45

My situation was almost the same as yours - I met a guy, had a brief fling then 2 years later met up for 'old times sake'. I got pregnant. I was told the same due to PCOS and actually the inability to have a child had contributed to the break up of my marriage. I didn't tell the father about my fertility issues and he knew I wasn't on birth control.
He has never wanted anything to do with my DD but he did tell his DM. She has never been in contact so I will not be contacting her.

I do now have maintenance being paid through the CMS, I didn't for years as I didn't want his money. Then I realised it wasn't anything to do with me actually, it is my DDs. I use it to pay towards school fees and the rest goes in her bank account. I don't touch any of it for anything not directly connected to her as I don't need it and don't want anything to do with him. He does have the option to see her, I would never stop him but I have said to him that he is more than welcome to have contact but it MUST be a regular arrangement, not popping along when he feels like it then disappearing for months. He then chose not to commit and doesn't want to meet her. Luckily I have a fantastic family, we are very close and she has some wonderful men to look up too.

Dozer Sun 31-Jul-16 13:50:14

Get him to pay for his DC FFS.

Tiffanyfoss Sun 31-Jul-16 14:09:24

I really don't see the point in him paying for them. The amount he would have to pay would be so small, probably like £20 a week between the two of them that I just don't see the point. He's already told me that if I want money he will use the cma calculator, ask his mum to burrow some money and pay a years worth to me as he said he doesn't want to involve cma.

He also said that if I take money off of him, it's only to "get at him" as he knows I don't need it. So he said I can do this if I like but he will never see the children and will never consider changing his mind.

Right now he says he isn't ready for a baby and we don't get along. He says it's my fault as I decided to keep them and any "normal" person would have got an abortion. He said in the future he may change his mind but right now he won't.

The biggest joke is he tells me how he is continuing to have unprotected sex with people who aren't on contraception and "not one of them have told me they're pregnant so I don't see how you got pregnant with me so easily" I told him that if he continued our situation would just repeat its self and he said it wouldn't as none of the girls would be stupid enough to keep it.

I don't think I want him in their life's when I look at it like that anyway. But it would be nice for them to have their extended family and hopefully in the future he may change but I'm not holding my breath.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 31-Jul-16 14:15:45

He is still financially responsible for his child even though he is a complete dead loss as a human being.

And what DeathStare wrote earlier also. This man is not going to change given time either.

Icecreamsundaes Sun 31-Jul-16 14:20:46

If this ever happened with my son (praying I raise him better than she did) I would want to know and be in the children's lives and have a positive relationship with you and help out if I could.

I say send it. It sounds like he hasn't told her and the kids have an entire family they deserve to know, who deserve to know of them. Just have in mind she raised that man.

PirateFairy45 Sun 31-Jul-16 14:21:30

Personally I would.

ratspeaker Sun 31-Jul-16 17:45:01

He may say he isnt ready for a baby but that is the risk he took having unprotected sex.
Saying he isnt ready for a baby doesn't mean he is not morally and legally obligated to take care of the children he has helped create, even if it is a small regular amount. A " normal" father would have done this from the moment they were born.
Personally Id go through CMS and get payment towards them, even if you just put the money in an account until its needed.
£20 a week is over £1000 a year. That could go towards you taking the kids away on holiday, shoes, school uniform, clothes, contingency fund if you need a new washing machine or dryer for their clothes.
Even if he did give you a lump sum for the year what happens next year? And all the years after that?

You've only got his word for it that he has not fathered other children.
I doubt he has let on to his mother at all about the childrens existence.

bomfunk Sun 31-Jul-16 17:50:46

Fgs take his money!! Stick it in an Isa or something!

pallasathena Sun 31-Jul-16 18:19:26

I think your children have rights to know their grandparents. I think their father, as he wants nothing to do with them, has no rights at all in this case. Why are you even considering respecting his wishes when he's opted out of all responsibility?
You need to find some inner strength to do the right thing and in this case, your child/children take number one priority over everything and everyone. They have rights, you have responsibilities and one of those responsibilities is ensuring that the extended family is able to develop nurturing relationships.
Can I also suggest that you sign up for the Freedom Programme? You appear to be suffering from really low self esteem issues and you need to address this urgently if you want to become the best mum you can be.

FayaMAMA Sun 31-Jul-16 18:52:31

I don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not, but I contacted my daughters' father's parents when I was pregnant as I thought they had the right to see their grandchildren. They too tried to pressure their son to "step up" and it pushed him further away (literally, he used to live in Europe, now it's Asia - God knows where though, the tw*t). His parents support me a lot now though, with child care and advice as well as love for my girls. Even though they have never met their dad.

I don't claim maintenance from their dad either as I don't need it. I tried to out of principle but the amount was minimal and he would go for months without being heard from so I just gave up. However, in your situation I would definitely involve CMS and just save the money for your children in the future. If I could be bothered with the hassle, that's what I would do.

FiveFullFathoms Sun 31-Jul-16 19:01:50

£20 a week is a lot of money over 18 years. It is money that is legally owed to your children. If you don't need it for day to day expenses then stick it in an ISA for your kids so they can access it when they are older. Don't you think 20 grand + between them might be something they'd find useful as adults?

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