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Please tell me the phases a couple go through during separation/divorce? I always end up feeling compassion/ longing for him.

(29 Posts)
Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:48:42

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:50:05

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:50:34

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GoatyGoatFace Sat 30-Jul-16 21:55:21

No words of advice I'm afraid but will be watching with interest...I'm in exactly the same place. I'm finding therapy helpful but am actually terrified of being in this never ending cycle forever! I need to make that final break to detach and not get sucked back in!

FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:18:38

Hi, Has the behaviour been recent ?, have you seen a marked detoriation in your relationship , is he stressed about something maybe ?

Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:20:42

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:21:47

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:24:37

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FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:29:48

Ok, forma start as you have indicated he has been like this before you cohabited...
You sound very scared, have you family close by ?, my advice is if you truly want to separate is to get some legal advice firstly, then go on from there.
Is the house in joint names ?

Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:29:57

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FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:30:41

From oops sorry 🤓

Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:31:51

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:33:35

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FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:38:10

I see, so if you have had legal advice, bit confused, what are you wanting help with , are you having doubts, it is a big decision, it was the hardest, yet easiest decision I made ! But all situations are different .

FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:41:14

My Xh cried at the drop of a hat , very fake and within minutes he would be calm, Have you been married long ?

Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:44:18

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:45:59

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:47:03

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FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:48:40

Is he abusive and violent in anyway ? Perhaps you should speak to womenaid, from what you are saying he controls you does he ? You sound like a very caring person , but it's your safety and your ds 's wellbeing is more important than his feelings if you see what I am saying ?

FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:54:04

Have you any family nearby ?, All divorces are different, I couldn't possibly say how you stbxh will behave , but if you are fearful , I would contact women aid.

Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:54:20

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Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 22:55:15

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FreeFromHarm Sat 30-Jul-16 22:58:29

Abuse is abuse, wish you well.

Jamiejamie74 Sat 30-Jul-16 23:00:18

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Canyouforgiveher Sat 30-Jul-16 23:03:42

When I'm away from him I feel peaceful

I think this is your answer. You are supposed to feel peaceful all the time. You don't need to endure a bad relationship. you don't need to put up with bullying. This is the only life you will have. There isn't a do -over. You are entitled to feel happy in your life.

Forget for a moment about your son. You seem certain that your marriage will end in divorce - sooner or later. So focus on you for a second. Surely it is better for you to get out of the marriage when you are still young enough, still have a chance of building a new life for yourself, maybe even a new relationship?

From the point of view of your son, my feelings are the longer a child sees one parent bully the other, the worse it is for them with the added danger of having very toxic relationships made to seem the norm for them.

Also, I think it would help you if you used dialectical thinking (if you google DBT you will get some information). So your husband is a great brother, son, father AND a bad husband. not BUT. It is possible for him to be all of these things at once - you don't need to choose one or the other. So from your point of view you can look at him and say "I feel sorry for him and I recognise he has many good points and I do not want to live with him anymore". This kind of thinking allows you to recognise that there are many conflicting emotions and truths - you don't have to reconcile them all. people are complex. But you DO get to say which is most important to you. Obviously that he is a bullying husband is the most important to you (and your son).

And finally, a therapist once said to me "there isn't a belief system in the world that requires you to put other people ahead of yourself". I started to argue and realised he was right. Christianity asks you to treat your neighbour AS yourself. not better. It is ok to do what is best for you.

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