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Frightened, fucked up and ready to hear it how it is

(102 Posts)
duckandcover Sat 30-Jul-16 21:00:25

I've had an affair. I was in love. I wanted OM forever and I've never been so blindsided. He apparently was not actually that arsed after all. I need to keep going somehow or other though I just want to die and I have literally no idea where to start. The story is pathetic and usual but what do I do now? How do I pull myself together into a recognisable human being?

Believeitornot Sat 30-Jul-16 21:01:08

What's happened? Has your dh found out?

Gazelda Sat 30-Jul-16 21:05:30

Are you still with your husband? Are there any children involved? Will you still need to see OM?

duckandcover Sat 30-Jul-16 21:07:10

No he hasn't. But I am so ashamed of what I am because however OM sees me (or doesn't - fairly convinced I was dumb meat) my feelings were real. How can I be such a stupid piece of gullible crap? I am intelligent and successful but I have become an idiot.

duckandcover Sat 30-Jul-16 21:09:55

I can walk away. I left a job to get away from this man. I wish I could follow some steps to get him out of my system but I see myself differently now. I am sure I could he away with it but I feel dead inside. No drip feeding, it's just a boring stupid story of falling in love and thinking it was simple. I need to rebuild myself.

Believeitornot Sat 30-Jul-16 21:12:53

Well what's done is done. You fell for someone else which indicates you were not happy in your marriage.

Your OM saw you as an easy catch - fine, well you'll have to accept that and cut off all contact. Get angry.

Look at your marriage - do you want to repair it?

Orchidflower1 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:17:03

Do you have children? Is it worth seeing s councilor and trying to repair your marriage? Are you planning on telling dh either cos u want to move on or save marriage?

Destinysdaughter Sat 30-Jul-16 21:17:23

What was missing in your marriage and your life to make you susceptible to this? If you can address and fix this you'll be in a much better place. Beating yourself up won't help. Forgive yourself but more importantly, use it as an opportunity to learn from it. I hope you get some peace as you are understandably very distressed by by it. We're all human and we all fuck up at times. What's important is how to move on and better ourselves through our mistakes.

duckandcover Sat 30-Jul-16 21:17:41

I WANT to want to repair my marriage. But I am such soiled goods now - by which I mean my heart and my love. I want to tell DH because he will decide for me and that will be easiest. Two children will be affected but do they really need a whore for a mother?

duckandcover Sat 30-Jul-16 21:20:02

I loved him. That sounds so gormless but I can offer literally nothing else. So I feel dead inside and stupid. There is nothing wrong with DH other than getting together v young and pregnant. We have really tried.

Orchidflower1 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:22:36

Your dc need their mum- no one is perfect- you made a mistake - you need to move on with it in the best way for you and your family but I feel you need to think things through before you jump in and decide. You sound understandable stressed but don't be hasty with any choice you make. You're not a bad person - you made a huge mistake and now you're sorry - try to be kinder to yourself and think things through. Thinking of you flowers

Destinysdaughter Sat 30-Jul-16 21:22:40

STOP judging yourself right now!

You are neither 'soiled goods' nor a 'whore'. Being so dramatic is indulgent and not helpful. You made a mistake. That's it.

Tell us WHY you did it? What was missing in your life that made you susceptible to this? Only clear headed, rational analysis is going to help you if you are going to learn from this.

Not wallowing

duckandcover Sat 30-Jul-16 21:28:59

I am not very analytical so I can't offer reasons as to why a sane middle-aged woman with an unusually nice DH falls in love elsewhere and why they night fall for utterly compelling bullshit. I almost don't feel the need to look into my marriage as I can see this is idiocy on only my part. But I feel colder and more sane just writing it down.

Believeitornot Sat 30-Jul-16 21:31:53

Well there must be something missing because why else would you have fallen for someone else?

I speak as someone who has a nice enough dh. But I think on reflection I settled down too early and was immature. Now I'v grown up and feel like i could have been with someone who was more suited to me. I had serious doubts before we got married but persuaded myself it could be fine.

I regret that now but we've got DCs and I don't regret them. So I've made my bed and will lie on it.

So just wondering if you were looking for something more.

Destinysdaughter Sat 30-Jul-16 21:33:41

I was also wondering if you got married young, maybe you missed out on other experiences and that's what turned your head...?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:35:18

You reap what you sew and the pain you are going through now is the price you pay for what you did.

It would absolutely be the wrong time to confess all to your husband right now because that's just about relieving yourself of your guilt. Think very carefully before you throw a grenade into the lives of those who love you most.

Your heartache will pass.

Once you have given yourself time to heal a little - if you still feel like your marriage is dead then do the correct thing and end it.

EssexMummy1234 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:47:30

unusual language OP...

Idrinkandiknowstuff Sat 30-Jul-16 21:48:33

right, you're not going to like this, but...

Bollox to the PP who said you made a mistake. An affair that has gone so far as to believe it's love is not a mistake. It's a deliberate deception.

Do you want your husband, or not? If you do, confess, beg forgiveness and work your arse off to make things right. If you don't, leave

Shit or get off the pot.

Is this helpful, maybe not. But having been on the receiving end of an affair I can tell you, it is without a doubt the worst thing you can legally do to another human being.

Stop the pity party, youve shit all over your family. Did they deserve that?

damepeanutbutter Sat 30-Jul-16 21:50:32

Your heartache will pass

^ ^ ^ THIS

Not sure when your affair ended, but you will get over it, but you need to give yourself time.

Marriages move, they ebb and flow, they grow and they shrink. How you feel now will not be how you feel in a year's time. Give yourself a shake and see if you can find that deep love you once held for your DH. Do you really need to hurt your DH by telling him about your affair and risk the pain you will cause to him, your DCs, to you, to both sets of grandparents? Give yourself a month, or two months. Let your emotions settle. Perhaps go and see a relationship counsellor on your own.

But don't do anything whilst you are feeling like this; you are feeling bereaved and it will pass.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sat 30-Jul-16 21:53:49


My thoughts exactly. So many threads zapped today with a prolific PBP at large.

gildedcage Sat 30-Jul-16 21:54:37

I think rather than there being something specifically wrong with your marriage there was an element of being up happy with yourself. This OM made you feel good, I'm sure, while it lasted, but now you're back looking at you.

You're feeling very sorry for yourself, and thats fair enough. But when the pity party's over rather than really looking at what's necessarily wrong in your marriage you should look at your feelings about yourself. You may be happier alone, but you may find your marriage a happier place when you acknowledge feelings about yourself, why you started the affair and your reaction to it ending.

Missgraeme Sat 30-Jul-16 21:55:02

Maybe for once u wanted to be selfish and have a bit of world that was just for u?U tried it and it made u realise what was at stake at home. Make more time for couples stuff with dh and forgive yourself. Sounds like u have shocked yourself back to reality in time to save your marriage.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Sat 30-Jul-16 21:58:13

You are not soiled goods. Yes you did something terrible but please don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm in the don't do anything right now camp.

You are in grief for the old relationship and won't be thinking straight right now. It will pass and you will slowly start to feel better.

gildedcage Sat 30-Jul-16 21:58:38

There's a lot of acceptance that you've made a mistake, and you're only human.

I wonder if a man would have had the same response

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