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Solutions to 10 yrs of negotiations

(62 Posts)
newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 18:32:47

My financial divorce settlement has never been sorted .
Mediation was halted due to my ex not providing disclosure and telling the truth.

10 yrs later: I've been in the marital home paying all the bills, kids, sch fees, house maintaince . Everything , my ex pays nothing to me at all. I'm feeling trapped!!

House prices have since increased by £300k in this time ( house valued this wk) and my ex says he wants 50% . Even though it seems a fortune it is relative to the
Location in the country . My children are in the final years of high sch and relocating is not an option .

I run a business from home , my client base is 5 Mile radius and need the floor space to carry on my business , as smaller house would reduce my income by 50 % .

There is no pension pots . My ex has had all the savings, endowments ( owns a second property , which he rcvd a small rental income from which is 200 miles away )

I cannot get a mortgage as I'm self employed and my net income is low.

My new partner of 5 yrs is willing to sell his house to by out my ex but my ex is will not accept that as s solution .

I'm going to start a 2nd lot of mediation on my own, and frightened the whole thing is going to financially get out of hand and cost £££££
Please help-
Has anyone experience settlement or have any further solutions ??

Fomalhaut Sat 30-Jul-16 18:42:07

You need good legal advice, not mediation. He's been obstructive before , he'll be obstructive again.
Shit hot lawyer and forensic accountant.

LadyLapsang Sat 30-Jul-16 18:48:25

I'm surprised you can pay everything including more than one lot of school fees on what you say is a low income. Maybe he thinks your lifestyle does not equate with what you tell him is your income.

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Jul-16 18:52:54

Have you paid the mortgage all this time?

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:11:55

I've paid all the bills and mortgage .
10yrs ago I got solicitor involved who write letters for settlement. Soliciter said to take to court would cost min 10% of house equity, he's had similar advice his side.
We both have been advised to settle in mediation .

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:13:31

Re My income: running my own business I'm able to write off lots of legitimate costs which keeps the net profit low.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:17:07

I also have help from my elderly father who wants to help with % of sch fees, uniforms and my dad pays for holidays . I have all the bills to back up where any addition support comes from.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:19:39

I have also suggested to my ex that my partner buys my him % out.
My ex said he wants house sold. !

LadyLapsang Sat 30-Jul-16 19:23:35

Well if he won't settle in mediation it sounds like you just need to get a good lawyer and take the financial pain - doesn't seem to be another option to get it sorted out.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:26:52

confusedconfusedconfusedthat's exactly what I'm frighten off . I might just have to take it on the chin .

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:29:27

Obstructive is a hopeful word - sometimes you can't think on how to describe the behaviour .
Imo -I'm dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder

Froginapan Sat 30-Jul-16 19:34:05

The only way to deal with a narc is to not play his game.

Mediation is likely to be hopeless.

You'd be better off taking it on the chin and lawyering up - so long as you're in this situation his narc supply is being fed and he won't want to let go of it.

Wolpertinger Sat 30-Jul-16 19:38:05

Don't mediate. Or mediate to show you've tried but expect to go to court. The lawyer has to advise you to mediate as costs likely to be cheaper and most people aren't dealing with a narc.

You are. The only way to win this game is not to play it. Go through motions of mediation pull out instead of getting bogged down again, get SHL who understands narcs, go to court and end it.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:41:23

Only recently starred to understand what NRC is , as a friend has loads of thread on FB

- if I play his game of feeding negotiations and attention he's getting off on it???? confused

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:43:26

dad asked him recently how much will it cost for him to FO!! He changes the goal post every week, sets his own dead lines which he never meets and twists everything I say.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 30-Jul-16 19:43:33

I'd threaten that if he doesn't settle you will be making claims on his house and all the savings and endowments he took from your marriage.

You are still married, therefore it would be classed as marital assets as much as a house he hasn't paid the mortgage on for years.

I would suddenly present as keen to go to court, as if you have to spend the 10 per cent of equity anyway, you may as well claim against his assets, and emphasise he will have to disclose all his current assets to you.

Hopefully if he realises that taking 50 per cent of your house in court could lead to him having to give you a claim on assets he regards as his own, he will be willing to engage in mediation.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:45:23

Coffee- thx you - yes your right -
he has to pay 50% of cost anyway even if it's mediation

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 30-Jul-16 19:46:25

I posted before the part about NPD.

I'd agree with the above, go to court with a SHL and get everything you can manage to. There is no negotiation with narcs, as you've said they are enjoying the game.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:48:17

Npd ??- can you explain more detail thx you

Improvisingnow Sat 30-Jul-16 19:48:34

Really, just find a lawyer you have faith in and play hard ball. There are worse things than going to court, but I suspect you will never get there if your stance is tough enough (been there with twuntish ex).

You have great leverage by claiming all the arrears of child maintenance, half his rental property half his endowments (or all of both if he doesn't have the cash to pay the arrears) and I'd claim for all the house you are currently living in since you have been paying all the bills for years. He'll settle, but FGS don't undersell yourself. Don't mediate, it is a waste of time with an unreasonable person.

newname99 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:51:03

Definitely legal advice and go to court.Its not that scary and works if you have someone being unreasonable.It may cost but will be worth it.

If your ex has assets then they will be put into the pot.The house does not have to be sold if you can afford it.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:54:14

From what I understand mediation is essential - think I can get a FM1 certificate and then go to the judge???

bloomburger Sat 30-Jul-16 20:02:15

Fuck him over. Don't mediate, you've done that, it didn't work. Now you need to go to court. He won't be able to fuck you about with a judge involved and swerving financial aid for the kids and demanding you sell when you've offered to buy him out will go down like a lead balloon.

Just pull up the drawbridges, communicate through a solicitor and save yourself the stress and him the pleasure of dicking you about.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 30-Jul-16 20:08:52

Sorry new, I was using shorthand for Narcissistic Personality Disorder when O typed NPD.

I think you need to try to push him to mediation if you cannot go to court without it. I think if you threaten to claim on assets which are 'his' it could push him to mediation. Narcissists always think they are cleverer than anyone else, and it probably hasn't occurred to him that as you are still married you have a claim on his things, he has just thought he has a right to half your house.

But if he is getting enjoyment from upsetting you and refusing to mediate, the longer he might string it out, because he will enjoy hurting you more than he will enjoy the money from the house.

If you find yourself in this situation, go to court if you possibly can. Mediation will be fruitless if he is enjoying the conflict, and the only way to deal with him will be through court.

Good luck, I really feel for you having gone through this for so long. I hope you can get it resolved and be done with it.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 20:13:53

Also when he moved out the house was worth considerable less.
Nxt door - identical house sold for a silly low price in 2009, due to bereavements.
Will the judge take the 2009 price into consideration - how could he expect 50% of the new value when he has paid fuck all ???

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