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(30 Posts)
snapyap Sat 30-Jul-16 17:12:36

DH is snappy a lot. If I ask him to do something with our toddler DS, if I ask him what he wants for tea, where we should go out with DS. Especially if I interrupt him on his laptop or phone. This is translating into a snappiness/impatience with toddler.

I don't know how to broach it without him getting snappy again!

ElspethFlashman Sat 30-Jul-16 17:15:58

How about saying "Stop being so fucking snappy".

Cos let's face it, he WILL get snappy. It's become his default. No point tiptoeing around it. Just say bluntly it's not on and he needs to think hard about the contempt he's radiating to his wife and son.

pommychic Sat 30-Jul-16 17:22:08

How long has he been like this? Any obvious reasons? Problems/stresses at work etc?

If you haven't already, sit him down and ask him what's wrong? Tell him that you have noticed a change in the way he speaks to you and it's not are not his verbal punchbag.
But if there is something that you are doing or not doing that is irritating him, you need to talk through it.

Snapyap Sat 30-Jul-16 20:22:53

I think he's stressed and tired as we all are with young children. But I'm over this snappiness

pallasathena Sun 31-Jul-16 07:17:21

Some people become obsessed with their phones, laptops, tablets and when that happens, they start living in a virtual reality which becomes their reality. When you 'intrude', into that reality, you are basically, unwelcome.
This sometimes needs to be spelled out to the offender, calmly and carefully. You need to tell them that this behaviour is slowly destroying your feelings for him and what is he going to do about it?
Very likely you'll just get a shrug of the shoulders and end up ignored still. Hope I'm wrong...he might come round to your way of thinking...if he doesn't, then what?
What you have to do is try and ignore it if you can, and I don't mean that in a passive aggressive way, more in a 'If you can't beat them, don't join them, get a better life', sort of way.
You need to ignore it, make plans to get out and about and affect an air of couldn't care less. Focus on you, on what you can change for yourself.
You can't make him change you can only change the way to react to it.

Snapyap Sun 31-Jul-16 14:45:38

He will ignore and sulk if I say stop being snappy. It's not ALL the time. He's been perfectly pleasant today. When he's snappy and argumentative I try and get out of his way but last weekend when I took DS to the park there was an almighty 3 day row following because I'd taken the baby to the park.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 31-Jul-16 14:48:57

Initial thought, sadly, is is he having an affair? Being unhappy at home always has a reason. Did he want a different gendered child? Has he stopped loving you? Is he hating work? Or does he just like taking out his perceived manliness on his family?

Snapyap Sun 31-Jul-16 15:42:41

I don't think he's having an affair, he's barely out of the house other than at work. He isn't protective of his phone or anything like that. He loves our son to bits although appears resentful of any childcare type stuff. I would hope he still loves me! He could be hiding it well. He has a stressful job which could be contributing to his stress at home. I feel like he dislikes me asking him to do anything, as he thinks I'm a nag

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 31-Jul-16 15:53:04

"When he's snappy and argumentative I try and get out of his way but last weekend when I took DS to the park there was an almighty 3 day row following because I'd taken the baby to the park".

That is not normal behaviour at all, it smacks of him wanting to have power and control over you and your son. I would call his behaviour abusive.

What do you get out of this relationship with him now?.

Your man does this because he can and it works for him. It has worked for him until now, you have stayed out of his way. He is probably upset at having his number 1 position as Big Man of the House now being usurped by his child. Its not an atmosphere your son should be growing up in. How much of your own power and control in this relationship have you handed over to him?

What are his parents like OP; sometimes such behaviour is learnt from parents particularly if they are similarly inclined.

ParisGellar Mon 01-Aug-16 11:14:07

I put DS to bed of a night and text DH when it's safe to come upstairs so that DS isn't disturbed. Usually he'll reply to say he's on the way or will be 10 mins and from this I decide whether to go asleep or wait. Last night he said he was on the way so I waited 10 mins, he still didn't come. I then remembered my medicine I hadn't taken downstairs so I went down to get it and he was sat playing xbox. I wouldn't mind if he'd just tell me. Smacks of disrespect. I said 'for gods sake why didn't you tell me you were playing so I wasn't waiting for you' (I was snappy myself) then he wouldn't talk to me til this morning and came to bed in a sulk. Sounds ridiculous

pictish Mon 01-Aug-16 11:18:50

That most people are snappy from time to time asides, do address it - do not find yourself on the receiving end of a rude bastard. That's not your role and if he wouldn't speak to other people like that, he shouldn't do it to you. It elevates his importance while diminishing yours and is not acceptable.

"You're rude and I'm not putting up with it."

pictish Mon 01-Aug-16 11:22:25

Just saw your more recent post. Ok - this goes beyond him being a self entitled rude bastard with no respect for you. He's a controlling, self entitled rude bastard with no respect for you. Not only does he expect you to swallow his shit, he expects you to stay put in order to swallow his shit.
He's a bad tempered bully.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 01-Aug-16 11:43:15

Why are you and he together at all?

Annabel11 Mon 01-Aug-16 11:57:48

If that is a temporary condition, talk about it. If he's been like that, why does it bother you now? Maybe he's just having tough times at work and edgy all the times? Either way, talk about it with him.

snapyap Mon 01-Aug-16 12:33:38

He was always lovely but since our DS has been on the scene there's been more and more of this. I always think how he'd never talk to his mother/anyone else like this and his family would be mortified to hear how he talks to me sometimes as they think he's the bees knees.

snapyap Mon 01-Aug-16 12:42:09

I've had a handful of nc fails but hoping mnhq will help

HandyWoman Mon 01-Aug-16 13:37:05

Oh this is not just a 'snappy husband' this is about subtle control via verbal and non verbal means - sulking, getting angry, not talking to you.

Oh and this 'he appears resentful of childcare stuff'

He thinks his life should continue as it did prior to having children.

Looking after his children is something he feels he should not have to do. It's beneath him, he resents it.

Abuse and control often seeps in, insidiously, after the birth of the first child.

This is what's happening here.

I have bad news for you, OP, it's just going to get worse.

Time to stand up to this bully and start thinking hard about where your 'line in the sand' is.

I also agree about looking at his family, his parents and what they are like. Because this is what he is trying to re-create. We learn about parenting and family life from our parents.

snapyap Mon 01-Aug-16 13:44:30

His parents seem fine and happy together to me. MIL gets her way and calls all the shots. DH says pils used to be violent to one another and planned to divorce when bil hit 18 but that hasn't happened. They're all devoutly religious and hide their shortcomings behind that.

Is this relevant? I don't even know.

I feel so stupid. He was lovely and all his family and mine think he's lovely. He CAN be lovely. Just lately we are arguing and snappy. Tiredness plays a part, I feel because I'm the sahp he possibly thinks the childcare is 100% down to me. Maybe I need to accept that! I feel he's usually reasonable. If you saw my previous thread re showering, we spoke and I now shower each morning before he leaves for work whilst he watches toddler DS.

When he next snaps at me or sulks or something, I will call him on it.

HandyWoman Mon 01-Aug-16 13:55:39

Of course the PIL's history is relevant. He has learned to appear outwardly like the sun shines out of his arse when behind closed doors he is controlling and misogynistic. This is his PIL all over.

If you are a SAHP this does not mean you are the only person who cares for your son. The fact that you are considering this shows you are already questioning yourself over reasonable things. This is how abuse creeps in.

If you've managed to make progress with your morning shower then perhaps there is room for optimism. In which case stand up to him and ask him directly why he seems to resent caring for ds.

snapyap Mon 01-Aug-16 14:07:21

My mother thinks he's annoyed because I don't get the house completely cleaned every day

snapyap Mon 01-Aug-16 14:07:50

Which I don't think is the case really but that's absurd no?

HandyWoman Mon 01-Aug-16 14:12:41

of course it's absurd. Is she being serious??

snapyap Mon 01-Aug-16 14:17:34

She came to the house when he was working during another snappy incident and looked round and told me that I should be cleaning right now so that he doesn't feel stressed when he comes home.

I'm surrounded by them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 01-Aug-16 14:20:55


re your comment:-

"His parents seem fine and happy together to me. MIL gets her way and calls all the shots. DH says pils used to be violent to one another and planned to divorce when bil hit 18 but that hasn't happened. They're all devoutly religious and hide their shortcomings behind that.

Is this relevant? I don't even know".

It is relevant, we after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. His parents are patently not happy and hide their dysfunction behind religion. What his parents taught him is a shedload of damaging lessons. My guess is that he is most unhappy about his position of being Number One in his household usurped by his son because you are now his parent (rather than simply running around doing your Hs bidding).

He may be tired but its no excuse or justification and besides which you likely are as well, its not a competition I would put a fiver on it that he is only stroppy to you and in turn your child. To everyone else including his work colleagues, he is Mr Wonderful.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Some abusive people do appear to be plausible or otherwise lovely to those in the outside world and that includes family. They do not have to live with him every day as you have done.

Your mother's so called counsel is not just wrong on so many levels, its damaging as well.

My guess too is that you will find it too hard to call him directly on it next time he sulks or strops, this is because you are also afraid of his reaction if you do so.

snapyap Mon 01-Aug-16 14:25:26

I don't remember much of my parents' marriage as they divorced when I was young, I remember my dad just not being around much. Mum remarried when I was a teen and step dad is lovely.

If I raise it with him, he dismisses it 'we were just tired! We will be fine', sulks 'I'm not talking to you because you obviously think I'm horrible', or blames me 'well if you hadn't done x, I wouldn't have done y'.

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