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AIBU or is EX Abusive DP? Regarding contact with DS

(34 Posts)
notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 14:45:40

Hey all;

I have a 6 year old DS and I was in a relationship with his dad ( well just recently broken up with him).

DS dad was very abusive towards me, but touch wood, he hasn't been physically abusive towards me for two years. Though he still is emotionally abusive and unpredictable.

The Social services and I concluded that the dad and DS should have contact time three times a month and he should pick up DS from my house. Social services are not involved anymore; but I would like to continue this contact arrangement.

Though there's an issue.

DS dad doesn't want to pick up DS from my house as every time he does; my neighbour always calls the police on him. To be honest; I don't really blame the neighbour, I don't know if she has some kind of motive ( as we didn't get on in the past). But I think the reason why she calls the police because in the past, whenever DS dad was at my house; the neighbours could hear him beating the crap out of me, cursing me and just being very disruptive.

Anyway; like I've said before DS dad hasn't been physically abusive for two years, but still is intimidating, emotionally abusive and unpredictable when angry. The last time the neighbour called the police was when DS dad brought DS back to my home; and wanted to talk to me ( he alwaaaaays does this when bringing DS back home); I don't really want to talk to him as this always leads to an argument; and DS dad brought up something (months ago) which made him upset and wanted to talk to me about it (which obviously leads to an argument). DS wasn't shouting or anything, but he was becoming a bit hot headed and was being rude to me. I think the neighbour heard this and then thats why she called the police. Though from what the police told me; they said the person (obviously our neighbour ) said she heard shouting, arguing. Though I always keep quiet when DS dad is rude to me so I'm not sure if she was confused.

But anyway; DS dad has refused to come to my house to pick up DS. Instead he wants me to drop DS to his. This is a big no no, as one I'm more at risk when I see him in public; two; DS dad would then try to persuade me to talk to him--which leads to him getting angry and I don't like DS witnessing that. I prefer for him to pick up DS from my home; as I live with my siblings and I feel more safer. I told DS dad that if he doesn't like coming to pick up DS cause of my neighbour. Well DS is old enough to go downstairs and wait for you by the communal door--obviously within earshot( we only live two doors down) . I also told DS dad that when he brings DS back to my house that he shouldn't talk to me. Instead he should just bring DS back home and just go back to his home; not wait around trying to get a conversation out with me (which leads to anger- argument then abuse).

DS dad has just sent me a couple of text messages now saying "I should fuck off, I'm taking the piss, I don't want DS to see him".

Am I doing the right thing in all this? It's just so difficult. Should I just bring DS by his dads?

TeaBelle Sat 30-Jul-16 14:48:07

Why don't you meet somewhere in public - you can just walk away each time with plenty of people around which may inhibit his behaviour

notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 14:49:57

Teabelle He would follow me (sigh).

Vipermisnomer Sat 30-Jul-16 14:52:01

Agreed somewhere public but please take sibling with you (or all, at least the biggest one!) given track record. Know your public place, pick somewhere with lots of busy exits etc. Be safe.

notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 14:54:22

Viper I'm the oldest :D. But I can ask my mum to come with me when taking DS at to the public place. Though DS dad is not scared of my mum; doesn't feel intimidated by her and will be abusive if needs be.

Desmondo2016 Sat 30-Jul-16 14:54:37

If you are that at risk from him then you need some kind of order in place to protect you. I'm not sure if you're just not seeing it but he sounds horrendously dangerous and abusive. Are you sure he's even safe to have DS?

Vipermisnomer Sat 30-Jul-16 14:54:53

Busy exits on to taxi ranks are good. Also make plans to be somewhere so you don't have time to stop and chat. Thanks very much, bye, get walking - straight into cab, close door, end of.

LilacInn Sat 30-Jul-16 14:56:37

Make the exchange at a police station.

But really why does this abusive angry violent thug have access to the child in the first place? I shudder to think what happens when they are alone.

notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:02:16

His good with DS, but obviously not to me.

I could take a taxi and make a hasty exit! I didn't think of that. But I would be dreading knowing that I have to pick up DS from him where I know he would be angry.

Enoughisenough9 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:02:45

I think you should grasp the fact that the neighbour keeps ringing the police with both hands, and ask for access to be at a contact centre. Much better for you and your boy.

Enoughisenough9 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:03:51

he'll soon fuck off when he realises he can't get access to you via his son.

BertieBotts Sat 30-Jul-16 15:06:01

Yes to contact centre.

What do the police have to say? Do you have any contact with the domestic violence unit? Perhaps they can advise.

notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:06:02

Do you guys think that he should pick up DS from house regardless?

notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:06:58

The last time I spoke to the social worker; as we have had numerous contact sessions. They said they don't have enough funds to keep putting that in place.

BertieBotts Sat 30-Jul-16 15:07:16

You can just do handovers at the contact centre if you don't want to push for supervised contact. It just means that you don't have to come into contact with your ex at all. There is also a neutral third party there who is trained to note any interactions which are abusive in nature.

BertieBotts Sat 30-Jul-16 15:10:15

You can also contact women's aid for advice with this. Ultimately the most important thing is that the situation is safe.

I agree it's probably not that great that he has contact at all, but if social services think that he should there is not much you can do about that. But you absolutely have the right to make safe arrangements so that your son doesn't have to witness arguing and potential violence.

notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:10:32

Bertie That's a good idea. Who can I speak to regarding that?

ivykaty44 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:11:58

You ignore the text, he is using the pick up and drop of times to get to you.

So how did you communicate that he must just pick up and drop of like this? By email or text?

Just text back ignoring the text he sent and state DC will be waiting for you and drop of.

Of course he won't like it you are taking back control and that scares him - so he lashes out with a stupid text.

Keep repeating the same thing and don't get dragged into his argument

ivykaty44 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:13:13

Enough said and BB have great advice

notgivingin789 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:21:16

I think DS dad just came by my house; though I quickly double locked my door and put the TV noise down. When he is already angry, and is by my house. It's bad news.

Vipermisnomer Sat 30-Jul-16 15:22:11

I think BB has said it best, contact centre if you can and then records are kept. Chances are he will stop seeing DS and a record of no shows will come in handy if ever pursued in court. Maybe take your neighbour a bottle of wine too, she is obviously concerned and looking out for your safety.

Make no mistake OP abusers are abusive, it may just be you as far as you know just now but that easily slips to your child if things don't go his way. You are both vulnerable - your job is to protect your child. If that man cared for your child he would not abuse his mother. The only person an abuser won't immediately square up to is someone bigger than them or official - so those who can give immediate consequences iyswim!

BertieBotts Sat 30-Jul-16 15:23:05

Honestly I'm not 100% sure - you could start with these guys:

You could also visit your local police station (or look up the local, non-emergency number) and ask to speak to a member of the domestic violence unit, if they deal with situations like yours (it's likely to be classed as DV still).

If you have any contact with your social worker you could also ask them if they can help you to arrange this.

I would also suggest contacting Gingerbread - the single parent association.

Vipermisnomer Sat 30-Jul-16 15:23:23

Do not hide in your own home, call the police if you think you are in danger!

BertieBotts Sat 30-Jul-16 15:24:18

Call the police now if you feel threatened.

BertieBotts Sat 30-Jul-16 15:24:36

Even if you think you're being silly or it's a false alarm.

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