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Ex having new baby. I'm gutted.

(12 Posts)
purpleshimmer Sat 30-Jul-16 08:14:13

Hi all. Support please if you can spare any.

I found out last night that my ex is having a baby with the young girl he left me for.
This is really upsetting for me because we suffered a late miscarriage in 2014 and after a very tough year (him walking away and coming back, me with severe depression)..he ended up going off with this young girl from work. We were only just engaged and had a holiday booked, he let me down terribly and at the worst possible time but I took him back after he promised me the world...and then he did that to me.
Fast forward 6 months and they break up. He comes back into my life. We didn't get back together but he lied to me about her and ended up back with her on the new year. He basically used me to lean on. He flirted (even sent explicit messages and videos)...he had me thinking he was all sorry and was trying to take things slow and make amends. He fooled me.
Then I found out he was back with her on social media. I messaged him thanking him for hurting me again and I know it's my own bloody fault but I was so upset.
Now they are expecting and it's due around the time we lost ours. I really did love him. I thought he was the love of my life as we knew each other as teenagers, I left my marriage to be with him. We had a great 18 months before our world was turned upside down.
I'm so bloody stupid.
He cheated on me when we were 19. He cheated on the girl he was seeing long distance when he got seeing me again all these years later.
He cheated on me with this young girl.
This girl has no idea he was near me during their break.
He is a serial liar and cheater and has jumped from one relationship to another all his life.
He is no good for me or my children. I know all this.
I'm just hurting like hell. More so because despite all the lies he has spent the last 2 years never alone, never in tears, never lonely.
I have tried to move on. Met other guys but nothing has gone anywhere. I just want happiness too,
I foolishly thought us being teenage sweethearts and reuniting and then going through such a loss meant that we were meant to be.
I'm just lost now. When will I find happiness?
Everyone tells me how he's such a low life, abusive, selfish etc etc and how I'm a gorgeous lady with a massive heart and any man would be proud to be with me blah blah....if that's the case then how comes he gets it easy and I don't?
Not that having a man means happiness or self worth, I know that.
I have 2 wonderful children and tons of friends. I don't need a man to be happy.
Why does this hurt so much?!
I keep seeing them kissing in the delivery room and sharing that moment that I thought we would. Instead our moment in there was panic and heartache and deathly silence while they took our sons body away.
This hurts like crazy. Please help me make sense of it flowers

NaffOffMartha Sat 30-Jul-16 08:16:12

He doesn't get it easy because he's stuck with himself while you get to be lovely you 💐

Graceflorrick Sat 30-Jul-16 08:17:37

I'm sorry to hear you've had such an awful time and hope things improve soon.

Leaving a marriage for someone else though is never going to work, sadly you've learnt that the hard way.

Good luck with the future flowers

FrankUnderwoodsWife Sat 30-Jul-16 08:23:41

This is your low self confidence talking. He treated you appalingly. I reall hope, you dont believe you deserve to have someone behave so badly towards you!

I had a similar tale. Ex bf basically had no respect for me. I now look back on that time and feel sad for my (much younger) self, that I believed it was ok to be treated like that.

Treat yourself kindly, list all of your amazing attributes and then do a daily mantra listing all of your positives.

Try and move on. Harder said than done, but this feeling will pass

purpleshimmer Sat 30-Jul-16 08:25:11

Thank you. To be honest, my marriage wasn't the best either and things were going wrong already....but I accept I should have tried harder before I jumped ship. Or if not that then I should have ended it and been alone. I made a bad choice.
It just hurts that the man I loved has moved on so much and so easily with no compassion towards me and our loss at all. He has never once apologised for all the pain he put me through.
My ex h and I made amends. He has another child and one more on the way and we are friends...we get along, it hurt at the time but we both knew it was ending. We did try and we did talk things through.
My ex however just went from all to nothing in seconds. Completely ripped me apart and let me blame myself too.

Itsnowornever01 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:31:25


FrankUnderwoodsWife Sat 30-Jul-16 09:05:04

Purple, it is very painful! And I think what you're feeling is normal.
That your ex has moved on so quickly, makes you question your whole being.

He is the issue, not you! He sounds like a dick. My ex was too. I was blind to it, even when I was driven to a nervous breakdown and hospitalised because of his behaviour toward me.
I just couldn't see how toxic he was for me. I believed if I was prettier/thinner/nicer he would have loved me more. I lost who I was because of him.

I also believe that I pined for him for years afterwards, because he was the "one that got away". I did everything for him, and it still wasn't enough! And he was a massive twat. grin
Finally therapy helped me see the light....

I am now married to an amazing man, who I love madly and laugh with daily. I know loves me with every cell in his body - even with my many faults shock!
I genuinely look back at my past bf's and wonder what the hell was I thinking?

I wish this for you. Take some time to mourn the loss of the relationship and the fact he is having a child with someone else. The child you wanted and lost.
Give yourself a date by which you mentally agree to then move on.

Once this date has passed, go out with friends, get fit, spoil yourself doing what you love. Live the best life you can.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 30-Jul-16 13:48:36

flowers. I'm so sorry for your loss.
It hurts so much because you're yearning for the baby that was taken. You must feel that. The happiness you felt was snatched from you and given to her. Of course you're gutted and jealous and rightly so. Who wouldn't be.
You know yourself that you're better off without him. You don't need me to patronise you and tell you that. And if he cheated on you. There is no question about it. He'll cheat on her, so. Although it may seem like it at the moment. She's not destined for a cushy life, well. Not while she's with him anyway. X

purpleshimmer Sat 30-Jul-16 14:28:56

Thank you everyone. I'm just so hurt and wonder what it is I did wrong to deserve this. I thought losing the baby was my punishment for hurting my ex husband but I've had nothing but more and more hurt since.
And my health isn't great. I think the last 2 years have taken their toll. I have an appointment with the TIA clinic in Tuesday as I have really high blood pressure which they have been trying to control for ages but it's not coming down and last week I had severe dizziness and tingling and weakness down one side so they suspect a mini stroke. I'm not supposed to get stressed!
I'm just hurting. He will cheat on her I'm sure, he won't ever change will he and I know we are better off without him it's just that when we were together I thought we had finally made it.
I put his past cheating down to immaturity as we were only 19.
I put him going off with this girl down to grief.
But it's not is it. He didn't love me and all he does is go with the flow and suits himself.
I'm lost. Just heartbroken and not one thing I can do about it.
I hope I meet a nice guy one day who makes it all seem worthwhile.
I've had a years worth of counselling and cried all the way through.
I don't think I will ever get over him, not really. He's been under my skin for far too many years, it's just so painful to experience this feeling because I'm riddled with guilt....I mean I have 2 healthy amazing children and there are people on the world with far far worse problems. I don't feel like I have a right to be upset over this...but I am.
I feel stupid.

FrankUnderwoodsWife Sat 30-Jul-16 17:02:09

Purple, I'm sorry to hear that your health is suffering. This may also be contributing to how heartbroken you feel. You sound like you may be depressed. Can you ask your dr for something to get you through the next few months?

I do believe it is possible to actually be "heartbroken". The loss of your baby, combined with your ex bf's behaviour would be exceptionally hard for the strongest person to bare.

purpleshimmer Sat 30-Jul-16 18:54:23

Hi Frank
Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately I have suffered depression for many years. Pretty much since I was 20. I'm now 37.
I've had lots of counselling therapies in the past and help with the children from
Home start and the early help Hub. I'm already on a very high dose of antidepressants. I see my GP the point where when I bad episodes the receptionists sit me in a separate waiting room and even give me a hug. (They've known me all my life and knew my mum)...
I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I don't mean to, far from it.
I had a very abusive childhood with a vile father, and whilst carrying my daughter my mum passed away suddenly aged 50.
So the last few years (7 I suppose) have been hard.
I thought I had found my true happiness during the time that we were settled. My exh had moved on and was (and is still) very happy. Me and my partner were very happy. We were both expecting a baby at the same time. Then out if the blue we lost our son, it was very sudden and traumatic.
My exh then went on to have their baby...a little boy...that in itself really hurt.
A few months after the miscarriage my partner walked out and took our savings. A few weeks later we were back together but he didn't move back in. We then spent 12 months living apart but we're still a couple...he took off again for around 6 weeks and then had a kind of nervous breakdown of his own and begged for me back. I was there for him. I was strong at that point and he was like a weak shell of himself.
Things got better and he proposed that Xmas and pushed me into booking a family holiday for that summer. He took on extra work and this is where he met the girl.
So 3 months after being engaged he left. But he pushed us into arguing and I told him to go. He blamed me for asking him to leave. I said I didn't mean for us to end, just for us to cool off that night. I begged and pleased for him to talk. He said I didn't chase him out to the car so I wasn't bothered. A few weeks later it's all over Facebook he's with her. According to her page they have been together since Feb 15...we were still together well into March!
I was distraught for the the 3rd time with him leaving yet it was far far worse because of this OW. The thought of him sleeping with someone else just made me sick.
Anyway, I cut all contact and tried to heal. In November we crossed paths on a dating site and broke the ice. He fooled me into thinking he was sorry. He came to my house loads of times and did odd jobs. We shared wine, we hugged. Nothing more. He kept saying he wanted to take it all slow.
Then just after Xmas day he stopped talking. Just ignored me. Then I found out on Instagram how in love they are and how they "have been apart too long and never again" really hurt.
So I was back at square one. I've tried to move on. I've been out, I've met other men, I've had a one night stand, I've had a snog with a guy I met online....I really did like him...but he went back to his ex.
Anyway, now this. I just can't take anymore.
I just feel like I'm being punished for something. Life is just harder and harder. I'm sure there must be a reason for all this crap but when will it end!
I know logically he is no good etc etc but you can't help your feelings can you.
Apologies for such a long post. It just helps to type and let it all out I guess.

Overthinker2016 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:45:21

It's ok to write it all down. Might make you feel better.

I too have had a broken engagement. When it all happened I felt like I couldn't go on.

However I did go on, and had some brilliant brilliant experiences being single. Not saying it was a walk in the park but I did move on, and had some cool experiences. I opened myself up to new possibilities and lived a life I would never have had I been still with his ex.

I've now met someone lovely and am having such a happy time with him. We are much better suited than me and my ex ever were and I am far happier.

Meanwhile my ex is just plodding on. Has made no changes to his life ( that he was apparently so dissatisfied with at the time). He's not dated at all. After seemingly being cool with splitting up while I cried myself dry, he is now the one crying at a mutual friends wedding because of what could have been. I actually feel slightly sorry for him.

It doesn't sound to me that your ex has he happy ending you think he has. Yeah he's got a gf but they've already split up once so good luck to the pair of them.

You will get past this. You will. And you will feel happier than you ever have, whether that's with a new bloke or on your own.

One day at a time. One foot after the other. Keep going.

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