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Personality issues in relationships(6 Posts)
I'm at a loss! I'm wide awake at 1am after about 3 hours of crying. Another argument with husband. He's giving me the cold shoulder following a minor row yesterday.
I think I've just had a breakthrough. We've been together 6 years and I love him very much, he's kind and a wonderful dad BUT I can't help but feel our personalities are not right together:
I am anxious, diagnosed with ocd which i got help for and I feel things are much better in that area. I am clean, tidy and get upset when I do things wrong. I'm very ambitious and like to have a plan (from house DIY projects we can do next to knowing that I'd like 2 children and that this house is not my "forever" home)
Husband is content with things as they are... Before I came along he was work obsessed and because he worked so hard he felt the need to spend free time having fun (cinema, concerts etc) he's not interested in cleaning, DIY or property. He's happy the way things are and sees no point in growing, moving or developing. He will deny this but I practically had to nag him to death to have our son. It was 100 percent my idea.
We argue because essentially I am frustrated and he thinks I nag too much or get angry with him. He says he feels worthless.
our most recent argument was because he did not realise that the milk in fridge was a week past sell by date. I was away at the time and when I came back, the fridge was bare apart from said milk. He "didn't realise". I just don't get that! He also didn't bother cleaning when I was away and "didn't see the mould growing in bathroom". It was a minor argument. Resolved the same morning but he won't let go.
He seems very immature and when I say how concerned I am about our relationships (I shouldn't have to nag him to have a baby or consider moving house, isn't that the sort of stuff normal couples discuss?) he says things like "well you don't like things I like, you won't come to cinema with me". How can he compare running a house, paying bills and life decisions with the latest bloody marvel film?!
I feel like everything "big" falls on me: all decisions, organising DIY, deciding where we live, paying nursery bills, deciding if we will have a baby, deciding which milk is off, cleaning (I mean proper cleaning not emptying bin). I'm exhausted from project managing our entire life!
So are we doomed? What can I do? I've accepted that I can be hard work but I am trying to change and relax more. It's clear if I didn't lead, things would stay the same: no cleaning, no more baby, same house, no savings etc
How old is he?! He sounds like a child! Did he move from his parents straight in with you?
Oh dear. You're not compatible, you probably never were. I suspect that you assessed that your issues were the source of your differences and are now realising that your personalities are.
Pressuring someone to have a child with you should have alerted you to your incompatibility but I can understand your blinkered thinking, especially when your OH is so malleable but it doesn't make it right. Your differing personalities have contributed to a parent child dynamic which is making you both miserable.
Is there a place in the middle where you both could meet, I have no idea but as you have a child together then you should try (counselling). However, your differences maybe too big to bridge and it wouldn't be fair to have your child's childhood blighted by two people who are fundamentally different trying and failing to be on the same page.
You have fundamentally different priorities in life. He didn't want a kid, you did, you got what you wanted and now aren't happy because he won't change to fit in with your idea of how the world should be.
Neither if you is right or wrong here, you both just have different priorities.
If you think the relationship is worth saving then consider couples counselling. You both need to be open to this tho, it isn't about one party trying to impose their world view.
I am the way you describe your husband. I would not care if there was a week's worth of mobile was growing in my bathroom, and my fridge is often empty. I can meet someone halfway, but only halfway or I just feel resentful. Why should my way not be good enough for someone who loves me? Do they really care that much about a bit of mould that it's worth getting upset over?
DP is like you. We love each other madly. But we decided to live apart because we love each other more when we don't have to deal with our cohabitation issues. It's expensive living apart, but otherwise it works great for us. Of course YMMV, and I'm just giving you another perspective.
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