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Something that confuses me...

(30 Posts)
IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Sat 30-Jul-16 00:00:25

Whenever a woman on here talks about being in a relationship with a married man, everyone piles in to say that he'll never leave, he's a bastard, he's leading her on, etc. yet there are so many women on here who have been left by their husbands for OW who they claim to love.

Sometimes the man comes clean and says he loves someone else. Sometimes the wife finds messages or other evidences; declarations of love and the like.

It seems like when it's the wife talking, everyone offers support saying it happened to them, he met someone else, fell in love, behaved like a shit and left for the OW. When it's an OW talking, it's always about how he'll never leave.

What's the reality?

My exhusband met someone else while we were still married. i hesitate to say it was an affair because he didn't love me, I didn't love him, we hadn't had a 'relationship' for years. We functioned as two adults living in a house and bringing up two children, but no more than that.

Anyone telling her that they'd never be together would have been wrong. Having said that, I didn't find out about the relationship, but I did find evidence he was 'looking' elsewhere and kicked him out. I was really only looking for a reason. But he said that he had no intention of leaving, and still considers that it was me who ended the marriage because he had no intention of leaving. He should have. Our 'marriage' was a shit sham. He deserves to be happy and I probably do too. Just haven't found my happily ever after yet.

WellErrr Sat 30-Jul-16 00:03:32

I don't think it is like that.

People on here often say that when a man leaves his wife for his mistress, he creates a vacancy. Which is true.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Sat 30-Jul-16 00:31:22

Is it thought?

My dad had an affair. Or met someone else when he was still married to my mum. They were married for 20+ years until he died. He never looked at anyone else. He and his second wife were well suited. He and my mum weren't.

My exh is still with OW. He was not a serial cheater. He wants the fairy tale, happily ever after that he didn't find with me. A vacancy has not been created there. Whatever I might think of him, he's not a 'bastard.' he did a shitty thing, but he's not a bad man.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Sat 30-Jul-16 00:32:54

though. not thought. (beer)

KickAssAngel Sat 30-Jul-16 00:46:29

There are some good (ish) men who look for an exit affair - they can't imagine being on their own so have an affair to hedge their bets before leaving un unhappy marriage.

There are some men who will 'play the game' as much as possible. If they can get away with having a wife, a mistress, a few flings and one night stands, they'll do it all.

When a woman is with a married man and he says he'll leave, but keeps delaying it, or saying 'it's an empty marriage, I'm just there until after the next holiday/the kid's birthday/whatever' then he's probably type B.

If he really does intend to leave his wife and settle with the new woman - he'll do it, and probably quite quickly.

So - a woman coming on here saying they've been together for ages, but he hasn't left yet = Type B most likely.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Sat 30-Jul-16 00:50:55

Ok, yes, that makes sense.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Sat 30-Jul-16 01:17:51

I can only speak from my own experience, and that of a close friend.

When we each 'threw him out', it was nothing, a fad, a phase, it would have fizzled out by itself, we were over reacting and throwing everything away.

But the devoted OWs were waiting in the wings with chicken soup, sympathy, back rubs, and spare bedrooms. And not-spare bedrooms.

The intention may not have been to leave for someone else, but when banished from the kingdoms, funnily enough, the only people to provide safe harbour, succour, and a comfy bed were the OWs.

ZBWRDSM Sat 30-Jul-16 02:20:02

I think (Based on real life observation mostly but also internet posts like here) that the reality is:

- men rarely leave for an OW particularly if they have children. Their preferred course would be safe and familiar family life and pleasure of being at home with their children + hot sex with a loving and keen OW. Why would they rock that boat? It's having your cake and eating it.

- wives rarely "chuck out" their cheating husband. Upon discovery of an affair, the husband swears blind it was a one off/happened only once/ he was very drunk/ they were both drunk/ kissing only no sex/ sex but just once/OW chased him insessently and he was flattered/[fill in the blank minimising lies]. Wife believes it and they carry on.

- the majority of circumstances where the husband ends up with the OW (which are a tiny proportion of affairs generally) are where the wife gets fed up and chucks him out. See first point above - why would a man leave? He doesn't want to and doesn't need to.

- there are a tiny tiny tiny microscopic number of cases where the man leaves of his own accord for another woman but this is very very rare and most likely when (a) there are no children in the marriage or (b) the man has an overriding motivation to leave of his own accord for a better situation - eg. the OW is very wealthy and gives him a new lifestyle; OW is famous and gives him a new status; OW is unbelievably hot and younger so gives him a new status.

Bottom line: men rarely leave and top cause of marriage breakdown where there is an OW is not the man leaving his wife but the wife chucking him out and ending it.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Sat 30-Jul-16 07:44:25

That makes a lot of sense.

But there do seem to be a lot of cases on here where the man has told the woman that he has met someone else and is leaving.

I know of two cases in rl where this has happened. In one case, the woman actually did the whole , "I'm not having an affair, if you're not happy, leave and then we'll talk". So he did. Children in both cases. (Neither involved me).

Itsnowornever01 Sat 30-Jul-16 07:47:43

This is a an interesting post brew

Someone in my family led a double life and said he was so in love with OW, but when faced with losing everything begged to come back, but wife kicked him out. OW still does not know that and he went to live with her!

Itsnowornever01 Sat 30-Jul-16 07:49:26

I wonder if there is any real stats on it?

Scarydinosaurs Sat 30-Jul-16 07:49:33

You have no idea what your dad did. There is every chance he looked around, you will never know. Likewise with your ex, he could continue to be unfaithful.

The fact he was having an affair and still blames you for the marriage ending as he wouldn't leave anyway, surely disproves your point that men will leave their wives for their mistresses, as your husband also insists that he wouldn't.

I'm sorry, but the way you're minimising affairs suggests to me you have very low self esteem to accept behaviour that is shitty and unneeded. If you're unhappy- leave.

Itsnowornever01 Sat 30-Jul-16 07:53:00

From my friends and family experience I do think men as more driven to lean towards money rather than love. When faced with losing money they seem to take the better option, as in staying with wife if they can.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Sat 30-Jul-16 10:31:03

Not at all, I have a zero tolerance towards infidelity.

My dad and my husband both just met women they were far better suited to. My husband and I were never truly happy/well suited and I don't think my parents were either.

I wasn't happy either, but I was staying for the children. My mum didn't want to be seen as a woman who couldn't keep her marriage together.

VestalVirgin Sat 30-Jul-16 10:54:33

I give everyone the advice for the worst case scenario - safer to be prepared for the worst.
Therefore, I would tell the woman hoping that the man will leave his wife for her that it won't happen, and the wife that she should prepare for him leaving.

I also have zero tolerance for infidelity, so I would tell a woman to get rid of the cheater in each case, anyway, regardless of any hopes that he might stay with her.
If a cheater leaves his wife for you, who guarantees that you won't be the next wife he leaves?

Cabrinha Sat 30-Jul-16 11:33:46

I don't understand you're post...
Are you saying that the OW does get the man?
Yet you say that your husband only went because you dumped him and had no intention of leaving.
So even though your husband's OW would be evidence that they are sometimes lucky enough to get another woman's reject, your situation is still actually evidence for the opposite - that it's unlikely to happen confused

I have no idea what the stats are.

My gut feel though is that if someone has an affair, they are lower than average on the "decent and honourable" scale, and higher than average on the "selfish" scale. Together, that seems to make it more likely to me that an OW is not going to get her Happy Ever After.

Some will stay, some will go, some will cheat on the OW, some should have been with the OW all along and will now be blissfully happy!

TheNaze73 Sat 30-Jul-16 14:47:51

This is one of the most interesting posts, I've read on here.

I think nearly all circumstances are different & there is no standard pattern. Agree about the decency thing. If I wasn't happy, had mismatched libido's or a relationship lacks excitement (which from reading lots of posts on here, seem to be the reasons why men & women stray) I would have to get out & not cheat.

Very thought provoking OP smile

Desmondo2016 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:01:38

I left my first marriage (about 10 years later than I should have done) after falling in love with a colleague and having an affair (for about a month before leaving exH). 6 years later colleague is my very very dead H, I'm expecting our first baby and I've not looked at another man at all, not do I anticipate that happening. I'm 100% in the right relationship with my perfect man. So by the rule of thumb, I should expect to cheat on him one day because I cheated on an unhappy and abusive relationship in the past?! Not a chance!

Desmondo2016 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:02:43

Omg omg hes my very very DEAR husband. He's very much alive! !!!

TheNaze73 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:12:20

That is too funny Desmondo wink

Dozer Sat 30-Jul-16 15:17:45

I don't think the OP is accurate about posts on here about affairs.

Presumably some relationships that start out as affairs do work out. It's still a really shitty, unecessary way to have treated th ex(es) though.

I also don't buy the "we just fell in love" bollocks: if you got to the point of getting to know an OM/OW well enough to fall in lust or even love then that was already adultery and you were clearly looking for someone else - the decent thing to do if wanting that would be to leave and be single first.

Desmondo2016 Sat 30-Jul-16 17:56:39

I was in a EA and very controlling relationship. Meeting my now DH gave me that added bit of strength and impetus I needed to end it. It's completely wrong, I know that and I wish I'd told exh it was over years before. I didnt love him and we had absolutely no real relationship. But I knew how absolutely horrendous the fall out would be as my exh was simply NOT a man to cross and I simply didn't have the courage. It was always just easier to accept it as my lot. My now DH gave me that courage and through his friendship and support (initially, I guess the love came later) I knew that I wanted to be the person im now allowed to be. Now im hoping, 6 years on, exdh may one day stop continuing to abuse me and the children through various means!!!

Affairs are wrong. But it's not always as clear cut as it seems to be when you look at it from the vantage point of a solid relationship (or from a position of hurt when you THOUGHT you'd had a solid relationship.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Sat 30-Jul-16 18:07:15

When I posted, it wasn't so much the feality I was necessarily thinking of. More that the advice/reported experience on here is so very contradictory depending on the 'role' of the person posting.

So every OW who posts is told he'll never leave and every wife is told he will and that she should kick him out and take the control back. I suppose it's as vestal says about people advising on worst case scenario.

Desmondo exactly. My dad didn't cheat on his second wife and I don't think my exh would cheat on the woman he is with now (ow).

I think both of them were weak for not leaving first, but they were both with women they didn't love and weren't loved by.

Itsnowornever01 Sat 30-Jul-16 18:14:22

I agree with Desmondo2016.
I do know of a couple of women who managed to get out of abusive relationships with emotional and financial support of their new partners. They will always be seen as the bad guys though.

newshoes68 Sat 30-Jul-16 18:37:06

Happy marriages don't end!
Your young enough to find happiness.

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