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Trust over money - am I overreacting?

(61 Posts)
RisingSun16 Fri 29-Jul-16 23:00:22

Regular male poster - have name-changed for this post...

I regard my wife and I as being pretty good with money - we have a joint account and we split everything (mortgage, childcare etc) as a equitabe share of each others income - I earn a bit more so I pay a bit more.

Our son is growing out of his car seat and we knew we were going to need a new one. Money is a little tight until our daughter goes to school in September, so we started putting cash into a small box in our dresser as a savings pot so that by the time the replacement was really needed we would have enough. The seed was money relatives had given us for our wedding anniversary, and it has been supplemented by sales of various baby carriers and stuff we no longer need. We were only about 30 pounds short.

I sold a video game today and went to put the money in the box. When I opened it I found there was over 200 pounds missing.When I asked my wife what was going on, she said she had used it for petrol the last few months, but would replenish it by selling some baby wraps we didn't need any more.

I am really angry that she has done this for two reasons. Firstly, the moey was meant for an essential for our children. That now has to come from somewhere else (what happens if we are unable to sell the baby carriers?). I will find the money, because he has to have a new seat, but it now means cutting back on areas I didn't expect to.

Secondly, I am really dissapointed that my wife didn't feel she could come to me and tell me that she was running short. I would have been able to cover her petrol out of my own personal funds, so that we didn't need to raid the savings pot. We are meant to be a team, and now I wonder how much of that is actually true.

Has anyone else been in this position? Am I massively overreacting?

Grateful for some perspective.


princessmi12 Fri 29-Jul-16 23:20:03

Well obviously she felt she was unable to tell you hence didn't say anything about being short. Looks like either just you or both of you are pretty tight (I for once never ever sold anything second hand and consider it bad taste. I'd rather give out to less fortunate ones ). Sorry don't get an impression of you being great husband

magoria Fri 29-Jul-16 23:21:32

By personal funds do you mean your spare money to spend how you like?

Unless the money has gone on fripperies if you have spare money while your wife doesn't have enough for petrol your finance split is wrong.

Instead of overreacting sit down and look at where you need to make changes.

How can a team be where one has spare money and the other doesn't?

Naicehamshop Fri 29-Jul-16 23:25:48

Bad taste to sell things second hand princess?? What planet are you actually from???

princessmi12 Fri 29-Jul-16 23:32:16

This planet! I'd rather give away what I don't need anymore! What happened to charity on this planet?

antimatter Fri 29-Jul-16 23:34:14

"her petrol money",
"my personal fund"

How can this be team approach?

I can only guess your wife has a very small "allowance" from you and she has to ask (beg?) for money if she needs any?

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Jul-16 23:36:58

But that is a guess. We don't know what the situation is. She might be spending her own, equal, allowance on handbags.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 29-Jul-16 23:38:00

Can you honestly say you have never made her feel bad about her spending, raised an eyebrow, ever? It sounds like she was scared to be honest - maybe she overspent somewhere else, maybe she didn't, but the fact that she felt unable to talk to you about it speaks volumes

MatildaTheCat Fri 29-Jul-16 23:38:55

You need to talk. Money is either much tighter than you realised ( who does the grocery shopping etc?) or does she have a propensity for expensive facials or handbags? I would suspect the former.

TBH, you are pretty financially insecure if buying a car seat requires this much planning. What will you do if a car needs a new clutch or one of you breaks a leg?

princessmi12 Fri 29-Jul-16 23:39:19

She doesn't have an allowance most likely
They contribute each to the pot and for kids things to the point she feels she has to make up balance taken out on basic things
OP,if you have personal fund why didn't you just buy whatever needed for your son instead of trying to save up for it together with your wife when she's unable to contribute?

ToastDemon Fri 29-Jul-16 23:51:10

Lucky you princess that you are in a position to give away your used goods. Many are not so financially fortunate.

Joysmum Fri 29-Jul-16 23:53:17

Do you both had equal disposable income?

We treat our incomes as household income and any income left over after expenses and saving have been deducted is divided equally in to our individual current accounts.

If you don't have equal disposable income then it's no wonder she doesn't feel she can talk to you about her problems. How belittling to have to hope you'll be offered money from your richer partner.

TuppencePenny Sat 30-Jul-16 00:00:26

She spent the money on petrol. That's hardly a luxury. She also told you as soon as you asked (is that right?) unless you have read in to doubt she spent the money on petrol then I don't think it's a huge issue. I understand why you're disappointed and angry as she should have come to you and said "I'm short and can't afford petrol in the car this month. Do you think it's ok to take money from our savings or can you cover it?" That would have been better.

The key to solving this is why it wasn't discussed before it happened. I see there are two obvious reasons. 1. She overspent elsewhere and felt guilty and embarrassed and wanted to put the money back before you found out. 2. She really needed the money her budget didn't add up and she was scared to ask you to help for some reason.

What do you think happened? Hope it gets worked out.

TuppencePenny Sat 30-Jul-16 00:02:55

I also think there's a discrepancy where you say if she asked you you could have covered it from your personal fund and would question why you are both putting money in a pit for an essential like a car seat when you have a personal fund? Not an attack just wondering how it works.

NedStarksHead Sat 30-Jul-16 00:06:34

The double standards are rife tonight.

How the fuck did any of you get from the OP that the poor, scared woman has an "allowance" and she was made to "beg" for money.

She shouldn't have taken money out the savings full stop without running it by you.

You should all be fucking ashamed of yourselves turning this into a woe is me for the woman who took money out a pot that was meant for her children.

NedStarksHead Sat 30-Jul-16 00:08:56

The OP already made it clear they both have an income, but you've all somehow bypassed that and come to the obviously feminazi conclusion that she's got no income, relies solely on her husband and has to beg for money.

princessmi12 Sat 30-Jul-16 00:09:25

I'm not financially fortunate, I just earn my money good old fashioned way called being employed and earnings wages.
I sometimes struggle for money but the thoughts never come into my head grinh I should start selling old things. As I say it's bad taste to me.
I feel so much better by giving it away and hopefully helping someone this way! Earning my karma smile

wonderingsoul Sat 30-Jul-16 00:10:49

I agree double standereds and massive comclusion jumping

Maybe she soent stuff on her so was short petrol money.

Maybe she lied and ut wasnt for petrol at all.

Mayne she has gambling probelm and is trying to hide it.

Op. I see why your angry but inwould suggest asking her why she didnt just say she was short. The fact the took it with out saying anything would be what anoyed me.. not that she spent it on gas.

NedStarksHead Sat 30-Jul-16 00:13:43

OP, just ask her why she didn't tell you. Neither of you should be taking money out a dedicated savings pot for something specific without asking one another first.

Ignore the feminazis idiots who are jumping to sexist (how ironic) conclusions about your wife.

You're right to be annoyed, but just talk to her about it and find out the underlying cause. If you work well together financially as team then you need to be able to communicate as a team.

VioletBam Sat 30-Jul-16 00:14:03

Princess SO sorry you find poverty in "bad taste"

But you're full of shit.

Karma my arse.

Some people can't AFFORD to give things away.

Paulat2112 Sat 30-Jul-16 00:16:39

Princess, wraps and baby carriers can go for big bucks, several hundred in fact! I wouldn't be giving that away lol

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 30-Jul-16 00:17:25

Is your DW working?
It's impossible to say whether she's frittered away 'her' money or spent it on essentials.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 30-Jul-16 00:20:39

Actually re reading... Are you working?

Rainer Sat 30-Jul-16 00:23:48

I used to make purchase decisions based on how well the item would sell on for. Princess I think you sound a little off tune.

It's so easy for little amounts to mount up to big money op, I wonder if that how she justified it to herself.

wonderingsoul Sat 30-Jul-16 00:26:16

Giddy... he says he earns slightly more. So pays more

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