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Support through the chaos please(19 Posts)
Hello, I've been on a while various NC though and haven't been here a while as Husband went into my account and read everything so this became not so safe a space to seek support. I need you now though so risking being visible, hate the feeling but just need an "outside" PoV.
Could be a VERY long story but will try to précis. Together with H for 20 years, 3 DC under 6, some issues (not pulling weight) but generally really happy.
Anyway Family member funded him setting up a business to the tune of '000s 4 years ago and he lost it, In part due to mistakes, mainly due to choosing the wrong working partner. He lost the business the day DC3 was born very ill in SCBU. That's where we begin. I must say neither I nor that family member EVER said anything but sympathy for the loss.
He had a breakdown, a sleeping in his car, suicidal thoughts type of breakdown. Became financially ruinous, I was trying to work, sort out liquidation of the business and look after newborn, toddler and Dc1s first year in school and he was spending thousands on fuel, fags, fucking watches and later I found out hotels. I found photos on his phone of a woman we both know, he denies an affair but she was "there for him to talk to" and I was not (I wonder why?).
Eventually he sent me "home" back to my mum, as I couldn't cope and he couldn't help, I was going to lose my job and it was the only income. I travel and have a high pressure job. I had to live with my parents and now they have moved I am camping in their old house.
He is still in our home that I bought, I am covering bills on 2 houses. He has no income, took a job with no salary because it'll lead to big things in the future. It's been a year this month, the house he is sitting in won't sell as its a mess, he hasn't maintained it. I NEED my money out of that house as I have no home for me and the kids, my parents are suffering financially and they need to sell this. We are still a couple but he only sees the kids every 1-2 weeks for a day maybe 2. I have to pay for childcare. If I push him on anything or get distant to cope then I am affecting his depression and ability to "work".
I have been warning and warning he needs to find somewhere else to live or move here with me or move with his mother (who has offered). I've finally said this week the house gets emptied out and given to an estate agent.
In response he has blocked all my phone numbers and I have heard nothing from him in 2 days. I have no idea what I am going to face when I get there to clear the house and am freaking out.
Am I being unfair wanting my home back and sold after a year?!? He has run up over £40k in debt and I am struggling to manage it, I've got over £900 in repayments a month plus £700 nursery before food and fuel! I need that house money to pay the debts and house the kids! As it is MH issues should I have been endlessly supportive?
I just feel like I'm hurting him, like I'm destroying him and taking everything away but I'm just so fucking tired. I'm so tired
You have already been endlessly supportive!!! I'm not saying he hasn't been ill but this sounds like a pi** take now!!! You aren't a couple, hes not helping at all, he's sponging off you!!! Take back the house and start to take back your life, you've done enough!!!
Thank you, I don't know why I can't just release my anger and take back control. He just has a way of making me see his logic. But you step away and think "hang on!"
Stop engaging with him and his "logic". Engage with a solicitor instead. They use logic which is actually the law. Go there and find out from a legal professional how to go about divorcing this man and sorting out the financials.
He sounds like a manipulative Walter Mitty character, I doubt he will get his dream job. In the meantime, he is taking advantage of you.
You will be able to support yourself and your children, as you are doing now, so file for divorce, and cut yourself loose from this man.
My guess is that he will make it as difficult and painful as possible for you, so you will need to ready for that. But once you are free you can start to live again.
What Rice Crispie said.
You need to disengage from him and put yourself and your DCs first. It sounds like he has support from friends and family - let them take over now and do what is right for you.
Any "right" he has to your support for MH issues disintegrated the moment he had an affair.
Talking to her in a hotel room? My arse. You talk in a pub, in a front room. Not in a sodding hotel room!
Go to a solicitor on Monday.
Sadly, you're going to be screwed over with shouldering some of that £40K debt as you're married.
Do not not not not not not not have him move in with you again. That is a sure fire way to him claiming to be a SAHD and you ending up paying him bloody maintenance! For the kids and even possibly for him! No no no. Keep the clean position that you can show now: the kids live with you, and you are their primary carer. Start keeping a diary of how often (not often) he parents.
Speak to a solicitor, get a divorce underway, sell the house, take as little as possible of his debt into your share, let him go to his mum, and leave him to it.
He cheated on you. Fuck him.
Well he swears blind he didn't cheat. The hotel rooms were just for him to sleep in as he needed space away from me and the kids to deal with his anxiety/depression. She was never there, he just went and had coffee with her on different days (where he was also just "driving" or "at the gym" to cope).
I don't really believe him though. There was also a receipt for a £180 watch that he says isn't his receipt as I've never seen the watch he must have just picked the receipt up accidentally somewhere
That aside, he genuinely has had a breakdown, I suspect (and so did the GP) bi-polar. It would explain the deep lows and the highs leading to out of character behaviour (the spending and woman, it really really isn't the man he was).
But if he won't seek treatment and seems to blame me for what I think is a shit load of guilt what can I do? I have to secure the kids home and safety? But I feel like I am battling to save him too and he just keep trying to destroy himself and us
Stop trying to save him.
Instead, start to focus on saving yourself and your children.
Good advice on the visiting diary though, I didn't think like that! God this is crap.
Thank you, does he have a claim to the house that he can remain living there do you think? I am technically housed but my parents need me out!
Right, my following suggestion might sound like a ridiculous idea but...move back into your house.
Take back possession of what is yours. Force the issue of the sale of the house. Your parents can then put their house on the market. Or, sell yours and buy out your parents.
But never, ever be forced out of a home that is legally yours. Especially not with dc in tow.
Oh and see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.
I'd thought about that and would love to but can't, it's over three hours away, by moving me to mums I had to find a new school, new friends, everything for DCs! We were supposed to move together then he just never came!
So I can't disrupt DCs again and he knows it.
At present the children live with you, so on no account should you and the children move back to live with him.
Any rights to housing are usually tied to the needs of the children, so he may well try to claim that he is the main carer if you all live together again.
You really need good legal advice about your property and finances, get together as much information as you can about the property ownership, financial contributions, your own expences, his debts....
Then get to a solicitor ASAP.
I agree about keeping a very detailed record of all contacts, conversations between the two of you, his contact with the children.
What an awful awful situation. Clearly this marriage is a wreck now and it doesn't seem like there's much option other than to get out of it. It's going to be hard and harsh, sadly. You're going to need to harness strength and determination along with a real sense of purpose. You have DC to deal with and you all need a home. You and DC have to take priority here and you're likely going to need a large dose of ruthlessness. Plus a good solicitor. Despite the cost (which will probably come back to you when you get the house sold) is essential. A forced sale might be inevitable. Some people have done this on their own but you have enough to deal with as it is and you absolutely have to be successful.
About the bills. Have you considered closing your a/c with the various utilities? You'd still be liable to pay them off if it's all in your name (or even joint) but if there's no gas/elec/phone etc that would free up your finances a bit. You could also negotiate a lower payment til payment's complete. I did that with BT and BG. They were surprisingly supportive.
It might make him leave too. Could you talk with the mortgage lender? Some offer a time-out period for payments; just talking with them might be helpful. CAB as well for your rights and his - you need to know what shape this battle is before you can get tactical effectively.
There is absolutely no point in trying to save him. He has the rest of his life to do that for himself. You can help later, wayyyy further down the line - if you have the time, inclination and energy. For now, it seems to me the battle is about immediate living circumstances and officially getting out of an almighty mess that involves several other loved ones too.
Well isn't that just a funny coincidence that a receipt you found that wasn't his was for something specific as a watch, when one of his things is buying watches?
He's a liar, you know it. Whether him buying expensive watches for other women is part of his illness or "simply" cheating is by the by - he's a liar.
I would disagree with above poster about speaking to mortgage company about a break, or utilities about lower payments. Speak to CAB or a debt charity like Stepchange first - check the impact of that on your credit history. When you sell your old house you will want to buy one where you are, I expect? Don't do anything that may impact your credit history, like agreeing a mortgage holiday.
First thing, split up with him. He needs to be paying things like the council tax in your old house - and if he needs any welfare support e needs to be claiming correctly as a single person.
Get your name off the utilities and his onto them. If you feel responsible for him and want to send him cash to burn on watches and other women, fine. But let him make the choice between heating and a watch.
Talk a solicitor about declaring a formal separation and the possibility of him taking 100% of all further debts incurred. If he doesn't pay the council tax in his name you don't want to have that debt shared between you!
If you want you can leave the door open - tell him you'll support him emotionally in treatment and would like to take him back when he's managing his illness. But you won't support him financially. You can't afford to. (I'm doubtful you can afford to give the emotional support but if you want to, you want to)
Yes he's ill, but it doesn't actually help him if you let that drag you under too.
You really must see a solicitor.
Ok thank you, maybe if I am less angry about the financial situation I can be there emotionally (maybe not). Argh solicitors, all feels a bit "real", swear to god I never thought we'd end like this, or at all.
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